Edit 3: (Title Change) Compulsions

[ClaireLou]

I need to smother it,
to take this feather filled pillow 
that lies by my side,
decorated with ducklings,
scented with roses
& memories of childhood.

Pull it close, 
a defence against this Monster
stalking our lives,
who continually taps 
at our bedroom door,
staring into spaces,
with hands never clean
& rules to be followed 
written in blood.

The noise never-ending,
there is no sleep for those
who lie beside
the clock that forever ticks.


---

I want to smother it;

To take this feather filled pillow
that lies by my side
decorated with ducklings,
scented with roses
& memories of childhood.

Pulled close,
a defence against this Monster
that continually taps 
at our bedroom door,
staring into spaces,
with hands never clean
& rules to be followed
written in blood.

The noise neverending,
there is no rest for those
who stand beside
the clock that ticks.

---


I'm not quite sure how to add notes as to what it is about so I have written them at the side in brackets so that recommendations on improvement (all gratefully received) can retain the message I am trying to get across.  PS the poem is about how I'm trying to cope with my partners OCD not my own.



I want to smother you;  (The OCD not my partner although at times that is questionable ; 

The feather filled pillow (This is how I cope, when I was a child I would crawl into bed to hide with my cuddly toys, ie ducklings & flowers)
that lies by my side
decorated with ducklings
and scented with roses.

Pulled close, (A child holds a teddy close when they are in pain)
a reassuring presence
as the winds howl,
trees tapping on the window.  (The Monster in the room, the OCD still taps on the window, forever present)

My hope,  (I've changed this, it's meant to show that although my hope still exists, it is losing its way)
hidden on a page,
lost in translation,
a book without a narrative.

Uncontrollable urges (His symptoms, he counts, anything really, he taps)
to count letters,
tapping your feet on carpets
so as not to be heard.

Hands never clean, (More symptoms, washes hands, stares at nothing, everything has to be perfect, he cannot cope if anything deviates from those that are agreed)
staring into spaces,
rules to be followed
written in blood.
 
Order in existence, (More symptoms, everything follows a set order, it doesnt matter how long it takes, so days planned are lost)
time irrelevant,
each day lost
in a labyrinth with no end.

Take away the pain (The pain is caused by his anger at being unable to control his urges & not achieving what he wants within the time set, a ticking time bomb).
for there is no rest for those
who stand beside
the clock that ticks.



---

I want to smother you;

The feather filled pillow
that lies by my side
decorated with ducklings
and scented with roses.

Pulled close,
a reassuring presence
as the winds howl,
trees tapping on the window.

Hope simply a memory,
hidden underground
in a woodland nook,
sanctity in its silence.

Take away the pain,
uncontrollable urges
to count letters,
tapping your feet on carpets
so as not to be heard.

No rest for those
who stand beside
the clock that ticks.

[Richard]

Hey ClaireLou,
I like the idea of trying to smother one's OCD. I do have some thoughts though:

I want to smother you;

The feather filled pillow
that lies by my side
decorated with ducklings
and scented with roses. -I like how the speaker goes from wanting to kill his/her OCD to a lengthy description of their pillow.

Pulled close,
a reassuring presence
as the winds howl,
trees tapping on the window. -The last two lines in this stanza made me think that was when the speaker actually tried to smother their OCD. Maybe by smothering themselves? This could be clearer.

Hope simply a memory,-I would suggest cutting this line and starting the next line with the words "My hope". The imagery in the next three lines is strong and needs to be the focus of this stanza.
hidden underground
in a woodland nook,
sanctity in its silence.

Take away the pain, -I would suggest ending the stanza with this line, or may be even repeat it at the end of the stanza.
uncontrollable urges
to count letters,
tapping your feet on carpets
so as not to be heard.

No rest for those
who stand beside
the clock that ticks. -I like this ending. This is poem is sad in a very authentic way.

Overall, I think you have a solid first draft here, and I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Cheers,
Richard

[Knot]

Hi ClaireLou,
interesting subject and a very readable piece.

Firstly I'd suggest making all verses a uniform 4 lines.
So you'd start with
I want to smother you;
The feather filled pillow
that lies by my side
decorated with ducklings

and scented with roses.
Pulled close,
a reassuring presence
as the winds howl,

...

I'm not sure what you're trying to say with verse 3,
and I think it the piece loses momentum here.
If you went straight from 2 to 4 would too much be lost?
'Take away the pain' - this seems to me to be a restatement of the opening line
uncontrollable urges' - is a bit too obvious, I think, whilst 'tapping your feet on carpets'
is not and is intriguing.  I think, given the title, you could expand these behavioural elements.
'the clock' - is this something specific?  I wondered if it was more akin to a ticking bomb.

Best,  Knot

[TMKMarketing]

Really great topic and All successful people have a little OCD. I would say I love the smothering of the OCD and the Pillow Imagery. But I would like to see the same imagery come around over and over like someone who obsesses about something. My desk at work needs to be clean all the time. I finish something and I always have to come back to cleaning my desk before I can start a new project. This becomes like good comedy you bring the thought back over and over and this all times to what someone with OCD feels. Hope my rambling makes sense. I think you could humanize the piece a little more too.

[Caine]

I want to smother you;

The feather filled pillow
that lies by my side
decorated with ducklings
and scented with roses.

Pulled close,
a reassuring presence
as the winds howl,
trees tapping on the window.

Hope simply a memory,
hidden underground
in a woodland nook,
sanctity in its silence.

Take away the pain,
uncontrollable urges
to count letters,
tapping your feet on carpets
so as not to be heard.

No rest for those
who stand beside
the clock that ticks.

I enjoy the first two stanzas. Although I am bit confused. I really loved the poetry and description but if the poem was not titled and I had only read the first 2 stanzas I would be under the impression that your poem was about sleep deprivation or reassurance. I get that perhaps you are trying to set the scene, but I am not 100% certain how those first stanzas relate to OCD.

From stanza 3 to the end I think the piece starts to focus on OCD, however I do think the structure of stanza 3 could be a lot better. It took me a couple reads to try and get a grasp of what you meant. A simple structure change would help tremendously.

On a more personal not, in the 4th stanza, are you saying you have a urge to count letters but instead you tap your foot for the noise concerns? If so, I think its a very powerful message of how helpless and impairing the OCD can be, and with different wording and more specifics of higher stakes it can be improved a lot more.

I think the last line can be more powerful, and should literally connect to something you may have alluded to prior in the poem.

[ClaireLou]

Thank you all for your comments, I have tried to respond above & edit slightly to fit although I am aware more work is required

[Knot]

Hi ClaireLou
I didn't get, in either version, that the OCD was not the narrators,
and I think you might want to make that clearer.
If you started with an idea like:

I want to smother [it, not you,
though some days I'm not sure
if there's a difference.]
To take this feather filled pillow,

decorated with ducklings,
scented with roses
[and memories of childhood.
A defence against The Monster

in the room]
...

S4/6/5 - I think you could make the OCD features of the 'monster'
rather than the (somewhat predictable) 'uncontrollable urges',
then symptoms become :
that counts letters,
taps its feet...

Order in existence,
time irrelevant,
each day lost
a labyrinth with[out] end.

hands never clean,
[no deviations]
rules to be followed
written in blood

Good job with S5 by the way, particularly 'rules...blood' (very strong).
(S6, which I'd suggest switching with S5, is not quite there yet, but close)

S3, still doesn't work, for me.  Its a bit too overblown.
I'd also suggest that, if you're going to include something about 'hope'
you left it until nearer (if not actually) the end.
At this point you're saying you've still got some hope,
but you've not provided sufficient context as to why this matters...yet.

I'm not sure about S7, but I think you need to return to the 'pillow/smothering' here.

I'm not sure the title works, as the piece seems less about OCD than the narrators response.
Perhaps something about 'smothering' might work.

Best, Knot.

[ClaireLou]

Thank you all, it's shrinking by the moment LOL hope its making more sense

[Knot]

Hi ClaireLou.

Well done on the title change, adds a whole new dimension
and the overall revision makes for a much stronger, more focused,
better controlled piece. (Though the punctuation still needs a bit of attention).
When you read this aloud, is the pause between 'smother it'
and 'to take' really a semi-colon's length, or is it closer to a comma?

I think you need to resolve S1 with what you'd do with the pillow (articulate some of the Narrator's frustration),
then start S2 with 'Instead, I pull it close' (or similar).

If 'taps' then 'stares'.  I'd suggest changing 'with hands' to something like' those/whose/its hands'.
(Also perhaps you might consider inserting a line after 'this Monster' to the effect of -
[that stalks our lives],
continually tapping...)

(Neverending, is two words, or hyphenated)

I wonder, if in the final stanza, instead of 'no rest'
you might find a phrase that works better with 'clock that ticks'?

Having the first line by itself is still a bit of a distraction, I think.

Best, Knot.

[ClaireLou]

OMG I've started to dream about my Partners OCD to find words that fit my poem more effectively, I'm sure he'd be thrilled LOL