First Edit: Wandering

[Richard]

First Edit:

Wandering

The winter night
for her
seems sunny and warm,

“Are we almost there?”
asks the girl;

her hands shivering,
trembling,
awaiting a touch
that will never come,

“We're almost there,”
answers the grandmother;

the blowing snow blinds her
like a searchlight,
so she starts to run,

“I should really go home now,”
says another man's wife;

the wind is loud like someone
shouting
after a lost person.

Her journey ends
just as her day turns into night,
or our night into day.
Her corpse
recovered like a stolen purse
that was emptied of its valuables.

Original:

Wandering

the winter night
for her
seems sunny and warm

“Are we almost there?”
asks the little girl

her hands shivering
trembling
awaiting a touch
that will never come

“We're almost there,”
answers the grandmother

the blowing snow blinds her
like a searchlight
so she starts to run

“I should really go home now,”
says another man's wife

the wind is loud like someone
shouting
after a lost person

her journey ends
just as her day turns into night
or our night into day-
her motionless body
a reminder of life

[Szczepan]

Wandering

the winter night
for her
seems sunny and warm

“Are we almost there?”
asks the little girl

her hands shivering
trembling
awaiting a touch
that will never come

“We're almost there,”
answers the grandmother

the blowing snow blinds her
like a searchlight
so she starts to run

“I should really go home now,”
says another man's wife

the wind is loud like someone
shouting
after a lost person

her journey ends
just as her day turns into night
or our night into day-
her motionless body
a reminder of life

By way of word-smithing I can offer few suggestions. Only feedback that I can give is that I get the image of a girl being led thru the snowstorm who dies and the search party (or one person in it) gives up. Mods: not trying to increase my critique count. & anyway I like to try to give more feedback than is necessary. So, I probably wouldn't change a word if this is author's true intent. Just felt compelled to say what I said! Hope that makes sense and please delete if not....

[Richard]

Hey Szczepan,
Thanks for the feedback. I wonder how it would affect your interpretation of the poem if I said that the girl, the grandmother and the other woman are all the same person? I'm starting to wonder now if that was clear enough...

Thanks again,
Richard

[makeshift]

Wandering

the winter night
for her for her with the enjambment has nice potential for double meaning here. The night being especially for her, and/or the night as it effects her. 
seems sunny and warm I wonder if "is" wouldn't be stronger then "seems"

“Are we almost there?”  Makes me think of the comical "are we there yet, are we there yet" trope. After realizing that the girl and the old lady are the same this line carries more weight, and I understand it as the girl rushing her life forward.
asks the little girl  Maybe omit little? Girl already denotes that to an extent

her hands shivering
trembling
awaiting a touch
that will never come Very ominous end to this strophe, again different interpretations before/after your tip, but either way it alludes to loneliness, and death for me.  The loneliness I never really understand why. 

“We're almost there,”
answers the grandmother

the blowing snow blinds her
like a searchlight
so she starts to run Favorite lines of the poem, very vividly I can imagine a bright winter night here. The image is nearly surreal and I think has great potential as a metaphysical space

“I should really go home now,”
says another man's wife  I'm assuming this somehow relates to the touch that will never come and though i'm not entirely sure what is trying to be said I like the lines. Theres certainly something cold here. 

the wind is loud like someone
shouting
after a lost person again, a gr8 image and simile, chilling really. 

her journey ends
just as her day turns into night
or our night into day-
her motionless body
a reminder of life Not sold on this ending, it doesn't feel specific enough for me. I think I would rather have had it end at "or our night into day-" 

Hey Richard, I read this poem before & after reading your tip, my interpretation was pretty different both times. Maybe a specific way to identify the character would make it more apparent that this is the same person i.e a name, eye color, or other defining feature? just an idea. There is potiental in having the older and yonguer version of this character speaking to herself, but it does confuse the issue. Alternatively different girls at different ages could metaphorically reveal things about a single life, without the reader reading this as literally one person. On my first read I did realize there was some ambiguity with "her" but didn't understand why, and assumed it was unintended. After reading you comment I understand this as being a meditation on mortality, the way we change with age, and how our lives don't unfold in the way we anticipate. Thnx for sharing.

[Szczepan]

gosh. have to admit that I didn't get that they were the same person.

might be a stretch but "torch passing" tying into the "searchlight" phrases.

even that's still a stretch since that would imply going from generation to generation which is, of course, what needs to be avoided.

hmmm. maybe passing torch from left hand to right .... something like that. perhaps something to work with? not sure.

I do believe that it would take even more tweaking to reach thru dense skulls like mine tho'..

[Richard]

Hey Szczepan and makeshift,
I edited the poem. I took some advice from tectak that he had for another one of my poems and added some punctuation. I decided to experiment with the punctuation, so please tell me if it works to make the poem better or worse.

Cheers,
Richard

[Szczepan]

Have to admit that I'm still being dense a tad and still wouldn't have gotten it w/o the spoilers.

By way of something that might work with a dodo like myself:

maybe moving the line
“We're almost there,”
answers the grandmother;

to be after the exclamations of the little girl and the other man's wife. ... to indicate the progression of time?

or even more drastically have them utter simultaneously “We're almost there,” towards the end.

Trying to help. Finding it hard getting into your head only cuz you're you and I'm me. But I still think this one has really, really good ... well, poetic sense.

[Richard]

Hey Szczepan,
Thanks for the additional feedback. You've got me thinking more about this again...

Thanks again,
Richard

[nibbed]

I just got it.
thanks richard


yikes, I better offer up some sort of critique
before my warning levels shoot through the roof.
I just wasn't "getting" this poem. I knew there
was something I was missing, but I was certain
it was a failure on my part. I was right. It was
the grandmother that I got tangled up on.
The very best wishes to you.


Wandering

The winter night
for her
seems sunny and warm,

“Are we almost there?”
asks the girl;                                              I saw it here

her hands shivering,
trembling,
awaiting a touch
that will never come,

“We're almost there,”
answers the grandmother;                         and here

the blowing snow blinds her
like a searchlight,
so she starts to run,

“I should really go home now,”
says another man's wife;                            and here

the wind is loud like someone
shouting
after a lost person.

Her journey ends
just as her day turns into night,
or our night into day.
Her corpse                                                this too
recovered like a stolen purse
that was emptied of its valuables.

[Richard]

Hey Janine,
What did you get from it?

Just curious,
Richard

[nibbed]

Hey Janine,
What did you get from it?

Just curious,
Richard

I understood that the girl
the grandmother and the man's wife
were all the same character.
The grandmother tripped me up
but I finally recognized it at as a metaphor
of life going by very fast.