Posts: 444
Threads: 285
Joined: Nov 2011
![[Image: portable-drill.jpg]](http://wordbiscuit.com/im18/portable-drill.jpg)
< joining jesus >
i was joining jesus to his cross
using galvanized 6 inch decking screws
and that cordless drill
you gave me for christmas
when the phone rang
and it was some roman
wanting his sword back
i'm sorry
to hear about your condition
maybe the second opinion
will be better
today
was too warm for january
it woke the squirrels
and the neighbors
gnawing with motorized teeth
made me skip a track
on my next belief
or some vitamin
or arrangement of words
that could have fixed it all for me
so i'll just go back
to nights
filled with black plastic bags
i don't know what's in them
but whatever it is
is leaking out
- - -
While criticism is not required, it is sincerely to be hoped for. (Off or On-topic remarks and clever abuse are appreciated as well.)
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
Posts: 1,241
Threads: 252
Joined: Nov 2015
(05-07-2017, 07:55 PM)rayheinrich Wrote:
< joining jesus >
i was joining jesus to his cross
using galvanized 6 inch decking screws
and that cordless drill
you gave me for christmas
when the phone rang
and it was some roman
wanting his sword back
i'm sorry
to hear about your condition
maybe the second opinion
will be better
today
was too warm for january
it woke the squirrels
and the neighbors
gnawing with motorized teeth
made me skip a track
on my next belief
or some vitamin
or arrangement of words
that could have fixed it all for me
so i'll just go back
to nights
filled with black plastic bags
i don't know what's in them
but whatever it is
is leaking out
- - -
While criticism is not required, it is sincerely to be hoped for. (Off or On-topic remarks and clever abuse are appreciated as well.)
A good example of why schizophrenia is so often mis-diagnosed. I'd worry about neighbors with motorized teeth, too.
A delightful read. Thanks!
 Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 1,147
Threads: 466
Joined: Nov 2013
for the first lines, somehow the jaunty feel of the imagery is not supported enough by the line breaks, which parse most of it phrase-by-phrase. l1 is strong, l2 rushes into detail in a manner that is appropriate to l1's punchiness, but then l3's specificity reads a little too on the nose, especially with its punch-emphasizing break (drill) coupled with the previous line's aforenoted specificity. consequently the rest of the poem suffers, the breaks which suddenly do serve a purpose still seeming deficient; as well as the interesting allusion to the centurion readig rather lost to me.
of note for me as well is the use of end rhyme. -ah rhymes from christmas to back may also add to the above problem; certainly also condition opinion, although that may also be because i have of late taken to abusing it. teeth and belief, though, is very interesting, showing a certain parallel that is weakened by the one immediately following, vitamin words, which is somewhat trite, motorized teeth proved very interesting.
and last to note is the end section, from i don't know what to leaking out, reading a little rough. the them takes too much to figure out, at first proving equal to both nights and bags, and i feel like it, since it is leaking, could be more based on images, or at least thoughts that don't depend too much on either pronouns or repetition of verbs. but truly, solid stuff.
(05-07-2017, 07:55 PM)rayheinrich Wrote:
< joining jesus >
i was joining jesus to his cross
using galvanized 6 inch decking screws
and that cordless drill
you gave me for christmas
when the phone rang
and it was some roman
wanting his sword back
i'm sorry
to hear about your condition
maybe the second opinion
will be better
today
was too warm for january
it woke the squirrels
and the neighbors
gnawing with motorized teeth
made me skip a track
on my next belief
or some vitamin
or arrangement of words
that could have fixed it all for me
so i'll just go back
to nights
filled with black plastic bags
i don't know what's in them
but whatever it is
is leaking out
- - -
While criticism is not required, it is sincerely to be hoped for. (Off or On-topic remarks and clever abuse are appreciated as well.)
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
Hi, I want to give it my all and really critique
but sadly I have been deranged today, sorry.
< joining jesus >
i was joining jesus to his cross -crucified with Christ, or is this metaphor
using galvanized 6 inch decking screws - use of the word galvanized I find clever
and that cordless drill - no and
you gave me for christmas
when the phone rang
and it was some roman
wanting his sword back
i'm sorry
to hear about your condition
maybe the second opinion
will be better
today -today used here was neat
was too warm for january
it woke the squirrels
and the neighbors
gnawing with motorized teeth -bruxism or worst yet, anger, like the things they did to the martyr (comes to mind)
made me skip a track
on my next belief
or some vitamin
or arrangement of words
that could have fixed it all for me - this is beautifully sad, actually
so i'll just go back
to nights
filled with black plastic bags -last four lines especially shows
i don't know what's in them terrible loneliness
but whatever it is and desperation
is leaking out -thinking about how to clean up messes here
I had to limit my critique, can't give it a good line by line because the format behaves erratically when I try to get into it. Plus I am a bit deranged and I know you should have the best critique. Sorry. I feel like there's something missing in the poem, though. Even though it is long enough, I feel like the narrator is blocked for some reason or only a portion of a great story is being written. I liked the placement of the word "today". It could be used as the beginning or even an end. The narrator sounds disappointed and is retreating to doing something they don't like to do, it seems. I want to ask why is it in list form, why are there no stanzas, why a roman? why why why but certainly it must be because there must be things I cannot see.
The very best wishes to you, poet friend.
I hope your mood/writing does not indicate
what sort of day you are having. If so, I
hope things get brighter and happier for you.
all the best,
janine
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 298
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2014
< joining jesus >
i was joining jesus to his cross
using galvanized 6 inch decking screws
and that cordless drill
you gave me for christmas that´s really a good association for sacrificing christ
when the phone rang
and it was some roman
wanting his sword back
i'm sorry
to hear about your condition
maybe the second opinion
will be better i would believe that hidden behind those often-used words you unmask a mixture of helplessness and denial
today
was too warm for january
it woke the squirrels
and the neighbors
gnawing with motorized teeth makes me think of a chain saw (great metaphor even if you meant something else).
made me skip a track
on my next belief shouldn´t it be " to my next belief" ?
or some vitamin
or arrangement of words
that could have fixed it all for me ... the next belief, the next vitamin, the next wonder, the next insubstantiate hope for delivery
so i'll just go back
to nights
filled with black plastic bags and that is unfortunately where i can´t make sense for me
i don't know what's in them
but whatever it is
is leaking out
_____
please do not be offended for only trying to interprete, and offering more questions than constructive criticism.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(05-09-2017, 06:50 PM)vagabond Wrote: < joining jesus >
i was joining jesus to his cross
using galvanized 6 inch decking screws
and that cordless drill
you gave me for christmas that´s really a good association for sacrificing christ
when the phone rang
and it was some roman
wanting his sword back
i'm sorry
to hear about your condition
maybe the second opinion
will be better i would believe that hidden behind those often-used words you unmask a mixture of helplessness and denial
today
was too warm for january
it woke the squirrels
and the neighbors
gnawing with motorized teeth makes me think of a chain saw (great metaphor even if you meant something else).
made me skip a track
on my next belief shouldn´t it be " to my next belief" ?
or some vitamin
or arrangement of words
that could have fixed it all for me ... the next belief, the next vitamin, the next wonder, the next insubstantiate hope for delivery
so i'll just go back
to nights
filled with black plastic bags and that is unfortunately where i can´t make sense for me
i don't know what's in them
but whatever it is
is leaking out
_____
please do not be offended for only trying to interprete, and offering more questions than constructive criticism. Vagabond....I doubt whether your comments would offend but interpretation is for you and the birds. Critique is what the forum requires...give it a try, you will learn as much from critiique as the writer.
Mod
Posts: 298
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2014
how can i give criticism when i don´t have a clue what the author wanted to express? this would be stumbling around blind or at least severely visually impaired (i wear glasses by the way because i don´t want to be visually impaired).
once i have a glimpse of meaning/ message i can start to search for ideas how to transport said message better (if i can think of improvements).
without some discussion concerning the interpretation all i could say about this poem is: the meaning is not sufficiently clear but it transports feelings of denial and helplessness.
Posts: 444
Threads: 285
Joined: Nov 2011
(05-09-2017, 07:54 PM)tectak Wrote: [quote="vagabond" pid='228263' dateline='1494323403']
...
Vagabond....I doubt whether your comments would offend but interpretation is for you and the birds. Critique is what the forum requires...give it a try, you will learn as much from critiique as the writer.
Mod WHAT? This is misc. If Vagabond wants to interpret that's great! (And especially welcomed by me.)
You owe Vagabond an apology.
Read the misc. guidelines.
Ray
(05-09-2017, 08:58 PM)vagabond Wrote: how can i give criticism when i don´t have a clue what the author wanted to express? this would be stumbling around blind or at least severely visually impaired (i wear glasses by the way because i don´t want to be visually impaired).
once i have a glimpse of meaning/ message i can start to search for ideas how to transport said message better (if i can think of improvements).
without some discussion concerning the interpretation all i could say about this poem is: the meaning is not sufficiently clear but it transports feelings of denial and helplessness. I apologize for the red ink. I want you to know I had nothing to do with it. You're free (and encouraged) to make ANY comments
you desire under any of my poems (with the exception of the few basic PigPen no-no's such as named personal threats and kid porno etc.).
A viewer's interpretation IS the art... of course, the artist is a viewer as well so maybe some co-interpretation would be fun. 
I intend to respond fairly soon. (Though my intentions frequently end up as heat-resistant paving.)
Ray
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
|
