Make Doves No More

[shemthepenman]

Ten minutes to one
and the night, that’s still young,
gets old by about half past three,
when I tell passers-by
—I'm not scared of the sky,
but the sky should be fearful of me!

[tectak]

Ten minutes to one
and the night, that’s still young, no comma after night
gets old by about half past three, period here
when I tell passers-by Then capital on When
—I'm not scared of the sky, Probably better no dash and quotation marks
but the sky should be fearful of me!

This is me liking it
Best,
tectak.

[nibbed]

Ten minutes to one
and the night, that’s still young,
gets old by about half past three,
when I tell passers-by
—I'm not scared of the sky,
but the sky should be fearful of me!

I like this poem very much!
Made me smile!

I hope your day is full
of smiles, too

[just mercedes]

) Yes, I like! If you follow tectak's edit suggestions, maybe 'Then' instead of 'when' would work better.

[shemthepenman]

Ten minutes to one
and the night, that’s still young, no comma after night
gets old by about half past three, period here
when I tell passers-by Then capital on When
—I'm not scared of the sky, Probably better no dash and quotation marks
but the sky should be fearful of me!

This is me liking it
Best,
tectak.

cheers.

i don't want to be an argumentative prick [not now, at least] but 'that's still young' is surely a non-defining relative clause and thus should be bracketed with commas.
also, a full stop after 'three'? i'm not sure. granted, i am not sure about the comma, either. a full stop would work after changing 'when' to 'then', but this slightly changes the sense of it. compare "the night gets old when i tell passers-by..." to "the night gets old. then, i tell passers-by..." possibly a semicolon. or, maybe i'll just change it to 'then', add the full stop, and everyone's happy.

i don't like quotation marks. i think they make poems look ugly.

oh, and this is me very much appreciating your suggestions.

[Keith]

Staying away from punctuation wounds, I really enjoyed the poem because i can relate to it so well we've all been there finding something to argue with. nice observation and well framed.
It reminded me of one night with an acid tab called white lightening, this damn thing play with the sky all night. thanks for the flash back. Keith

[dukealien]

Very good.  Put me slightly in mind of Robert Service, but in an urban setting.  Cheers!

[CRNDLSM]

I keep hearing in my head a lunatic raving 'this guy!' I'm not afraid of this guy!

[shemthepenman]

I keep hearing in my head a lunatic raving 'this guy!' I'm not afraid of this guy!

yep, it's a deliberate mondegreen. some will hear it... others, not.

[Szczepan]

I keep hearing in my head a lunatic raving 'this guy!' I'm not afraid of this guy!

yep, it's a deliberate mondegreen. some will hear it... others, not.

Good poem. Reminds me of my misspent youth.

Never knew the world mondegreen (and missed it anyway).  :-(    oh fer 2.

But ~ now that I think 'bout it ~ it does double back to the same misinterpretation of a Jimi Henrix song which itself evokes images of the same, uh, Experience....