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Joined: Nov 2016
I wrote this 16 years ago...I would like to mold it into something better  Thanks for the feedback!
--------
Their Fabric is Thread-Bare
How sad it is,
day after day
they slip through my fingers,
most of them.
I don't reach their ears.
They don't see me.
How sad it is,
that they were not shown
the fabric of life;
the sweet sweat of life,
the sunny breeze of life,
the smile from the soul
because of life.
How frightening it is;
they lack human compassion.
They flaunt, they jeer;
they care less who's near.
All for them
and them for themselves.
Their fabric is thread-bare.
Sorry Im not an experienced poet but I couldn't follow it well enough because its far too vague and lacking direction. I think you need to re establish the motivation behind it back then and simply expand the imagery. The frustration intended to be portrayed is clear but its hard to feel it without adding more depth and detail. Sorry I cant be of more help yet
Posts: 264
Threads: 112
Joined: Dec 2016
Hi Coquette,
This one is a bit vague. It is not clear exactly who the narrator is or why the narrator gets to be considered not threadbare. It is not clear why the narrator is trying to reach anyone at all and it is not clear why they can't see him/her. And it is not clear exactly who the threadbare people are or why they are that way. My best guess is that the threadbare people are living shallow, selfish lives, and/or not living up to their full potential, and that the narrator somehow has discovered a better way of living, perhaps a selfless life or a more fulfilled or happy life? But it is very vague. That being said, you have some pretty lines here and perhaps with a little trim they could be a sort of cryptic little short poem. I will offer suggestions with that thought, but if you go the other rout and expand on the idea to add clarity, then probably disregard them.
(12-04-2016, 11:58 AM)Coquette16 Wrote: I wrote this 16 years ago...I would like to mold it into something better Thanks for the feedback!
--------
Their Fabric is Thread-Bare
How sad it is,
day after day
they slip through my fingers,
most of them.
I don't reach their ears.
They don't see me.
How sad it is,
that they were not shown
the fabric of life;
the sweet sweat of life,
the sunny breeze of life,
the smile from the soul
because of life.
How frightening it is;
they lack human compassion.
They flaunt, they jeer;
they care less who's near.
All for them
and them for themselves.
Their fabric is thread-bare.
For it to make sense with those deletions, I would put it in this order:
Day after day they slip
through my fingers,
they who were not shown
the fabric of life.
They don't see me,
the sweet sweat,
the sunny breeze.
I don't reach their ears.
They flaunt, they jeer,
lack human compassion,
and care less who's near.
They live all for themselves.
Their fabric is threadbare.
------
And I don't mean for you do do it exactly that way, it's just an example of how you could cut and paste it into something more compact, sharpen the image a bit. Otherwise, perhaps do the opposite and expand with a bit more of the story so the reader can see what is going on.
I love the concept of the threadbare people. I think you could do a lot with that image. Like with the "slip through the fingers" line I thought at first the thread was slipping away from the fabric. Anyway, I think it's got some very pretty bones, just needs the lens focused a bit. I hope something in all this ramble was helpful. I look forward to seeing where you take it!
--Quix
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara
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Threads: 1
Joined: Dec 2016
Hello,
I'm new and I hope I can give some good advice C: Sorry if it's not good I'm not really sure how to critique poetry other than my own thoughts.
Okay, so firstly, I thought the poem lacks something. I can't describe it, but I think you need to use your words a bit better in order to define exactly what you are trying to say.
I'll go over some of the lines of the poem that I thought could be reworked. If you don't want to take my suggestions that's fine too cause I'm not an expert.
How sad it is, <------ these beginning two lines set up the poem, but it's not a very interesting thing to say that 'something' is sad and 'day
after day' is also sort of cliche. I would try and define 'what' is sad, and maybe skip the 'day after day' and
write something else in that spot.
day after day
they slip through my fingers, <---I thought this line was good, but maybe cut out 'they' I think it sounds better/more strange to just simply
say "slip through my fingers"
most of them.<------I'm not sure about this line, or even what it means,
I don't reach their ears.
They don't see me.
How sad it is,
that they were not shown
the fabric of life; <------ the word 'life' is sort of vague, define what you are trying to say
the sweet sweat of life, <--- you repeat the word 'life' several times in a row in this stanza, and makes it sound strained/not very interesting
the sunny breeze of life,
the smile from the soul
because of life.
How frightening it is;
they lack human compassion.
They flaunt, they jeer;
they care less who's near.
All for them
and them for themselves.
Their fabric is thread-bare.<-- throughout the poem you keep saying 'they' but I have no idea who they are, maybe to make it better just skip
the 'they' and cut it out, I think it would be so much more interesting if you wrote it without trying to say 'who'.
Overall, I think this poem can be good just you need to fix some basic things. Anyways, I hope this helps you, good luck C:
This is excellent feedback -- more of this please! / Admin
Posts: 57
Threads: 9
Joined: Oct 2016
I think there is a lot of potential to this poem but it requires a bit more focus. The idea that people are thread-bare is a great idea for a poem but at times I don't know what your trying to suggest with the analogy
(12-04-2016, 11:58 AM)Coquette16 Wrote: I wrote this 16 years ago...I would like to mold it into something better Thanks for the feedback!
--------
Their Fabric is Thread-Bare
How sad it is,
day after day
they slip through my fingers, This is a good image they slip through your fingers because their threadbare
most of them.
I don't reach their ears.
They don't see me. I think these two lines take away from the previous image you've presented in the previous lines
How sad it is,
that they were not shown
the fabric of life;
the sweet sweat of life, I don't know how this line talks of the fabric of life
the sunny breeze of life,
the smile from the soul
because of life.
How frightening it is;
they lack human compassion.
They flaunt, they jeer;
they care less who's near.
All for them
and them for themselves. A very good closing stanza
Their fabric is thread-bare. Great way to end the poem
Poetry is the unexpected utterance of the soul
Mark Nepo
Posts: 11
Threads: 4
Joined: Jan 2016
Hi Coquette16,
I'm new to giving feedback, and will try my best. I think the imagery you used in your poem really expresses the narrator's thoughts and emotions effectively. It seems that the narrator feels alone in a crowd and is in need of some sympathy or a helping hand, but passers-by don't care to ask if they are alright. As your poem progresses, I'm convinced that the crowd is made up of hollow and soulless beings, whereas, only the narrator has held on to their human qualities, especially sympathy. The contrast you create in your last stanza makes it clear how alone a person can feel in a crowd. I don't want to be misinterpreted, but a person can't always wait for someone to come and offer help, you have to ask for help if you need it, and have to be prepared to hear either a "Yes" or a "No". Sorry, I really hope it doesn't sound like I'm preaching.
(12-04-2016, 11:58 AM)Coquette16 Wrote: I wrote this 16 years ago...I would like to mold it into something better Thanks for the feedback!
--------
Their Fabric is Thread-Bare
How sad it is,
day after day
they slip through my fingers, <- When I first read this line, I didn't realize you were talking about people slipping through, but imagined something concrete that you could hold. In my second read, it was a nice surprise to learn that you were talking about people.
most of them.
I don't reach their ears.
They don't see me.
How sad it is,
that they were not shown
the fabric of life; <- I like the way you compare fabric to life. Since fabric can be tightly woven and strong, I see it as representing our sympathy and compassion for others, but once the fabric is threadbare, only our vices and hostile nature are left behind.
the sweet sweat of life,
the sunny breeze of life,
the smile from the soul
because of life.
How frightening it is;
they lack human compassion.
They flaunt, they jeer;
they care less who's near.
All for them
and them for themselves.
Their fabric is thread-bare.
Posts: 11
Threads: 2
Joined: Aug 2016
(12-04-2016, 11:58 AM)Coquette16 Wrote: Their Fabric is Thread-Bare
How sad it is,
day after day
they slip through my fingers,
most of them. <-- could add a simile here to create a visual.
I don't reach their ears.
They don't see me. <-- because these are two different senses, it doesn't sound great to me. Maybe pick one sense and create a picture with it? Or separate them just slightly more. Just my opinion, but once I wrote something to the effect of "they see things from my shoes"... don't exactly remember, but I didn't realize it until later. Maybe use this opportunity to describe who these people are or who you are to them (teacher? caregiver?)
How sad it is,
that they were not shown
the fabric of life;
the sweet sweat of life,
the sunny breeze of life,
the smile from the soul
because of life.
How frightening it is;
they lack human compassion.
They flaunt, they jeer;
they care less who's near.
All for them
and them for themselves. <-- possible reword? I stumbled on this for a second.
Their fabric is thread-bare.
I think this piece has great potential and with the addition of some visuals, it could be really fun. Because the characters don't have specific characteristics that they are married to, you can really create whoever or whatever scene you'd like.
It Howls from Below
Unregistered
I am a beginner, but to me it seems like the beginning of the poem is a bit weak. It lacks momentum, whereas I feel like it should have a strong beginning to gain the reader's attention.
Posts: 28
Threads: 5
Joined: Nov 2016
mv5543,
Thank you for your critique. I truly appreciate the time you took to explain the images the poem created for you...your interpretation is near the context of which I was writing 16 years ago, in my first year of teaching in an all-girls inner-city school (it was quite the culture shock for me at the time). I am working on an edit, so if you can keep your eyes open for it, I would be interested to hear if your interpretation shifts.
-Coquette
(12-10-2016, 01:18 PM)mv5543 Wrote: Hi Coquette16,
I'm new to giving feedback, and will try my best. I think the imagery you used in your poem really expresses the narrator's thoughts and emotions effectively. It seems that the narrator feels alone in a crowd and is in need of some sympathy or a helping hand, but passers-by don't care to ask if they are alright. As your poem progresses, I'm convinced that the crowd is made up of hollow and soulless beings, whereas, only the narrator has held on to their human qualities, especially sympathy. The contrast you create in your last stanza makes it clear how alone a person can feel in a crowd. I don't want to be misinterpreted, but a person can't always wait for someone to come and offer help, you have to ask for help if you need it, and have to be prepared to hear either a "Yes" or a "No". Sorry, I really hope it doesn't sound like I'm preaching.
(12-04-2016, 11:58 AM)Coquette16 Wrote: I wrote this 16 years ago...I would like to mold it into something better Thanks for the feedback!
--------
Their Fabric is Thread-Bare
How sad it is,
day after day
they slip through my fingers, <- When I first read this line, I didn't realize you were talking about people slipping through, but imagined something concrete that you could hold. In my second read, it was a nice surprise to learn that you were talking about people.
most of them.
I don't reach their ears.
They don't see me.
How sad it is,
that they were not shown
the fabric of life; <- I like the way you compare fabric to life. Since fabric can be tightly woven and strong, I see it as representing our sympathy and compassion for others, but once the fabric is threadbare, only our vices and hostile nature are left behind.
the sweet sweat of life,
the sunny breeze of life,
the smile from the soul
because of life.
How frightening it is;
they lack human compassion.
They flaunt, they jeer;
they care less who's near.
All for them
and them for themselves.
Their fabric is thread-bare.
Hi. First piece of feedback on here so bare with me. I really enjoy the concept of your poem and the key message. I love metaphors in poetry. I think the 3rd and 4th line need to be reworked. This didn't feel like it flowed very well as I was reading through it. I would probably change the sunny breeze of life to gentle breeze of life. I hope this helps.
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