Birds with Bees - edit

[dukealien]

Edit, title change

Birds with Bees


Hummingbirds, viridian,
gray-vested, ruby-gorgeted
bounce, clip each other
squeak their warning cries
around a feeder full of sugared water
wreathed in vinyl tulips, candy-red.
Among them little black and golden bees
sip sweetened sap
hug, sometimes entering
bright “bee-guard” screens.

When a bird approaches, drinking bees
fly off but circle back
in tighter turns than hummingbirds,
drive off their feather-fanning
green competitors.
Then unlike hummers, bees can rest
atop a feeder’s slick red cap
sun-warmed and indolent.

All this circling, twisting
seldom-touching dogfight whirls
around false flowers
placed for joy.


original version;

Birds and Bees


Hummingbirds, viridian, white-necked,
gray-vested, ruby-gorgeted
bounce, clip each other
squeak their warning cries
around a feeder full of sugared water
wreathed in vinyl flowers, candy-red.
Among them little black and golden bees
also sup on sugar sap
hugging to (and sometimes entering)
yellow “bee-guard” screens.

When a bird approaches, drinking bees
fly off but circle back
in tighter turns
than hummingbirds can manage
driving off their feather-fanning
green competitors.
And unlike hummers, bees can rest
atop a feeder’s slick red cap
sun-warmed and indolent.

All this circling, twisting
seldom-touching dogfight whirls
around false flowers
hung for entertainment
yet provisioned with
real food.

this poem contains no symbolism of any kind

[Achebe]

The poems is peppered with vivid descriptions such as 'viridian, white-necked', 'gray-vested', 'bounce, clip each other' (my favourite), 'sub-warmed and indolent', and 'seldom-touching dogfight'.
I liked that about it.
Some thoughts below, for yours to take on board or throw in the crapper as you see fit:

1. 'than humming birds can manage' - unnecessary line, I thought. Not a pretty one either.
2. 'feather-fanning....competitor'- the alliteration strikes me as being out of place, like a desperate attempt to sound clever.
3. 'unlike hummers...' - not sure what the point of the comparison is. It's not particularly interesting. Perhaps changing it to /green competitors / to land atop a feeder's slick red' etc.
4. There's a hint of irony in the first four lines of the final stanza, which is destroyed by 'yet provisioned with' - the last 2 lines turn the whole stanza into a bland executive summary of the ones above, kinda pointless. I think that ending it at 'entertainment', and if that makes it too short, add a couple of lines after that don't bring up the 'yet real food' revelation.

[Brownlie]

quote='dukealien' pid='214823' dateline='1471120909']
Birds and Bees -- would change title. Birds and need is a cliche.


Hummingbirds, viridian, white-necked, -- seems like good color for the birds.
gray-vested, ruby-gorgeted
bounce, clip each other
squeak their warning cries - can you condense this?
around a feeder full of sugared water
wreathed in vinyl flowers, candy-red.
Among them little black and golden bees
also sup on sugar sap - not sure about dip. Is this archaic?
hugging to (and sometimes entering)
yellow “bee-guard” screens.

When a bird approaches, drinking bees
fly off but circle back
in tighter turns
than hummingbirds can manage
driving off their feather-fanning
green competitors.
And unlike hummers, bees can rest
atop a feeder’s slick red cap
sun-warmed and indolent.

All this circling, twisting
seldom-touching dogfight whirls -- like the "dogfight whirls"
around false flowers
hung for entertainment
yet provisioned with
real food.

this poem contains no symbolism of any kin
d

[/quote]

Never seen birds and bees attempting to get nectar from fake flowers. Interesting concept with some interesting and exact description. I guess my critique would be to ask if you can condense and tighten up your description. Maybe you could also look for ways to use more specific words. For instance, what type of flowers? Lilacs or violets or something else specific maybe. Good luck. Hope you have something to work with when editing

[dukealien]

Thanks to both critics.  This edit implements most suggestions and responds to the excellent critiques in most instances (including title change to remove the false promise of an essay on human reproduction).   The type of flower modeled is problematic:  its leaves aren't really pointed like a tulip's, but it's not a rose, either, and there's some resemblance to anemones or (giant) pansies or poppies.  The shape is actually determined by industrial considerations (molding in one piece), one supposes.

Edit, title change

Birds with Bees


Hummingbirds, viridian,
gray-vested, ruby-gorgeted
bounce, clip each other
squeak their warning cries
around a feeder full of sugared water
wreathed in vinyl tulips, candy-red.
Among them little black and golden bees
sip sweetened sap
hug, sometimes entering
bright “bee-guard” screens.

When a bird approaches, drinking bees
fly off but circle back
in tighter turns than hummingbirds,
drive off their feather-fanning
green competitors.
Then unlike hummers, bees can rest
atop a feeder’s slick red cap
sun-warmed and indolent.

All this circling, twisting
seldom-touching dogfight whirls
around false flowers
placed for joy.

[Achebe]

Love the new ending. Despite your protestations to the contrary, it does imbue the poem with the hint of having a deeper level of meaning , which is perfect. Well done.