Mayfly (Revised)

[Julius]

Mayfly (Revised)

I watch you flutter midst bright rays of sun

so innocent of how you came to be

as wonderful a sight for anyone

who here would rest awhile and watch with me.

I see bright colours in translucent wings

that drive your dance within warm beams of light.

It seems to me a choir of nature sings

its song and gently shares in my delight.

I know there was a time of cruelty

when nature bid you kill so you'd survive.

I understand, I know it had to be,

for this day of pleasure to arrive.

Nature knows no guilt my little one;

so take this day of life under the sun.






Mayfly

I watch you flutter in the mid-day sun
so innocent of how you came to be
so beautiful; a sight for any one
who has the time, and will, to stand and see
the rainbow colours in your fragile wings.
Then as you dart within warm beams of light,
it seems to me, the whole of nature sings
its song, and gently shares in my delight.

I know there was a time of cruelty
when you would kill in order to survive.
I understand, I know it had to be
in order that this pleasant day arrive.
So have no guilt my pretty little one;
accept your day of life under the sun.

[Achebe]

Mayfly

I watch you flutter in the mid-day sun
so innocent of how you came to be ... Drop the 'so', I'd suggest 
so beautiful; a sight for any one .... Ok with this 'so'
who has the time, and will, to stand and see .... 'No time to stand and stare' - boring and stale
the rainbow colours in your fragile wings. ... 'The rainbow in your xxxxx wings' sounds more immediate. 'Fragile' is tepid. How about something to someone suggest the ephemeral nature of those wings, like the ephemeral nature of rainbows?

Then as you dart within warm beams of light,
it seems to me, the whole of nature sings
its song, and gently shares in my delight. 

I know there was a time of cruelty
when you would kill in order to survive.
I understand, I know it had to be
in order that this pleasant day arrive.
So have no guilt my pretty little one;
accept your day of life under the sun. .... The last 2 stanzas don't appeal to me. I think you can do betters with the opening that you have.

Hi Julius - nice start, weak middle and ending. 
'Innocent of how you came to be so beautiful' sounds very poetic in my head, if you drop the 'so'. Love that line.
Good luck.

Edit: also, good job on the enjambment in L2/L3

[Julius]

Thank you Achebe for your thoughtful comments.
I have to agree starting two lines with "so" is a weakness that needs rectification. I admit that it came about as my mind was set on maintaining iambic pentameter in the lines.
I am quite happy with L4 but it will be interesting to see what anyone else might say.
In L5 I will think about " fragile", but it would mean replacing it with another word that maintains iambic pentameter.
I always find the final couplet of a sonnet the hardest part to produce especially when it forms the volta - but I'll also give this some thought when I try a revision.
Thank you again, I am grateful for your interest.

[Bunx]

Mayfly

I watch you flutter in the mid-day sun This is less of a suggestion and more of an option. You could Get rid of the "I" starting the poem with "watching" Then in the next stanza you could try Knowing. Makes the poem seem like it is happening as you read. It has a feel like it is actively happening already. 
so innocent of how you came to be
so beautiful; a sight for any one
who has the time, and will, to stand and see Liking the flow that this line solidifies.  
the rainbow colours in your fragile wings. Good imagery and perhaps symbolism?  
Then as you dart within warm beams of light, Maybe use a comma after then. Adding a pause to your next independent thought.  
it seems to me, the whole of nature sings  
its song, and gently shares in my delight.

I know there was a time of cruelty Liking the shift in tone. 
when you would kill in order to survive.
I understand, I know it had to be
in order that this pleasant day arrive.
So have no guilt my pretty little one;
accept your day of life under the sun.

When I read this poem I think it could symbolize quite a bit of things, ex: someone with a troubled childhood working their way out. I kind of took it this way, I took the mayfly with rainbow wings to symbolize the LBGT community and how some members grow out of hard trails held by society, hopefully coming out the other end as a beautiful developed person. This poem is also stand alone without looking into it to deep. 

Anyways really enjoyed this one thanks for the post! 

[Julius]

Mayfly

I watch you flutter in the mid-day sun This is less of a suggestion and more of an option. You could Get rid of the "I" starting the poem with "watching" Then in the next stanza you could try Knowing. Makes the poem seem like it is happening as you read. It has a feel like it is actively happening already. 
so innocent of how you came to be
so beautiful; a sight for any one
who has the time, and will, to stand and see Liking the flow that this line solidifies.  
the rainbow colours in your fragile wings. Good imagery and perhaps symbolism?  
Then as you dart within warm beams of light, Maybe use a comma after then. Adding a pause to your next independent thought.  
it seems to me, the whole of nature sings  
its song, and gently shares in my delight.

I know there was a time of cruelty Liking the shift in tone. 
when you would kill in order to survive.
I understand, I know it had to be
in order that this pleasant day arrive.
So have no guilt my pretty little one;
accept your day of life under the sun.

When I read this poem I think it could symbolize quite a bit of things, ex: someone with a troubled childhood working their way out. I kind of took it this way, I took the mayfly with rainbow wings to symbolize the LBGT community and how some members grow out of hard trails held by society, hopefully coming out the other end as a beautiful developed person. This poem is also stand alone without looking into it to deep. 

Anyways really enjoyed this one thanks for the post! 

Thank you Bunx, your thoughts are much appreciated. I feel starting the sonnet with "I" helps to set the iambic pentameter, but I'll give it some thought before any edit. I will also think about the punctuation around L6. Perhaps a comma after "then" and lose the comma at the end of the line.
In actual fact the poem was meant to be a simple nature poem without symbolising human experience, but if you see symbolism in it, and that added to your enjoyment, then I am rather pleased

[rocky20]

Mayfly

I watch you flutter in the mid-day sun
so innocent of how you came to be 
so beautiful; a sight for any one (perhaps a bit repetitive with the use of "so" here, also I think a stronger word than "beautiful" would help to solidify the imagery - perhaps beautiful is too vague?)
who has the time, and will, to stand and see
the rainbow colours in your fragile wings.
Then as you dart within warm beams of light, (Love this line - the action makes the creature)
it seems to me, the whole of nature sings (don't think either this comma nor the one in the next line are necessary)
its song, and gently shares in my delight.

I know there was a time of cruelty
when you would kill in order to survive.
I understand, I know it had to be
in order that this pleasant day arrive.
So have no guilt my pretty little one; (great use of guilt)
accept your day of life under the sun.

I also think this poem has a lot of symbology that relates it to the human experience. I really like the imagery you captured and then also finished with a strong message of the fragile nature hanging in the balance between living and cruelty and then ultimately finding acceptance.

[Julius]

Thank you Rocky. I'm pleased you find so much to like in my poem. I must do an edit sometime as there are quite a few suggestions in the thread - most of which are very helpful

[Erthona]

A sonnet, more or less, I briefly scanned it and though awkward at times it seems to technically meets the requirements.

Mayfly

I watch you flutter in the mid-day sun (cliche)
so innocent of how you came to be 
so beautiful; a sight for any one
who has the time, and will, to stand and see (Awkward phrasing, sorry, I can't offer a better suggestion, but still needs reworking)
the rainbow colours in your fragile wings. (borders on cliche)
Then as you dart within warm beams of light,
it seems to me, the whole of nature sings
its song, and gently shares in my delight. (a bit wordy, but good enough)

I know there was a time of cruelty (How is nature cruel?)
when you would kill in order to survive. (Who is the speaker talking to?)
I understand, I know it had to be  (no comma)
in order that this pleasant day arrive.
(space here)
So have no guilt my pretty little one;
accept your day of life under the sun.

Sorry, I know this critique goes beyond this forum. The writer might want to consider injecting some personification to make it something other than a sympathetic observation. If this is just a practice piece to work on a sonnet, then it is well done. For the most part it reads very smoothly, there was nothing to trip me up as far as the meter or the rhyme.
Philosophically, S3 + the couplet gave me problems. Yes to more personification, but this is unconnected and if it is talking solely about the mayfly, why should it have guilt (remorse) about killing, anymore than I do when I eat. Plus the phrase, "I know there was a time of cruelty"  begs the question, what time was that?
There is no need to tell the mayfly to "have no guilt" as (1) it cannot experience guilt, and (2), it cannot do anything to feel guilty about, it is simply nature in action. If the writer were meaning to tie this to something besides the mayfly and make a moral point that connection alluded me.

Best,

dale

 
PS





This poem reminded me of a poem by George Crabbe:

 Ephemera

    In shoals the hours their constant numbers bring,
    Like insects waking to th' advancing spring;
    Which take their rise from grubs obscene that lie
    In shallow pools, or thence ascend the sky:
    Such are these base ephemeras, so born
    To die before the next revolving morn.
  
      — George Crabbe, "The Newspaper", 1785

[Julius]

A sonnet, more or less, I briefly scanned it and though awkward at times it seems to technically meets the requirements.

Mayfly

I watch you flutter in the mid-day sun (cliche)
so innocent of how you came to be 
so beautiful; a sight for any one
who has the time, and will, to stand and see (Awkward phrasing, sorry, I can't offer a better suggestion, but still needs reworking)
the rainbow colours in your fragile wings. (borders on cliche)
Then as you dart within warm beams of light,
it seems to me, the whole of nature sings
its song, and gently shares in my delight. (a bit wordy, but good enough)

I know there was a time of cruelty (How is nature cruel?)
when you would kill in order to survive. (Who is the speaker talking to?)
I understand, I know it had to be  (no comma)
in order that this pleasant day arrive.
(space here)
So have no guilt my pretty little one;
accept your day of life under the sun.

Sorry, I know this critique goes beyond this forum. The writer might want to consider injecting some personification to make it something other than a sympathetic observation. If this is just a practice piece to work on a sonnet, then it is well done. For the most part it reads very smoothly, there was nothing to trip me up as far as the meter or the rhyme.
Philosophically, S3 + the couplet gave me problems. Yes to more personification, but this is unconnected and if it is talking solely about the mayfly, why should it have guilt (remorse) about killing, anymore than I do when I eat. Plus the phrase, "I know there was a time of cruelty"  begs the question, what time was that?
There is no need to tell the mayfly to "have no guilt" as (1) it cannot experience guilt, and (2), it cannot do anything to feel guilty about, it is simply nature in action. If the writer were meaning to tie this to something besides the mayfly and make a moral point that connection alluded me.

Best,

dale

 
PS





This poem reminded me of a poem by George Crabbe:

 Ephemera

    In shoals the hours their constant numbers bring,
    Like insects waking to th' advancing spring;
    Which take their rise from grubs obscene that lie
    In shallow pools, or thence ascend the sky:
    Such are these base ephemeras, so born
    To die before the next revolving morn.
  
      — George Crabbe, "The Newspaper", 1785

 Thank you Dale, I appreciate the fact that you have given much thought to this poem. I do accept that I have a tendency to include cliches. Sometimes that is unconscious, and sometimes accepted as a word or phrase that seems to exactly fit what I want to say.

As for the emotions or meanings behind the poem I would say that this poem is meant to be whimsical. The observer mixing human feelings within the spectacle he/she is observing. In its way it is accepting that these are a fact of the mayflies existence and that the mayfly is unaware, indeed has no need to be aware, of those human feelings.

The whole poem is “talking” to the mayfly (as thoughts passing through the watcher's mind) as signified by the title and the first few words. Perhaps this problem of “who is the speaker talking to” could be solved simply by removing the line break after L9?

When I have a quiet spell I will bear all these points in mind, but I'm glad the poem is generally liked and won't need too much editing.

[Magpie]

Mayfly

I watch you flutter in the mid-day sun
so innocent of how you came to be
so beautiful; a sight for any one
who has the time, and will, to stand and see
the rainbow colours in your fragile wings.
Then as you dart within warm beams of light,
it seems to me, the whole of nature sings
its song, and gently shares in my delight.

I know there was a time of cruelty
when you would kill in order to survive.
I understand, I know it had to be
in order that this pleasant day arrive.
So have no guilt my pretty little one;
accept your day of life under the sun.

Hi Julius,

Another enjoyable poem from you, I'll try not to repeat too much what others have said about cliches and so forth. Just one main point really, I agree with Achebe about the line "who has the time, and will, to stand and see", apart from it having an awkward phrasing it does have a sense of that this is a laborious task one has to undertake in able to appreciate the beauty. The inclusion of 'will' and 'stand' add to this feeling. Even if you were to change the 'stand' to 'sit' it would take the edge of slightly. This is not a suggestion as I know it would mess up the metre, but more just to show the effect of that one word has. This poem reminds me a lot of Wordsworth as do some of your other poems, it is clear that you have a great affection for him, which is a good thing because technically Wordsworth was excellent. I'm sure you know his 'To A Butterfly' poem, the first two lines of which are,

I've watched you now a full half-hour;
Self-poised upon that yellow flower

And to me, in these two lines he is expressing some of the same sentiment as you in the regards of being patient and observant, but without any sense of labour at all. If he had wrote 'I've stood and watched you a full half-hour', it would have a slightly different context.
I only dwell on this one point because I think it would make a beneficial difference to your poem as a whole.

I enjoy reading your poems, your style is very good and as I said, you remind me of Wordsworth and that can't be a bad thing at all.

Thanks for sharing,

Mark 

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Julius. This is a likable poem. I won't rehash what other's have said, but have one nit not yet mentioned. Below...

 

Mayfly

I watch you flutter in the mid-day sun
so innocent of how you came to be
so beautiful; a sight for any one
who has the time, and will, to stand and see
the rainbow colours in your fragile wings.
Then as you dart within warm beams of light,
it seems to me, the whole of nature sings
its song, and gently shares in my delight.

I know there was a time of cruelty
when you would kill in order to survive. I really don't like "in order to"
I understand, I know it had to be
in order that this pleasant day arrive. I like it less the 2nd time.
So have no guilt my pretty little one;
accept your day of life under the sun.

This is not a drive-by crit. I've read the piece a number of times and enjoy it. Thought the above observation might help.
Paul

[faerykid]

i really like the rhythm, its different but pleasant. in the second stanza the 4th line seems a little awkward. 'in order for' seems more suitable. as for the second line repeating in order there are many things to use in place, but its just a suggestion. the rhyming is still satisfying to me

[Ashok1]

Really nice. A few thoughts
Ashok

I watch you flutter in the mid-day sun
so innocent of how you came to be;

so beautiful; a sight for any one How about “ethereal” to replace “So beautiful”. In which case the previous line might end in a semicolon as shown

who has the time, and will, to stand and see

the rainbow colours in your fragile wings. I agree delete “colours” . How about “the gossamer rainbow in ….

Then as you dart within warm beams of light, Very nice. I agree perhaps put a comma after “then”

It seems to me, the whole of nature sings “it seems to me”. The poem is experiential, so maybe no need to state it, but not sure what one would replace it with
How about replacing “the whole of nature” with “that Nature’s choir”

its song, and gently shares in my delight.

I know there was a time of cruelty “cruelty” seems a little harsh- how about “a darker, harsher time”?

when you would kill in order to survive.
I understand, I know it had to be

in order that this pleasant day arrive. “pleasant” seems a little weak

So have no guilt my pretty little one;
accept your day of life under the sun.

[Julius]

I am naturally pleased that this little sonnet has generated so much interest and I sincerely thank everyone for their contributions. I must gather all the advice together and I'm sure much of it will be used in an edit.

[Julius]

Thank you all for the useful critique, most of which I have used in my edit. I hope you like the rewrite

[Ashok1]

Mayfly (Revised)

I watch you flutter midst bright rays of sun "bright rays" seems forced

so innocent of how you came to be the line should probably end with a comma

as wonderful a sight for anyone  Nit picking grammar but I think that "As wonderful..." needs to be followed by "as"

who here would rest awhile and watch with me.

I see bright colours in translucent wings

that drive your dance within warm beams of light. Nice

It seems to me a choir of nature sings I think that "nature's choir" reads better but hey, that's just me!

its song and gently shares in my delight. Needs to have a comma after "song" as in the first version

I know there was a time of cruelty Still jars a bit for me

when nature bid you kill so you'd survive.

I understand, I know it had to be,

for this day of pleasure to arrive. Metre doesnt fit; there are only nine not ten

Nature knows no guilt my little one; 

so take this day of life under the sun.

This version seems a bit rushed. Maybe you need to take some time out and let the crits and your own thoughts percolate a bit. It's a lovely idea and I'm sure could be developed into something really good. Having said that I'm a newbie on this site so may have got the wrong end of the stick altogether!




Mayfly

I watch you flutter in the mid-day sun
so innocent of how you came to be
so beautiful; a sight for any one
who has the time, and will, to stand and see
the rainbow colours in your fragile wings.
Then as you dart within warm beams of light,
it seems to me, the whole of nature sings
its song, and gently shares in my delight.

I know there was a time of cruelty
when you would kill in order to survive.
I understand, I know it had to be
in order that this pleasant day arrive.
So have no guilt my pretty little one;
accept your day of life under the sun.
[/quote]

[Julius]

Mayfly (Revised)

I watch you flutter midst bright rays of sun "bright rays" seems forced

so innocent of how you came to be the line should probably end with a comma

as wonderful a sight for anyone  Nit picking grammar but I think that "As wonderful..." needs to be followed by "as"

who here would rest awhile and watch with me.

I see bright colours in translucent wings

that drive your dance within warm beams of light. Nice

It seems to me a choir of nature sings I think that "nature's choir" reads better but hey, that's just me!

its song and gently shares in my delight. Needs to have a comma after "song" as in the first version

I know there was a time of cruelty Still jars a bit for me

when nature bid you kill so you'd survive.

I understand, I know it had to be,

for this day of pleasure to arrive. Metre doesnt fit; there are only nine not ten

Nature knows no guilt my little one; 

so take this day of life under the sun.

This version seems a bit rushed. Maybe you need to take some time out and let the crits and your own thoughts percolate a bit. It's a lovely idea and I'm sure could be developed into something really good. Having said that I'm a newbie on this site so may have got the wrong end of the stick altogether!




Mayfly

I watch you flutter in the mid-day sun
so innocent of how you came to be
so beautiful; a sight for any one
who has the time, and will, to stand and see
the rainbow colours in your fragile wings.
Then as you dart within warm beams of light,
it seems to me, the whole of nature sings
its song, and gently shares in my delight.

I know there was a time of cruelty
when you would kill in order to survive.
I understand, I know it had to be
in order that this pleasant day arrive.
So have no guilt my pretty little one;
accept your day of life under the sun.

[/quote]

Thank you for reading and your thoughts. Perhaps slotting in the ideas given to me has resulted in what might be better described as a new "rough draft"?
Reference the 9 syllable last line, I shall have to consider where the stresses lie. You can have 9 syllables in iambic pentameter as long as the missing syllable is the first unstressed one. This is known as a headless iamb.
FOR/this DAY/of PLEA/sure TO/arrIVE.

Hopefully, I'll get some more comments, but yours are appreciated