the owl

[advocaite]

So i was looking out my window today thinking what should i write for you all today how can i improve  etc etc

I saw a owl sit around and then take off and started to write,
I had to stop as after the first paragraph as anything else i wrote it started to feel forced and i did not like that
Please critique it as much as you like:


Hardness touched the softest vision,
fluid in measure, 
flushed by decision.
Time shows no mercy, 
longing to ponder the night.
Tears fill rivers, the heart crystallize.
while the length reaches near, 
stare forth and collide.
Left to a itself only emptiness inside.
fathom the cries, for this hour a bird takes flight.

[Erthona]

Poems should stand on their own with out explanation. In the future just post the poem, otherwise it is likely to bias the critique.
__________________________________________________________________________

Hardness touched the softest vision,
fluid in measure,
flushed by decision. (If this were written out in a complete sentence would it make sense?)
Hardness touched the softest vision, fluid in measure, flushed by decision.

(Do you really want "hardness to be your subject?)

Time shows no mercy,
longing to ponder the night. (Is time longing to ponder the night?)
Tears fill rivers, the heart crystallize. ("crystallizes" there is a period after "crystallize" should be a comma or the next line should be capped)
while the length reaches near, (what length?)
stare forth and collide. ("stares" Sorry this makes no sense to me)
Left to a itself only emptiness inside. (Did you re-read this before posting it? "Left to "a" itself" Once again this ends in a period, but the next line is not capped)
fathom the cries, for this hour a bird takes flight.(cliche)
_____________________________________________________________________
There are some fundamental grammatical problems with this poem that lead to a decided lack of clarity. I suggest letting a piece set for several weeks before posting. Just put it somewhere and forget it. Then come back to it and read it with fresh eyes, this will help you catch the technical errors as well as to see if what you have written actually makes sense. This is something all new poets must learn to do, so you are not unique in this.

Welcome to the site,

Best,

dale

[advocaite]

thanks for the pointing out grammatical errors

I might do that put it down and come back before posting it.

[cidermaid]

So i was looking out my window today thinking what should i write for you all today how can i improve  etc etc

I saw a owl sit around and then take off and started to write,
I had to stop as after the first paragraph as anything else i wrote it started to feel forced and i did not like that
Please critique it as much as you like:




Hardness touched the softest vision,
fluid in measure, 
flushed by decision.
Time shows no mercy, 
longing to ponder the night.
Tears fill rivers, the heart crystallize.
while the length reaches near, 
stare forth and collide.
Left to a itself only emptiness inside.
fathom the cries, for this hour a bird takes flight.

Hi, I have read this one several times now and find that I agree with the comments that Dale has made concerning the overall read of this one.
owls are something I love as well and when you see one they are entrancing so I can see why you felt inspired to write your poem.
This poem fell short on delivery for me because I could not connect the images you had selected with an owl in my mind.

It feels that perhaps you are trying too hard and that you are in a hurry to be poetic.  Some of the best advise I received when I first started writing and joined the site was to allow myself to write complete crap in terms of it being a finished poem, but to pay careful attention to my words actually meaning something.  (ie don't write poetically - write things that make sense).

The owl is a great subject choice, so don't give up on this.  If you are going to leave it for a while my suggestion would be to sit and free write 8 - 10 sentences each on a new line about exactly what you saw (and how it made you feel / what memories or emotions it brought to mind).  try and include as many descriptive words as you can.
Hopefully when you come back to this these lines will help you recall what it was you saw and wanted to express.
Hope this helps AJ.

[escher]

Hi there,

Firstly I am new at critiquing, hopefully I can contribute in some way.
Personally as I read this I got a sense of mystery and allure, I don't know if thats what you intended.
I like how its a little ambiguous - if your going with mystery or the unknown. 

Tears fill like rivers, the heart crystallise - alludes to personal feelings rising up, triggered by the symbolism of the owl
thats how I read it anyway. 
It could be interesting to connect the owl to yourself somehow. It might be as simple as adding in an 'I' or 'My' - Just a suggestion.

Overall - the poem is alluring, but kind of disjointed. I always find it helpful to ask my self - What is the point of the poem - even if the point is that there is no point, did it come across in the poem as a whole. It always helps me focus on what the the poem needs. 

Lastly there are some grammatical corrections that need to be made. i.e L10 doesn't need the 'a'

I hope that was helpful  

Hardness touched the softest vision,
fluid in measure, 
flushed by decision.
Time shows no mercy, 
longing to ponder the night.
Tears fill rivers, the heart crystallize.
while the length reaches near, 
stare forth and collide.
Left to a itself only emptiness inside.
fathom the cries, for this hour a bird takes flight.