Nightmare Song

[rowens]

Ronny got cancer of the asshole
and had to have it removed.
The space-time situation
when he sat
afterwards, alienated him
from this world
 
of beer and women (
and the tough-guy sports.
Like W.B. Yeats with a toothache
Ron spiralled into control
of his verse.
, their bodies)
 
: and after coming back from the war
he laughed in the faces of heroes;
suffering is long, and time is fleeting
he said,
as he stood up one final time
and pissed on the graves of the Unknown Soldier.
 
 
                                        —Nightmare Song
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

[Achebe]

Ronny got cancer of the asshole
and had to have it removed.
The space-time situation ............. Is it another way of saying 'out of this world'? 'space time' is not a good synonym...perhaps extraplanetary / extragalactic?
when he sat
afterwards, alienated him
from this world
 
of beer and women (
and the tough-guy sports.
Like W.B. Yeats with a toothache 
Ron spiralled into control
of his verse.
, their bodies) .......... nice, but this conflicts with the sentiment in the subsequent stanza
 
: and after coming back from the war
he laughed in the faces of heroes;
suffering is long, and time is fleeting
he said,
as he stood up one final time
and pissed on the graves of the Unknown Soldier ........... nice ending. Life is meaningless, there's no such thing as glory. Death is unheroic and banal. 'Battling against cancer' is also BS. But contradicts the sentiment in the previous stanza
 
                                         —Nightmare Song
  

The first two lines are powerful, and each stanza on its own is good. However, the three don't come together quite as yet.

[Minu]

Ronny got cancer of the asshole  - I'd actually change it to arsehole. Though a UK term it carries more weight than simply asshole, particularly with the rest of the poem's theme
and had to have it removed. - what had to be removed, his ass? Clarification is needed.
The space-time situation - hello? Is he an alien, time traveller?
when he sat - so the cancer was removed and every-time he sat down there was a space-time situation. Did he blast off with a fart or something?
afterwards, alienated him
from this world
 
of beer and women -- does he open a can with his ass & love a woman with his butt-cheeks?
and the tough-guy sports. -- what sports? The ever elusive game of "douche ball"?
Like W.B. Yeats with a toothache - we go from ass ache to tooth ache.
Ron spiralled into control - five seconds ago he appeared to be on the bottom rung with no control over anything.
of his verse.
, their bodies)
 
: and after coming back from the war - ... we got from cancer of the ass, to blasting into space with a fart, add on a toothache and now he's back from war. What is it?
he laughed in the faces of heroes; - he's blasting into space with a fart, I think it's the other way around.
suffering is long, and time is fleeting - true, though it seems he has lived more than his fair share of farces than anything.
he said,
as he stood up one final time
and pissed on the graves of the Unknown Soldier. - here's why you change it to cancer of the arsehole, he's a down and out guy bemoaning he's an arse.
 
 
                                        —Nightmare Song
  

I suppose it would do for a little light snooze. However, it is disjointed and rambling with little to no connection between the different stanzas and so makes it hard to read. Without seeing it as a whole poem each separate stanza could apply to three separate men instead of one. The only connection throughout the entire thing is the first line about cancer and the line about him standing up a final time seeing as cancer is more often than not fatal.

[rowens]

He had his asshole removed, the hole itself. Hence his space-time and other deficiencies. What girl wants to date a guy without an asshole? Think about that. . . . It's one in a series of twelve poems, some about Ronny, some spoken by him, I call sonnets, despite what might be said. It's not a case of it all coming together as a whole only alongside its eleven compatriots. Nothing like that. They simply form a series. A series called The Hellhounds. I haven't posted the others because there are actually more than twelve, which presents a problem, and because it hasn't seemed important to yet.

[Achebe]

There is a connection b/w S1 and S2, not S2 and S3.
The issue is that Yeats-like, if he 'spiralled into control of his verse', then he wouldn't 'piss on the grave of the unknown soldier'. The two sentiments are very different.
That is the chief problem.

The space-time situation doesn't need explaining - it's obvious to anyone what you're trying to say.
As I said, overall it's a pretty good pome.

[rowens]

If that sentiment has to be retained, the Ronster doesn't have much to live for. But I think he'd be flattered and mildly, even a lot, pleased that any sentiment was recognized at all in him.

[just mercedes]

I really admire 'like W. B. Yeats with a toothache' - best image in the poem for me.

[milo]

I really admire 'like W. B. Yeats with a toothache' - best image in the poem for me.

yah, the image is good.
Wonder if you need the "W.B." though
"like Yeats with a toothache" would probably work.

[Achebe]

I really admire 'like W. B. Yeats with a toothache' - best image in the poem for me.

yah, the image is good.
Wonder if you need the "W.B." though
"like Yeats with a toothache" would probably work.

interesting - in my view, keeping the 'WB' actually works, because it makes the line longer, looser, and less controlled, which is a nice set up before the 'spiralled into control'.
With just 'Yeats', it does sound a bit too business-like.
But I haven't had my morning machiatto as yet.

[rowens]

What ronsaik says about business sounds right to me. Though I wouldn't have mentioned business myself. In the related poems, so-and-so's mentioned only with his last name, and everyone else with their full names the first or only time. Since Ronny's world isn't a world where poets would be familiar. Maybe, it happened, Ronny sold his soul to the sprinkler in his half-sister's yard to write one good line. Though there are more than twelve poems, but twelve supposed to be.