I'll preface this by saying a lot of the ideas and words are drawn from a Finnish pop song by a great artist, Jenni Vartianen. I am in no way claiming this as my original idea! Here's the song, with translated lyrics: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKIdNPuN2B4 But anyways, here's my first attempt at poetry in months.
Edit 2:
From what I’ve seen and heard, love is worse
than burning war’s ungoverned battlefield;
I know by heart its lasting, ragged curse,
its scars that seasons’ changes haven’t healed.
And if I war to keep you as my own,
and losing, fail to hold you in your rage,
would I fail? Would I be lonely, thrown
out of paradise, or—out of a cage?
A cage indeed, when Eden slowly turns
into the land of death, and all that grows
there is the thought that everything at last,
by God’s revenge or nature’s need, returns
to dust. Can love, when fading passion shows
it’s yellowed leaves, not wilt into the past?
Edit 1:
From what I’ve seen and heard, love is worse
than burning war’s ungoverned battlefield;
I know by heart its lasting, ragged curse,
its scars that seasons’ changings haven’t healed.
And if I war to keep you as my own,
and losing, fail you in the clamor’s rage,
would I fail? When two are lonely thrown
out of paradise, or… out of a cage?
Is it a cage, when Eden slowly turns
into a land of death, and all that grows
there is the thought that everything at last,
by God’s revenge or nature’s need, returns
to dust? Can love, when Life’s Tree shows
it’s yellowed leaves, not fall into the past?
From what I’ve heard and seen, love is worse
than burning war’s ungoverned battlefield.
I know by heart its lasting, ragged curse,
its scars that seasons’ changings haven’t healed.
And if I war to keep you as my own,
and losing, fail you in the clamor’s rage,
would I fail? When two are lonely thrown
out of paradise, or… out of a cage?
Is it a cage, when Eden slowly turns
into a land of dead-end paths, and all that grows
there is the thought that everything at last,
by God’s revenge or nature’s need, returns
to dust? Can love, when its soul flows,
forget the bitter channels of the past?
I really like this poem. It evokes a haunting image of love.
I enjoyed the use of "war" as a verb in the line "And if I war to keep you as my own". This feels a much more powerful link to the war theme than using a more conventional fighting verb.
I think I'm on the fence on the repetition of "fail" in the lines, "and losing, fail you in the clamor’s rage, // would I fail? When two are lonely thrown". Is it adding or not?
The "When two are lonely thrown" part works very well for me to bring in the Garden of Eden theme. A very nice transition.
I like the final line but is there a way to bring more pep to it? Ending on "past" versus "bitter channels" seems to take some of the energy out of it so the tension seems to flatten out.
I like your sonnet - the meter is a little ragged in places (lines 1, 7, 10 and 13 on a first run through) but that may be intentional. I really like the way questions evoke a response from the reader.
(10-31-2015, 11:55 PM)alatos Wrote: Close, but the deficiencies in form tarnish the message, methinks. Notes on your meter, plus a few suggestions.
From what I’ve heard and seen, love is worse Missing an unstressed syllable, between "seen" and "love". Modify love, or hell, change it to romance.
than burning war’s ungoverned battlefield. On content: "burning" seems superfluous.
I know by heart its lasting, ragged curse,
its scars that seasons’ changings haven’t healed. On content: I love these last two lines.
And if I war to keep you as my own,
and losing, fail you in the clamor’s rage,
would I fail? When two are lonely thrown On content: you already said you failed in the last line, so the question here seems rather, well, stupid. On form: missing an unstressed syllable before "would", although in this case this is excusable. Change "fail" into an iambic word with a more appropriate meaning; and yes, the produced opening trochee would very much work here, I think.
out of paradise, or… out of a cage? On form: the statement here feels a bit awkward. The ellipsis is your greatest problem here, though the prosody, too, is slightly out of whack. Perhaps "out of God's paradise-- or out a cage?"
Is it a cage, when Eden slowly turns
into a land of dead-end paths, and all that grows On form: an iamb too much. Also, sonically, I think "dead-end roads" is better.
there is the thought that everything at last, On form: the break between "grows" and "there" here threw me off. The two are continuous, and there doesn't seem to be a point in breaking them apart, especially with your chosen form.
by God’s revenge or nature’s need, returns
to dust? Can love, when its soul flows, On form: an iamb too little.
forget the bitter channels of the past? These last six lines somewhat throws me off. The misses in the prosody seem more like mistakes here than actual choices, and the resolution is inadequate -- I understand that a sonnet doesn't exactly need a clean end, but this ending is both discontinuous and repetitive for me -- answer it.
(10-31-2015, 11:55 PM)alatos Wrote: I'll preface this by saying a lot of the ideas and words are drawn from a Finnish pop song by a great artist, Jenni Vartianen. I am in no way claiming this as my original idea! Here's the song, with translated lyrics: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKIdNPuN2B4 But anyways, here's my first attempt at poetry in months.
Edit 2:
From what I’ve seen and heard, love is worse
than burning war’s ungoverned battlefield;
I know by heart its lasting, ragged curse,
its scars that seasons’ changes haven’t healed.
And if I war to keep you as my own,
and losing, fail to hold you in your rage,
would I fail? Would I be lonely, thrown
out of paradise, or—out of a cage?
A cage indeed, when Eden slowly turns
into the land of death, and all that grows
there is the thought that everything at last,
by God’s revenge or nature’s need, returns
to dust. Can love, when fading passion shows
it’s yellowed leaves, not wilt into the past?
Edit 1:
From what I’ve seen and heard, love is worse
than burning war’s ungoverned battlefield;
I know by heart its lasting, ragged curse,
its scars that seasons’ changings haven’t healed.
And if I war to keep you as my own,
and losing, fail you in the clamor’s rage,
would I fail? When two are lonely thrown
out of paradise, or… out of a cage?
Is it a cage, when Eden slowly turns
into a land of death, and all that grows
there is the thought that everything at last,
by God’s revenge or nature’s need, returns
to dust? Can love, when Life’s Tree shows
it’s yellowed leaves, not fall into the past?
From what I’ve heard and seen, love is worse
than burning war’s ungoverned battlefield.
I know by heart its lasting, ragged curse,
its scars that seasons’ changings haven’t healed.
And if I war to keep you as my own,
and losing, fail you in the clamor’s rage,
would I fail? When two are lonely thrown
out of paradise, or… out of a cage?
Is it a cage, when Eden slowly turns
into a land of dead-end paths, and all that grows
there is the thought that everything at last,
by God’s revenge or nature’s need, returns
to dust? Can love, when its soul flows,
forget the bitter channels of the past?
the minor changes make a lot of difference. L6 reads a lot easier now and L9 feels better now you turned it into a statement instead of a question. good edit that shows you don't need to butcher in order to improve.
(10-31-2015, 11:55 PM)alatos Wrote: I'll preface this by saying a lot of the ideas and words are drawn from a Finnish pop song by a great artist, Jenni Vartianen. I am in no way claiming this as my original idea! Here's the song, with translated lyrics: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKIdNPuN2B4 But anyways, here's my first attempt at poetry in months.
Edit 2:
From what I’ve seen and heard, love is worse
than burning war’s ungoverned battlefield;
I know by heart its lasting, ragged curse,
its scars that seasons’ changes haven’t healed.
And if I war to keep you as my own,
and losing, fail to hold you in your rage,
would I fail? Would I be lonely, thrown
out of paradise, or—out of a cage?
A cage indeed, when Eden slowly turns
into the land of death, and all that grows
there is the thought that everything at last,
by God’s revenge or nature’s need, returns
to dust. Can love, when fading passion shows
it’s yellowed leaves, not wilt into the past?
Edit 1:
From what I’ve seen and heard, love is worse
than burning war’s ungoverned battlefield;
I know by heart its lasting, ragged curse,
its scars that seasons’ changings haven’t healed.
And if I war to keep you as my own,
and losing, fail you in the clamor’s rage,
would I fail? When two are lonely thrown
out of paradise, or… out of a cage?
Is it a cage, when Eden slowly turns
into a land of death, and all that grows
there is the thought that everything at last,
by God’s revenge or nature’s need, returns
to dust? Can love, when Life’s Tree shows
it’s yellowed leaves, not fall into the past?
From what I’ve heard and seen, love is worse
than burning war’s ungoverned battlefield.
I know by heart its lasting, ragged curse,
its scars that seasons’ changings haven’t healed.
And if I war to keep you as my own,
and losing, fail you in the clamor’s rage,
would I fail? When two are lonely thrown
out of paradise, or… out of a cage?
Is it a cage, when Eden slowly turns
into a land of dead-end paths, and all that grows
there is the thought that everything at last,
by God’s revenge or nature’s need, returns
to dust? Can love, when its soul flows,
forget the bitter channels of the past?
