Apocalypse

[crow]

It was routine practice for native Americans to burn the New England forests. The fire cleared the underbrush. English settlers expanding west, in the early days, could ride horses at full gallop through the woods. But the first English to travel west from the colonies weren't men. They were disease. Smallpox annihilated many tribes, leaving desolated, pristine acres behind.  

A young family traveling out into the wilderness, therefore, would have been greeted with open fields, populated by troves of animals, their numbers unchecked by hunters who now, in strange poses, had wasted into skeletons, which could be found grouped in lifeless encampments, prone in empty fields, contorted and hunched alone against a tall tree in a New England cathedral forest, where a child might accidentally find them, and perhaps leave breathless and horrified, holding strange jewelry, or a knife, or a bone, wondering how to keep it secret, or what sin they may have done in the eyes of their violent, reckless Christ.

[dukealien]

It was routine practice for native Americans to burn the New England forests. The fire cleared the underbrush. English settlers expanding west, in the early days, could ride horses at full gallop through the woods. But the first English to travel west from the colonies weren't men. They were disease. Smallpox annihilated many tribes, leaving desolated, pristine acres behind.  

A young family traveling out into the wilderness, therefore, would have been greeted with open fields, populated by troves of animals, their numbers unchecked by hunters who now, in strange poses, had wasted into skeletons, which could be found grouped in lifeless encampments, prone in empty fields, contorted and hunched alone against a tall tree in a New England cathedral forest, where a child might accidentally find them, and perhaps leave breathless and horrified, holding strange jewelry, or a knife, or a bone, wondering how to keep it secret, or what sin they may have done in the eyes of their violent, reckless Christ.

In basic critique, and taking this as a prose poem, I'd say it reads like a somewhat novelized history text by a competent or better-than-competent author.  That's good:  it gets its point across and contains striking images.

Some of the images could perhaps be improved:  for example, by making the point that they could ride at a gallop through the burnt-out woods among healthy trees, only the tangling creepers and underbrush having been consumed (as in any natural forest fire).  Another point might be that the native Americans did not have this purpose in mind since they had no horses until the Europeans brought them.

There are a few cliches, which are hard to avoid in expository writing:  "greeted by," for example.  Number (singular/plural) does not match in the short sentence, "They were disease."  Strictly speaking, both should be plural (to agree with the previous sentence), i.e. "They were diseases."

Your second paragraph is one sentence which could easily be converted into blank verse by line breaks, thus:

A young family traveling out into the wilderness, therefore,
would have been greeted with open fields, populated
by troves of animals, their numbers unchecked
by hunters who now, in strange poses, had wasted
into skeletons, which could be found grouped
in lifeless encampments,
prone in empty fields,
contorted and hunched alone against a tall tree
in a New England cathedral
forest, where a child might accidentally find them,
and perhaps leave breathless and horrified, holding
strange jewelry, or a knife, or a bone,
wondering how to keep it secret,
or what sin they may have done
in the eyes of their violent, reckless Christ.

(Example only.)  The final thought, "what sin they may have done in the eyes of their violent, reckless Christ," is unclear in its use of "they" and "their" - can be confusing, particularly on first reading.  It might be worth specifying that the imputed sins were by the native Americans and the Christ of "their" was of the Europeans - who felt, catholically, that sins were so punished even when committed by "heathens" whom the Europeans' gospel had not reached in time.  The final adjective ("reckless") seems to need more support if the prose-poem is meant to be expository, but in an art-poem serves as a late turn from description to author's judgement.  As such, it is effective.

[billy]

it reads like a nice piece of informative prose. i think it would be enhanced with four or five strong images. at present it's more story than poem. if you can add the metaphors/similes you'll have a much more interesting piece. poem-wise.

It was routine practice for native Americans to burn the New England forests. The fire cleared the underbrush. English settlers expanding west, in the early days, could ride horses at full gallop through the woods. But the first English to travel west from the colonies weren't men. They were disease. Smallpox annihilated many tribes, leaving desolated, pristine acres behind.  

A young family traveling out into the wilderness, therefore, would have been greeted with open fields, populated by troves of animals, their numbers unchecked by hunters who now, in strange poses, had wasted into skeletons, which could be found grouped in lifeless encampments, prone in empty fields, contorted and hunched alone against a tall tree in a New England cathedral forest, where a child might accidentally find them, and perhaps leave breathless and horrified, holding strange jewelry, or a knife, or a bone, wondering how to keep it secret, or what sin they may have done in the eyes of their violent, reckless Christ.

[nozaki]

It was routine practice for native Americans to burn the New England forests. The fire cleared the underbrush. English settlers expanding west, in the early days, could ride horses at full gallop through the woods. But the first English to travel west from the colonies weren't men. They were disease. Smallpox annihilated many tribes, leaving desolated, pristine acres behind.  

A young family traveling out into the wilderness, therefore, would have been greeted with open fields, populated by troves of animals, their numbers unchecked by hunters who now, in strange poses, had wasted into skeletons, which could be found grouped in lifeless encampments, prone in empty fields, contorted and hunched alone against a tall tree in a New England cathedral forest, where a child might accidentally find them, and perhaps leave breathless and horrified, holding strange jewelry, or a knife, or a bone, wondering how to keep it secret, or what sin they may have done in the eyes of their violent, reckless Christ.

like this the more i read it. some small suggestions and thoughts

- semicolon perhaps to connect the first two sentences 
- do you need 'from the colonies' ? 
- 'desolated, pristine' is a lovely juxtaposition
- second stanza really runs away beautifully ; love the transition from plural to singular in 'a tall tree' 
- 'open fields' and 'empty fields' seems redundant 
- sin is not typically 'done' , committed? alternatively, 'or what sin their violent, reckless Christ had seen'

[crow]

It was routine practice for native Americans to burn the New England forests. The fire cleared the underbrush. English settlers expanding west, in the early days, could ride horses at full gallop through the woods. But the first English to travel west from the colonies weren't men. They were disease. Smallpox annihilated many tribes, leaving desolated, pristine acres behind.  

A young family traveling out into the wilderness, therefore, would have been greeted with open fields, populated by troves of animals, their numbers unchecked by hunters who now, in strange poses, had wasted into skeletons, which could be found grouped in lifeless encampments, prone in empty fields, contorted and hunched alone against a tall tree in a New England cathedral forest, where a child might accidentally find them, and perhaps leave breathless and horrified, holding strange jewelry, or a knife, or a bone, wondering how to keep it secret, or what sin they may have done in the eyes of their violent, reckless Christ.

In basic critique, and taking this as a prose poem, I'd say it reads like a somewhat novelized history text by a competent or better-than-competent author.  That's good:  it gets its point across and contains striking images.

Some of the images could perhaps be improved:  for example, by making the point that they could ride at a gallop through the burnt-out woods among healthy trees, only the tangling creepers and underbrush having been consumed (as in any natural forest fire).  Another point might be that the native Americans did not have this purpose in mind since they had no horses until the Europeans brought them.

There are a few cliches, which are hard to avoid in expository writing:  "greeted by," for example.  Number (singular/plural) does not match in the short sentence, "They were disease."  Strictly speaking, both should be plural (to agree with the previous sentence), i.e. "They were diseases."

Your second paragraph is one sentence which could easily be converted into blank verse by line breaks, thus:

A young family traveling out into the wilderness, therefore,
would have been greeted with open fields, populated
by troves of animals, their numbers unchecked
by hunters who now, in strange poses, had wasted
into skeletons, which could be found grouped
in lifeless encampments,
prone in empty fields,
contorted and hunched alone against a tall tree
in a New England cathedral
forest, where a child might accidentally find them,
and perhaps leave breathless and horrified, holding
strange jewelry, or a knife, or a bone,
wondering how to keep it secret,
or what sin they may have done
in the eyes of their violent, reckless Christ.

(Example only.)  The final thought, "what sin they may have done in the eyes of their violent, reckless Christ," is unclear in its use of "they" and "their" - can be confusing, particularly on first reading.  It might be worth specifying that the imputed sins were by the native Americans and the Christ of "their" was of the Europeans - who felt, catholically, that sins were so punished even when committed by "heathens" whom the Europeans' gospel had not reached in time.  The final adjective ("reckless") seems to need more support if the prose-poem is meant to be expository, but in an art-poem serves as a late turn from description to author's judgement.  As such, it is effective.

Wonderful crit. I’m keen to take all your notes.

[crow]

Thanks for the feedback, y’all! It’s just what I needed.

[Knot]

Hi Crow,
I'm broadly in agreement with billy and duke: it's intrinsically interesting but
(I think due to style more than anything) it just lacks a bit of punch. In the first
stanza, the rather academic tone, and lack of any striking images makes for a
very slow start - though things pick up in S2.
(Apologies if this crit is too much for Basic, I'm never sure what's required.)


Apocalypse
- I'd prefer something that relates a bit more
to the specifics of the piece (Conflagration, perhaps).

It was routine practice for native Americans to burn the New England forests.
- I'd like a stronger opening with a bit more specifics. For instance,
Before the coming of the Europeans the [tribe/tribal name] would burn the forests
of [indigenous name]. Fire cleared the underbrush.
And personally, I'd like to know why they fired the forests? I'd think an interesting comparison might be made between their burning the forests to destroy 'pests', including ticks etc., and how, as you suggest, it facilitated the spread of foreign diseases.
English settlers expanding west, in the early days, could ride horses at full gallop through the woods.
- 'Early days' might be better replaced with a date.
And an explanation for why they might 'ride horses at full gallop' wouldn't go amiss.
But the first English to travel west from the colonies weren't men.
- I'd question the use of 'English' (especially if, as google reports, smallpox originates in either India or NE Africa)
I think you might make something of
but it wasn't man that raced through the forests, but disease.
They were disease. Smallpox annihilated many tribes, leaving desolated, pristine acres behind.
- Could you not compare smallpox with the 'burning' of the forest?

A young family traveling out into the wilderness, therefore, would have been greeted with
- I don't think the 'therefore' helps, and the 'young family' don't really have enough flesh on their bones.
open fields, populated by troves of animals, their numbers unchecked by hunters who now, in strange poses, had wasted into skeletons, which could be found grouped in lifeless
- Like the use of 'troves', but I'd prefer a more dramatic telling/picturing
encampments, prone in empty fields, contorted and hunched alone against a tall tree in a New England cathedral forest, where a child might accidentally find them, and perhaps leave
- do you need 'forest'? It is implied in the context, and 'cathedral' would gain a bit from being unmodified.
breathless and horrified, holding strange jewelry, or a knife, or a bone, wondering how to
- Not sure how you can get to 'breathless and horrified' in this form. It might help to start S2 by referring to yourself/the narrator (who is imagining all this).
keep it secret, or what sin they may have done in the eyes of their violent, reckless Christ.
- Not sure who 'their' refers to.


Regards, Knot.

.

[crow]

Knot,

Daaang.

Thank you.

[bedeep]

Hi, Crow. I would love to see any revision of this you write. I agree with much of Knot's commentary. In prose poetry I prefer tight language, and as much specificity as the poem and its subject allow (though of course there are exceptions to everything!) So I would apply that kind of economy here.

Your imagery in the second paragraph is strong and juicy. I especially like the words "holding strange jewelry". I also appreciate the education offered here as I often wondered how people could gallop through a forest. (Seriously, I have wondered that!)

So if the first paragraph were tightened up and the second also, and perhaps even begin it with the child exploring, stumbling upon a dead camp, in the midst of that forest glory. The very end "what sin they may have done" etc. is quite potent. I am left with the idea of the child, experiencing the beauty of the natural world and then finding that horror within it....

Thank you for this read!

It was routine practice for native Americans to burn the New England forests. The fire cleared the underbrush. English settlers expanding west, in the early days, could ride horses at full gallop through the woods. But the first English to travel west from the colonies weren't men. They were disease. Smallpox annihilated many tribes, leaving desolated, pristine acres behind.  

A young family traveling out into the wilderness, therefore, would have been greeted with open fields, populated by troves of animals, their numbers unchecked by hunters who now, in strange poses, had wasted into skeletons, which could be found grouped in lifeless encampments, prone in empty fields, contorted and hunched alone against a tall tree in a New England cathedral forest, where a child might accidentally find them, and perhaps leave breathless and horrified, holding strange jewelry, or a knife, or a bone, wondering how to keep it secret, or what sin they may have done in the eyes of their violent, reckless Christ.

[busker]

It was routine practice for native Americans to burn the New England forests. The fire cleared the underbrush. English settlers expanding west, in the early days, could ride horses at full gallop through the woods. But the first English to travel west from the colonies weren't men. They were disease. Smallpox annihilated many tribes, leaving desolated, pristine acres behind.  

A young family traveling out into the wilderness, therefore, would have been greeted with open fields, populated by troves of animals, their numbers unchecked by hunters who now, in strange poses, had wasted into skeletons, which could be found grouped in lifeless encampments, prone in empty fields, contorted and hunched alone against a tall tree in a New England cathedral forest, where a child might accidentally find them, and perhaps leave breathless and horrified, holding strange jewelry, or a knife, or a bone, wondering how to keep it secret, or what sin they may have done in the eyes of their violent, reckless Christ.

It's a nice prose piece, but struggles as a prose poem. The first para is argument, moving from cause to effect, and not observation.  Also, phrases such as 'annihilated many tribes', 'desolate, pristine acres' are too general and abstract for poetry.
There is a nice story in the second para, perhaps better told as an episode rather than a conjecture (...'would have been' etc). The core of a nice poem is certainly there.