Empty

[ohkshea]

You fall asleep in her arms, but never in mine
You tell her how you feel, but to me you're always fine
For a while I could not accept your denial of my importance in your life
But I was the one who was wrong to begin with
I believed there was something between us
Something that I've only ever caught a glimpse of
And I had hope for us
I had hoped we would grow, together as people
Wrong was I, wrong was I
Not that you are not fit for me
But I am not fit for you 
Only because I am not fit for anyone
As a heart that's never been whole can never truly love
But I do not feel sad to see you with anyone else
I do not feel sad
I do not feel anything at all 
I am empty

[Weeded]

Hello ohkshea,
Thanks for the poem. I like the general plot, definitely something I can identify with. I also like how the lines steadily decrease in syllable count as the poem progresses(though I wish it wouldnt have been so back and forth). The execution comes off as a bit lacking. The lack of punctuation and capitalization of each line is a bit confusing. It seems a bit strange to start the first two lines with end rhymes and have literally no other rhymes in the rest of the poem. The two end rhymes, along with most of the content feels a tad cliche and forced. Certain words might contribute to this, the redundacy seems deliberate but doesn't have the effect you intended. The "wrong was I" line just comes off a little too yoda-y. I think you have something you really felt the need to express, Id encourage you to perhaps take a step back and ponder on the true feeling you wish to convey with this poem. I feel it, like I said however its the execution thats lost in this one. Good luck, and thanks for the poem again.

Mike

[elviaje26]

You fall asleep in her arms, but never in mine
You tell her how you feel, but to me you're always fine
For a while I could not accept your denial of my importance in your life
But I was the one who was wrong to begin with
I believed there was something between us
Something that I've only ever caught a glimpse of
And I had hope for us
I had hoped we would grow, together as people
Wrong was I, wrong was I
Not that you are not fit for me
But I am not fit for you 
Only because I am not fit for anyone
As a heart that's never been whole can never truly love
But I do not feel sad to see you with anyone else
I do not feel sad
I do not feel anything at all 
I am empty

First off, in my reading of poems in all of the categories "serious, mild, and novice" this poem struck the most nerve for me. This poem is great and i'm not just saying this. Favorite so far.

What was so great about this poem was the last line
"I am empty"
 and also the line "Only because I am not fit for anyone?:

I feel like your first line, too, should not be editied.

In critique the line- "As a heart that's never been whole can never truly love" seems to not help the poem much and is a bit distant from the rest of the poem. I personally would scrap the line.

-Clay

[RiverNotch]

You fall asleep in her arms, but never in mine
You tell her how you feel, but to me you're always fine
For a while I could not accept your denial of my importance in your life Way too long, way too abstract, and the rhythm is a clean break from everything else. This line runs like prose, not poetry.
But I was the one who was wrong to begin with The lack of punctuation becomes obvious here. There's no clear continuance between everything, so this loss seems ill-reasoned, and thus detracting. Remember your dots.
I believed there was something between us
Something that I've only ever caught a glimpse of "That" spoils the rhythm, or perhaps the whole line's rhythm is itself spoiled. On rhythm: you have something close here to iambic. Since you're talking about something rather soft yet passionate, to go entirely with iambs would be best, I suggest.
And I had hope for us
I had hoped we would grow, together as people The comma is unneeded.
Wrong was I, wrong was I I agree with an earlier critique here. The inversions here are very out of place. 
Not that you are not fit for me 
But I am not fit for you  The break in the rhythm in these two lines feels appropriate, because of the intensification of thought, but the break would be stronger if you went all out iambic earlier.
Only because I am not fit for anyone
As a heart that's never been whole can never truly love The sparseness here begins to border on blandness. We get it, you feel sad and empty, but you don't really show anything with it. [I keep returning to the same examples here, but I suppose my reading's not as wide as it could be yet when it comes to number of authors, and this woman's work really is one of the best examples in the business, but] stuff from Louise Gluck that deals with this sort of stuff has the capacity to echo the same level of emptiness either with novelty (good), with actual thought [behind the emptiness] (better), or with actual meaning [so too behind] (best: as in, one cannot know light without the darkness, one cannot know matter without space). 
But I do not feel sad to see you with anyone else And here, the line is crossed.
I do not feel sad
I do not feel anything at all 
I am empty
Overall, trite. You have a good sense of rhythm, though: if you're a good orator, a fair bit of tweaking, and this'd be good for a slam. Good, but not great: again, trite, empty in a stupid way.

[billy]

great first post, that said as a poem it needs a fair bit of working on.
some pointer's:

think twice before starting sentences with But
while the first line would have made a good title, it starts off with a common phrase, [cliche]; steer clear of cliches.
in general don't take 10 words to say 4 or 5
this
But I was the one who was wrong to begin with
to this
i was wrong
but both read as weak lines.
pare away or edit anything that feels run of the mill. make it as original as you can.
and don't be disheartened by the feedback, it's mostly there to help.

You fall asleep in her arms, but never in mine
You tell her how you feel, but to me you're always fine
For a while I could not accept your denial of my importance in your life
But I was the one who was wrong to begin with
I believed there was something between us
Something that I've only ever caught a glimpse of
And I had hope for us
I had hoped we would grow, together as people
Wrong was I, wrong was I
Not that you are not fit for me
But I am not fit for you 
Only because I am not fit for anyone
As a heart that's never been whole can never truly love
But I do not feel sad to see you with anyone else
I do not feel sad
I do not feel anything at all 
I am empty

[sweets]

You fall asleep in her arms, but never in mine
You tell her how you feel, but to me you're always fine
For a while I could not accept your denial of my importance in your life
But I was the one who was wrong to begin with
I believed there was something between us
Something that I've only ever caught a glimpse of
And I had hope for us
I had hoped we would grow, together as people
Wrong was I, wrong was I
Not that you are not fit for me
But I am not fit for you 
Only because I am not fit for anyone (this sentence throws me off because it does not flow with being fit for him)
As a heart that's never been whole can never truly love
But I do not feel sad to see you with anyone else
I do not feel sad
I do not feel anything at all 
I am empty(nice ending with the last 3 lines)

[AshleighWood]

Is the poem about two (three!) lovers or about two parents and a child?

Lines 2+3 really made me think of this as a parent wishing to have a better relationship with their child and feeling jealous of their spouse.

"You tell her how you feel, but to me you're always fine
For a while I could not accept your denial of my importance in your life"

For me this was quite powerful. The "always fine" rebuff was very poignant.

The last part of the poem ("to see you with anyone else") makes it sound more like the two lovers theme, which was a bit less powerful for me. The tone of the line "Only because I am not fit for anyone" feels a bit off. There's some anger or sarcasm in there which is not reflected elsewhere. 

I did like both readings of the poem, but I secretly hope its about a parent and child!

[phil194]

Hey! I liked how clearly this poem was written. I loved the first two lines; they start the poem with a nice flow. It was artistic without throwing me into an interpretive whirlwind of confusion, haha. Though I did kind of like the winding down of syllables from top to bottom, I found the third line to be cumbersome compared to the rest. In the sixth line, I think it would flow a little better if the "only ever" was reduced to just "only." Also, when it comes to lines 11-13, I think the line "Only because I am not..." is not the best way you can describe what the speaker is feeling compared to what comes directly before and directly after.