Susan's Fall

[ellajam]

petals dropped
black eyes a bouquet
of bumblebees

[Tiger the Lion]

petals dropped
black eyes a bouquet
of bumblebees

Bumblebees is such a great word. I like that the b's start in L2. Cool buzz. 

[Keith]

petals dropped
black eyes a bouquet
of bumblebees

This is great Ella, keep coming back to see something different each time, and so much to see. What I like is the structure allows the reader a couple of options and the image shifts with the text. Great stuff, Keith

[ellajam]

Thanks for reading and commenting, guys. I've been looking at them and loving them the last few weeks.

[RiverNotch]

Each image, each main thought, is both so integrated and so separated from each other that there could be about twenty very different readings with this -- all good. The stand out for me is the cut between the middle line. Something really dark, really anti-love, about the idea of petals dropping / black eyes, then a really nice, lively contrast between that and a bouquet / of bumblebees. But again, the turn could be shifted, and the way the turn shifts between readings suggests something very, well, piercing about the nature of the reader. The one weakness here I feel is the title, or rather the presence of it: it feels like a definite advertisement one specific set of readings for the poem. But really, it's not much. Love this!

[ellajam]

Each image, each main thought, is both so integrated and so separated from each other that there could be about twenty very different readings with this -- all good. The stand out for me is the cut between the middle line. Something really dark, really anti-love, about the idea of petals dropping / black eyes, then a really nice, lively contrast between that and a bouquet / of bumblebees. But again, the turn could be shifted, and the way the turn shifts between readings suggests something very, well, piercing about the nature of the reader. The one weakness here I feel is the title, or rather the presence of it: it feels like a definite advertisement one specific set of readings for the poem. But really, it's not much. Love this!

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment, and for your interesting thought about the title. I thought I might need to mention Susan for it to work, a cheat . I would like to say I'll rethink it but it's hard for me get the feel of coming at the poem without it, it's stuck in my head. Maybe with a little time I'll see be able to it clearer.

edit: There, changed, I think this one is much better, can shift around. Thanks so much, River.