Purgatory

[joesammsington]

I step onto a ferry, looking towards a horizon of white
and the brilliant radiance sets the night alight
But suddenly, a list of names is read out
My name is called, and I am thrashed about
Hit on the head, and thrown overboard
By none other than Christ, Our Lord.
-So to make a long story short, I am trying to describe the catholic view of the journey from earth to heaven. Those with undaunted souls take the ferry across, those with unconfessed venial sins are instead thrown overboard by Christ and forced to swim across the sea of purgatory to heaven. I don't know. It sounded like a good idea for a poem. I'm not quite done, and was just looking for some feedback. Thanks!

[fluorescent.43]

catholic or not, this entire poem is the same cliché. how many poems have i seen about taking a swim over to hell?--countless. i'd suggest singling out a person (going to heaven or not) and describe their journey (life and death) in detail. instead of a brief-and-poorly-written summation of the bible, you'd have a more original piece to work with.

I step onto a ferry, looking towards a horizon of white[.]  --here, you're just twisting around the words to get a rhyme.
and the brilliant radiance sets the night alight and
But suddenly, a list of names is read out massive cliché alert. also, 'list of names' could be mistaken for santa claus's list of names. detail, more detail.
My name is called, and I am thrashed about by what? heavenly forces?
Hit on the head and thrown overboard into what?
By none other than Christ, Our Lord. well... of course... who else would it be?
-So to make a long story short, I am trying to describe the catholic view of the journey from earth to heaven. Those with undaunted souls take the ferry across, those with unconfessed venial sins are instead thrown overboard by Christ and forced to swim across the sea of purgatory to heaven. I don't know. It sounded like a good idea for a poem. I'm not quite done, and was just looking for some feedback. Thanks!

sorry i gave quite the bashing. i think you could turn this into something good; you just need to rethink your approach. the catholic point-of-view or whatever is so common that it's cliché-- references are strewn all over the place, even in non-religious/non-hell/non-whatever poems.

hopefully i gave you some food for thought. good luck if you intend to make an edit!

43.

[tectak]

I step onto a ferry, looking towards a horizon of white
and the brilliant radiance sets the night alight
But suddenly, a list of names is read out
My name is called, and I am thrashed about
Hit on the head, and thrown overboard
By none other than Christ, Our Lord.
-So to make a long story short, I am trying to describe the catholic view of the journey from earth to heaven. Those with undaunted souls take the ferry across, those with unconfessed venial sins are instead thrown overboard by Christ and forced to swim across the sea of purgatory to heaven. I don't know. It sounded like a good idea for a poem. I'm not quite done, and was just looking for some feedback. Thanks!

Hi joes,
as this is in novice I think it fitting to pass on some advice I was given many years ago...write about what you are right about but read about what you're not.
Sooner or later the two will become inseperable. Depends on the latter more than the former.
Oh, and don't assume your lord is my lord....reading may change your views (or not) but at least you won't imply that Christ is so easily confused with another chap of the same name that you need to define which one you are talking about...you know, the lord one.
Best,
tectak

[jytreberg]

I think this needs more! I would love to see the journey of the person in this poem. Describe what they are seeing as they cross the river. I would also consider changing the title. By using the title 'Purgatory' people are immediately brought in with certain preconceived notions based on their own faith and past. I would almost keep this as a more mysterious beginning. If I didn't know the title and read the first two lines, I don't think I would immediately make the connection with hell. I don't know off hand what you would title it (been racking my mind as I write this) but stay away from Purgatory as the title to create a little more mystery.

Also, in terms of the explanation following the poem, my feeling is that if you have to explain it after readers finish the poem, then the poem is not strong enough to stand on its own. The poem should be able to speak for itself and not need an explanation.

Hope these comments help and good luck!

I step onto a ferry, looking towards a horizon of white
and the brilliant radiance sets the night alight
But suddenly, a list of names is read out Don't throw this opportunity away so quickly, there is a ton of potential here where you can add detail. Like flourescent.43 said, there is a lot of cliche potential here and in order to avoid this, give more specific detail.
My name is called, and I am thrashed about
Hit on the head, and thrown overboard
By none other than Christ, Our Lord.
-So to make a long story short, I am trying to describe the catholic view of the journey from earth to heaven. Those with undaunted souls take the ferry across, those with unconfessed venial sins are instead thrown overboard by Christ and forced to swim across the sea of purgatory to heaven. I don't know. It sounded like a good idea for a poem. I'm not quite done, and was just looking for some feedback. Thanks!

[ThePen]

I step onto a ferry, looking towards a horizon of white
and the brilliant radiance sets the night alight
But suddenly, a list of names is read out
My name is called, and I am thrashed about
Hit on the head, and thrown overboard
By none other than Christ, Our Lord.
-So to make a long story short, I am trying to describe the catholic view of the journey from earth to heaven. Those with undaunted souls take the ferry across, those with unconfessed venial sins are instead thrown overboard by Christ and forced to swim across the sea of purgatory to heaven. I don't know. It sounded like a good idea for a poem. I'm not quite done, and was just looking for some feedback. Thanks!

Your poem could do with some additional work. I appreciate that you try to rhyme. I also think that one verse "and the brilliant radiance sets the night alight" is out of place. I do not see how there is night in heaven. I also do not appreciate the phrase "Hit on the head". I think it could be improved and seems ambiguous.

I think that you can do better.

[Magpie]

Hi,

Although I do think that the whole concept of 'purgatory' could make excellent material for a poem I think you need to be very careful in how you portray it. At one point in time it was believed by catholics that purgatory was an actual place whereas now it is commonly believed to be metaphorical. At no point though did the catholics ever perceive purgatory as a place where a ferry took you there, I think that you may have this mixed up with the Greek myth of Hades. However the fact that it is metaphorical is a great starting point for a poem about purgatory because it now can be anything, 'a trip to the dentist', 'a season ticket for Sunderland AFC' the possibilities are endless and for one I hope you do decide to rewrite this because the world needs a good alternative purgatory poem.

Cheers,

Mark 

[RiverNotch]

On the punctuation: this doesn't sound like anything done in the newer traditions, so I'm just going to assume you didn't punctuate this right because you forgot. That is, all of this isn't one sentence.

I step onto a ferry, looking towards a horizon of white,
and the brilliant radiance sets the night alight.
But suddenly, a list of names is read out: The added colon is just my currently typical style. This could also be an exclamation point, a period, a semicolon, or the especially classic em-dash, all which denote (or connote, but in poetry, it's starting to seem to me, there is only denotation) very different things. In fact, leaving this without such an end also denotes something too: either you're a modern writer, a forgetful writer, or a non-native writer.
my name is called, and I am thrashed about,
hit on the head, and thrown overboard
by none other than Christ, Our Lord. Why the capitals on "hit", "my", and "by"? I suppose "my" could be so capitalized if you decided your identity was so important, but since you didn't capitalize "and" in the second line, I'm supposing editorial mistake? But on which one/s? I hear that the capitalization of lines is an editorial convention and nothing more, and with the advent of better printing systems, it's one being done away with now, to make the poems easier reads, but I suppose you could have done that to make your poem feel, I don't know, older: but really, it's up to you, as long as you're sure what you think it communicates it does communicate.

-So to make a long story short, I am trying to describe the catholic view of the journey from earth to heaven. Those with undaunted souls take the ferry across, those with unconfessed venial sins are instead thrown overboard by Christ and forced to swim across the sea of purgatory to heaven. I don't know. It sounded like a good idea for a poem. I'm not quite done, and was just looking for some feedback. Thanks!
General point: I assume that that Catholic view of the journey from earth to heaven is a metaphor for something more tangible -- regardless of my rather Gnostic views on the metaphysics of our common faith, I'm pretty sure your view of purgatory in actuality is more in line with Dante's Purgatorio than, well, that. So I do think it's rather weird that your poem is essentially a very slight expansion on that one metaphor, rather than a novel elaboration (that is, you took that one metaphor, and added your own views and your own ideas and your own feelings onto it) or an elaborate parallel (that is, you took that one idea, and made an entirely different metaphor of your own based on it) on its whole idea. That, I think, is why most folks here, myself, seem to think this is a rather ignoble piece of work -- you didn't really make anything new, or if you don't believe in that newness crap, then you didn't make it feel new.

[musesbydaylight]

I step onto a ferry, looking towards a horizon of white
and the brilliant radiance sets the night alight
But suddenly, a list of names is read out
My name is called, and I am thrashed about
Hit on the head, and thrown overboard
By none other than Christ, Our Lord.
-So to make a long story short, I am trying to describe the catholic view of the journey from earth to heaven. Those with undaunted souls take the ferry across, those with unconfessed venial sins are instead thrown overboard by Christ and forced to swim across the sea of purgatory to heaven. I don't know. It sounded like a good idea for a poem. I'm not quite done, and was just looking for some feedback. Thanks!

I have a problem from the get go. I wouldn't say the entire idea of Heaven and Hell and Purgatory is entirely fresh. I mean we have video games dealing with Christian mythology now (Dante's Inferno).  You need a drastically different approach to not seem played out. And I'm afraid that isn't what I'm seeing here.

Now the poem itself. I would question the horizon being white when it is supposed to be night. 

Also "thrashed about" sounds comical and is obviously done to force a rhyme with "out".


Other than that I have little to add.

Best of luck with your writing!!

[H[a/o]llowheart]

I think the idea of purgatory and an afterlife in general is a powerful, near-limitless bastion of creative art, despite its cliches. However, your poem is scant on detail and unique ideas, as has been stated by those above me. It's a dry, basic retelling of events, and not so much an emotional or enlightening journey. Perhaps focus more on the thoughts and ideas the main character is experiencing as he travels through the world beyond.

Also, it's strange how you say that you're "thrashed about", and THEN "hit on the head" and "thrown overboard." Thrashed about by who? The same person who hit you on the head? Why in that order? It's vague, and doesn't naturally lend itself to a mental image.

It definitely has plenty of room to grow. Good luck!