Silence

[QDeathstar]

A creaking creeping shadow
stiff against the freezing fog
glares at a tickless watch.

Time has failed him -- all things shall pass.

[michael the tenant]

Please let me just say this is my first review and I am nervous as hell to not sound rude just objective.



I enjoy the words that describe motion, even a little hindered.  "creaking and creeping" like the shadow would move but is frozen stiff.  As for line four it leaves me with a lack of information as to why time has failed him.  Still the end is contemplative and final. The beginning feels created and the end is built, I would like to have a broader view of the subject in the body of the poem.  

Thanks for letting me give my input

[bena]

Mr Q

Disagreement with the previous crit as to needing more information; it is all there and this is brilliant minimalism. It's obvious to me that the line "time has failed him" is a double layered statement--his watch has failed (tickless and the title) and time, as he's growing older has failed him as well, contemplating like most do near the end of life all the what could have been had he more time.

The only thing I might change, if I were the author, is the arrangement of the last line and that's just purely artistic aesthetic. I would make it two sentences and avoid the em dash. But if you do choose to leave it as one line, you need to make "all" lower case.

Cheers love,

mel.

[reppindetroit]

Simplicity is sometimes best--in this case you nailed it on the head. I wouldn't change a thing about it. I do agree with bena, however. Perhaps you should ditch the dash and separate the last line into two separate sentences. Add some impact for the very last line, which I think is my favorite in this little work of art. However, I can see why you would keep the dash too, for it has some effect in that sense as well. It's your choice!

Excellent job!

[Rose Lanabell Cat Ear]

I thought the alliteration ("creaking creeping," "freezing fog") was a little out of place and too obvious.
Perhaps try working with more subtle sounds, especially in a poem so short. Because it is so short, every word really stands out and there is more weight on the alliteration than if it were placed in the middle of a long stanza...I hope that makes sense.
Otherwise, I really liked the simplicity of your poem. I liked the length and how you broke it up into two very different stanzas. The "tickless watch" was a very cool idea, the idea of time not making a sound, the idea of the shadow not being able to perceive time and it's movement although he is controlled by time. The choice to say he "glares" at the watch is great, it shows his distaste for time.

[DivineMsEmm]

Hello!
I think this piece is complete without that last line. Three lines, 14 words, ending with a "tickless watch" - brilliant.
I am a huge fan of short poems, because every word is a strategic choice and must be essential to get the point across.

The alliteration and assonance, along with the internal slant rhyme is just eerie -
CREE CREE
ST FF FF FF
GL S CKSS TCH...

It sounds like something trying to escape - just beautiful music here.
Very well done.

A creaking creeping shadow
stiff against the freezing fog
glares at a tickless watch.

Time has failed him -- all things shall pass.

[QDeathstar]

Thank you for all your comments. A number of you have questioned the last line... I just wanted to say that I wanted the last like to read different and unmetered, after time.

[bena]

Thank you for all your comments. A number of you have questioned the last line... I just wanted to say that I wanted the last like to read different and unmetered, after time.

Wonder if you can do with spacing?

Time has failed him--
                all things shall pass.

just a thought. 

[clairethaoduong]

First thing to say is "Congratulations!!!". Great poem with the subtle juxtaposition between the title and the intensive use of onomatopeia! I personally really like the rhythm of the poem, especially "tickless", because it means "stationery" but at the same time conveys great resonance Not to mention brilliant consonance throughout the poem. I opine that maybe an endstop after the title ("Silence.") would be a great idea! but yeah, great poem to read