T-Bone (2.0)

[hopefularahant]

Edit 2.0

Bodies broken. Bright red
sharpened sirens grating on
head in hands, atop the hood.
Strewn cement
taunts teary eyes,
And white knuckles.

Original

Bodies broken. Bright red
sharpened sirens grating on
head in hands. Atop the hood,
assembly strewn cement
taunts white-knuckles
tearfully.

[ellajam]

Ouch. I'm still trying to get assembly, and I'm not sure about tearfully, but ouch.

[tectak]

Bodies broken. Bright red
sharpened sirens grating on
head in hands. Atop the hood,
assembly strewn cement
taunts white-knuckles
tearfully.

Hi hopeful,
Post earthquake? If so, why so obscure. As a general observation, poetic imagery is improved by clarity ( it is a reciprocated arrangement) and made worse by obscurity. Of course, the false universality of the obscure poem (I like to let the reader interpret my work however blah....blah....blah) is only ever exceeded by the inability of both reader and writer to communicate in any meaningful ( the mot juste) way. That's how it is.
In this piece there is portraiture. The singularity is excellent. Where it fails is in consistency of detail...as if the original artist went for a piss and somebody else took over, daubing on the canvas out of spite. The analogy works because the daubing is words...call them brushstrokes. I think an impostor daubed atop, assembly and tearfully.
Best,
tectak.
( If it is not about the recent tragic events in Nepal...well, it is your fault I thought it was.)

[rayheinrich]

Bodies broken. Bright red
sharpened sirens grating on
head in hands. Atop the hood,
assembly strewn cement
taunts white-knuckles
tearfully.

Hi hopeful,
Post earthquake? If so, why so obscure. As a general observation, poetic imagery is improved  by clarity ( it is a reciprocated arrangement) and made worse by obscurity. Of course, the false universality of the obscure poem (I like to let the reader interpret my work  however  blah....blah....blah) is only ever exceeded by the inability of both reader and writer to communicate in any meaningful ( the mot juste) way. That's how it is.
In this piece there is portraiture. The singularity is excellent. Where it fails is in consistency of detail...as if the original artist went for a piss and somebody else took over, daubing on the canvas out of spite.  The analogy works because the daubing is words...call them brushstrokes. I think an impostor daubed atop, assembly and tearfully.
Best,
tectak.
( If it is not about the recent tragic events in Nepal...well, it is your fault I thought it was.)

hopefularahant:
I just wanted to tell you that tectak's opinion above is one of many. I happen to disagree with
many of his premises. This is to be expected with any art form. One of the things that makes art
interesting is the wide range of its interpretation.

'Obscurity' is not simple, it's composed of many parts. There is no 'false universality' because there
is no 'universality'. There can be no 'universal' poem because there is no 'universal' audience.
I try to write poems that let readers share in the creation; the ones he's skeptical of.

These poems require a creative reader who likes to construct her/his part of the poem. Some people
like red cars and some like blue. Some people like puzzles and some do not. The ambiguity required
for a shared poem is NOT about throwing a bunch of random words on the page. It IS about carefully
crafting a framework of possibilities.

ray

[milo]

It is a car accident as explained in the title.

[hopefularahant]

First of all, thanks to everyone for replying and taking the time to read my poetry!  As happens with writing, i had no idea that this would prompt the replies it did.  Thanks again for reading!

Now, just to clarify, the poem is about a car crash. (The title is T-Bone, "atop the (car) hood", "sirens").  Assembly was simply meant to mean the parts of a car.  Though I realize now that while it was perfectly clear to me, seeing as i wrote it about something i witnessed, i was the only person who saw it.  None of the readers were there with me, so i shouldnt have expected everyone to understand.

That being said, i didnt purposefully write this to be obscure, or because i get off on making people understand me and making my readers dig deeply into my "endlessly artistic mind".  I write when i witness things i need to get off my mind, or i need to clear the air or take things off my chest, and i see how that can be conducive to some confusion.  I post the poems more for s--ts and giggles more than anything else.  

Thanks for reading!

[rayheinrich]

First of all, thanks to everyone for replying and taking the time to read my poetry!  As happens with writing, i had no idea that this would prompt the replies it did.  Thanks again for reading!

Now, just to clarify, the poem is about a car crash. (The title is T-Bone, "atop the (car) hood", "sirens").  Assembly was simply meant to mean the parts of a car.  Though I realize now that while it was perfectly clear to me, seeing as i wrote it about something i witnessed, i was the only person who saw it.  None of the readers were there with me, so i shouldnt have expected everyone to understand.

That being said, i didnt purposefully write this to be obscure, or because i get off on making people understand me and making my readers dig deeply into my "endlessly artistic mind".  I write when i witness things i need to get off my mind, or i need to clear the air or take things off my chest, and i see how that can be conducive to some confusion.  I post the poems more for s--ts and giggles more than anything else.  
Thanks for reading!

I would like to apologize to you for using the space for criticisms of
your poem for expressing my disagreements with tectak. There's a 'Poetry Discussion'
forum for this. While tectak is taking the time to help writers by providing excellent
criticism (our views are actually quite similar), I'm usually rattling around having fun.

"Though I realize now that while it was perfectly clear to me..."

It's difficult for every writer to figure out what parts of the poem were
left in thier head and didn't make it to the paper. I try very hard to get
it all to the paper, but my brain is VERY good at filling in the blanks (that's
what it has evolved to do).

Two ways counteract this:
1. Have someone else read it and tell you what they saw.
2. Write the poem down, then let it sit for a day ( a week is even better).
When you come back to it, your brain has forgotten about 90% of the stuff
it filled in and you can see where the gaps are. (Good writing takes time.)

About your poem:

Bodies broken. Bright red
sharpened sirens grating on
head in hands. <- this part is excellent, the compression, confusion conveys
what being in an accident feels like.

Atop the hood,                <-There is no need for 'assembly', as has been mentioned.
strewn cement                   "atop the hood' says all that's necessary.
taunts white-knuckles   <- you've used physical description so well in this poem
                                "taunts" suddenly changes from physical description to interaction, to opinion. Its jarring
                                in the wrong sort of way. Stay with physical description. Emotions can be denoted
                                by images "head in hands" for instance.
tearfully. <-another break with the physical, again jarring, out of place
you could substitute more description, though actually the poem would work well
by just leaving 'taunts' and 'tearfully' out

ray