Friend or foe
Don't you know
Love is weird
Typically feared
Take my call
IM giving you my all
You are the one
The one for me
Can't you see
What we have
Is so much fun
There's never enough
Enough of the sun
Times always on the run
Its always tough
Never understood why
Why its so rough
Whenever we say goodbye
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Threads: 6
Joined: Feb 2015
(03-04-2015, 12:57 AM)SameName Wrote: Friend or foe
Don't you know
Love is weird
Typically feared
Take my call
IM giving you my all
You are the one
The one for me
Can't you see
What we have
Is so much fun
There's never enough
Enough of the sun
Times always on the run
Its always tough
Never understood why
Why its so rough
Whenever we say goodbye
Hey same name. I feel like your poem here is attempting to bring across far too many ideas in one short poem. And the title freind or foe seems to have no bearing on the subject matter of the poem. The topic or point the words are trying to get across changes every few lines. Also, your lines have nothing governing length, and the shortness of all of them kind of ruins the over all rythim, the breaks seem to have no meaning other than to accomodate the rhymes. Theres alot of fluff, though i feel you could cut some out and add some heightened language and poetic meter and verse, and youll have a good poem here!
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Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2015
(03-04-2015, 12:57 AM)SameName Wrote: Friend or foe
Don't you know
Love is weird
Typically feared
Take my call
IM giving you my all
You are the one
The one for me
Can't you see
What we have
Is so much fun
There's never enough
Enough of the sun
Times always on the run
Its always tough
Never understood why
Why its so rough
Whenever we say goodbye
Inconsistency is the enemy of rhythm (generally speaking of course) the first half of the poem is all about the rhymes, whereas the second half is just every so often. I can understand the underlying content, but I'm not seeing a clear image of what you're trying to say. What I think you need to do is tell us how, theres quite a few places you might want to add some metaphors or similes. Most lines leaves themselves open to one. The shortened lines is a foe of the poem and some detail could be it's friend (see what I did there?) - If you're unsure, just think about what you can compare something to to make it clearer. "Love is typically feared" - what else is feared? If someone doesn't fear love as you do, how could you compare it to something so they understand how you feel?
What I'd recommend doing is rewrite it, either handwritten or on the computer. Rather than editing the original, have it open next to you, and write it again using what people will have recommended by then, and as I say to everyone, try reading it out loud!
Will be looking forward to a revision.
Thanks for all the advise, I really appreciate it and ill rewrite it and see what you think after!
Posts: 23
Threads: 4
Joined: Mar 2015
Hi SameName,
I fully agree with the thoughts of the others. To add something as well - I think we all face some challenge in trying not to obscure our underlying message through verbosity. I like what you are going for with the short punchy lines, however I feel that you should make sure that you truly feel each line is adding something to your story, and something that has not already been added. For example, the lines "There's never enough", "It's always tough", and "Why it's so rough" seem to convey a very similar feel which I think dilutes the feeling you want the reader to have. Additionally the second like "don't you know" seems a bit forced, unless you are trying to express something I am not quite getting.
Overall, really make sure each line is telling its own part of your message. Try to pack more layers into each phrase so as not to repeat later on. I love where you are going with the short, punchy, lovey poem. Good luck!
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Threads: 2
Joined: Mar 2015
You seem to say the same thing in a couple of your lines making it a bit redundant so I would start by cleaning those up a bit even if it interferes with some of the rhythm you want to create: "You are the one, the one for me". You are writing about some pretty universal sentiments regarding love so try to express them in a way that nobody ever has before by using some metaphors or similes to show the extent of your love, fear, frustration at the toughness of love, etc. I feel like you would be well served to narrow down your focus because you seem to express a few different ideas which makes it difficult to find the exact point you are making with this poem other than love is hard. How does "friend or foe" tie into the overall theme of the poem? Is love itself the friend/foe, if so that could be clearer. Also, you have lots of opportunities to be more descriptive: Line 3 - How is love weird? Line 6 - what is your all and how does that affect you? Line 7 - Why is she/he the one for you? Line 8 & 9 - What is special about what you have compared to other lovers? Etc.
Also, you seem to start with an AABB rhyme scheme only to abandon it at line 7 then go back and forth between it and free verse for the remainder, so try to lock your structure down, even if it means rewriting a few lines to work out a consistent and expand (add color) on your thoughts/feelings.
Thanks for sharing!
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Threads: 1,075
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hi samename.
it reads like an extended cliche. as jmusic points out, there's a lot of universal sentiments in play and they also stop the poem being original. in fact i can only reiterate all jmusic said. a suggestion is to use some connective tissue along with as much originality as you can muster.
Posts: 6
Threads: 2
Joined: Mar 2015
Friend or foe
Don't you know
Love is weird
Typically feared
Take my call
IM giving you my all
You are the one
The one for me
Can't you see
What we have
Is so much fun
There's never enough
Enough of the sun
Times always on the run
Its always tough
Never understood why
Why its so rough
Whenever we say goodbye
Hey!
I feel like you put way too much effort in making lines rhyme
by that I mean that you change the aim of your poem just to get a nice rhyme out of this! (ll. 3-6)
I believe that this poem could be a lot better if you cut out a few lines like 10&11 13&14
these lines do not add to your poems message and seem like some sort of a puffer
Thanks for sharing!
Ryan_Toscano204
Unregistered
I really love this idea you have going on here about how similar a friend and an enemy can be. It's an interesting angle to tackle. I don't really love your title. Friend or Foe seems a bit cliche. Your poem also has a sing-songy feel. The end rhymes coupled with meter make it sound more like a children's rhyme and less like a poem. It is also very direct. In which case I have an idea that can help. I think metaphor can work really well here. Set your narrative up as something a bit wild. Like literally the wild. Because if we are being honest friendships and enemies can often feel like a jungle. Just very cutthroat. Potentially push the metaphor with animals that help each other in the wild, but are also in constant competition for food. A metaphor like this can be pushed even further, and there's definitely a lot of ways that you can change it up to get across the same thing. The idea I think would be to take your premise of "Friend or Foe" and give that idea a story. Suddenly that makes your title a lot less cliche because you're not directly addressing the idea of friend or foe throughout the poem. So the title paints everything in its proper perspective. That coupled with taking out the sing-songy nature, and I think you will have something truly beautiful. Great premise and go you for tackling such an interesting topic.
