Forever at Half-Mast (experimental sonnet rhyme scheme included)

[alatos]

Thanks so much for all the suggestions! Here's my first edit:

I think I am a flag, forever at
half-mast, and drooping in a windless dusk,
hung scarcely twitching like a crumpled husk
when corn-worms, swollen, slow, and waxy-fat
creep out of their exhausted habitat,
to unfurl on their journey to the sky.
A flag whose destiny's to never fly,
but watch the sun go down below the flat,
unending earth, and tremble at my doom-
the hopeless night, and then be lowered down…
and folded up, and placed into my tomb:
an unmarked box, kept in an empty room,
an unremembered shelf, an unknown town,
and leave a naked rod stuck in the ground.


Original:
I think I am a flag, forever at
half-mast, and hanging in a windless dusk,
then sometimes twitching like a crumpled husk
when corn-worms, swollen, slow, and waxy-fat
creep out of their exhausted habitat,
and set out on their journey to the sky.
But I, a flag that’s doomed to never fly,
but watch the sun go down below the flat,
unending earth, and tremble at my doom-
the hopeless night, and then be lowered down…
and folded up, and placed into my tomb:
an unmarked box, kept in an empty room,
an unremembered shelf, an unknown town,
and leave a naked rod stuck in the ground.
 

[tectak]

I think I am a flag, forever at
half-mast, and hanging in a windless dusk,
then sometimes twitching like a crumpled huskdead yet set twitching like a crumpled husk....your poem. It is the "then" I want to rid the line of. The half-mast and death might work.
when corn-worms, swollen, slow, and waxy-fat
creep out of their exhausted habitat, This is just inspirational imagery. Envy
and set out on their journey to the sky. "...to set out on their journey..." is more determined.
But I, a flag that’s doomed to never fly,
but watch the sun go down below the flat, But me no buts...there are no contras to excuse so buts are not necessary. The syntax is deceptively wrong. You have "But I, xxxxxx, but watch" You can rewrite this line though a suggestion might help.
" I feel impaled, a flag that cannot fly;
destined to watch the sun slide 'neath the flat,". Why impaled? Because you are going to use "doomed" again, very soon . Wait for the furore because of "'neath". Do not listen. It is an English word in common use
unending earth and tremble at my doom- again with the conjunctions...and, and....avoid the repetition induced by list-form verse. Suggest period use, thus.
" unending earth. I tremble at my doom
this hopeless night; to then be lowered down..." No more. You get the idea and you can do better than me.
the hopeless night, and then be lowered down…
and folded up, and placed into my tomb:
an unmarked box, kept in an empty room,
an unremembered shelf, an unknown town,
and leave a naked rod stuck in the ground. just perfect
 

Hi alatos,
Well done for this. I am very glad I read it....if you want this moving, at any time, to Serious Workshopping, just say the word. The core metaphor hangs well and the pros and cons of the anthropomorphis shows thinking took place There are areas where litter has been left but overall it is tidy. I'm not sure about the hyperbole...doomed and trembled...but can offer little else which would keep the faith. Extra words are the litter I am talking about but keeping strict meter, commendable, can make this difficult but NOT impossible to avoid. To be honest, what else, you DO seem to be syllable-counting and so I find emphases are often squidgy.
So only a few in-text comments....I hope they help. Oh, why the drop after the L1? Accident? If not, what point?
Best,
tectak

[alatos]

I think I am a flag, forever at
half-mast, and hanging in a windless dusk,
then sometimes twitching like a crumpled huskdead yet set twitching like a crumpled husk....your poem. It is the "then" I want to rid the line of. The half-mast and death might work.
when corn-worms, swollen, slow, and waxy-fat
creep out of their exhausted habitat, This is just inspirational imagery. Envy
and set out on their journey to the sky. "...to set out on their journey..." is more determined.
But I, a flag that’s doomed to never fly,
but watch the sun go down below the flat, But me no buts...there are no contras to excuse so buts are not necessary. The syntax is deceptively wrong. You have "But I, xxxxxx, but watch" You can rewrite this line though a suggestion might help.
" I feel impaled, a flag that cannot fly;
destined to watch the sun slide 'neath the flat,". Why impaled? Because you are going to use "doomed" again, very soon . Wait for the furore because of "'neath". Do not listen. It is an English word in common use
unending earth and tremble at my doom- again with the conjunctions...and, and....avoid the repetition induced by list-form verse. Suggest period use, thus.
" unending earth. I tremble at my doom
this hopeless night; to then be lowered down..." No more. You get the idea and you can do better than me.
the hopeless night, and then be lowered down…
and folded up, and placed into my tomb:
an unmarked box, kept in an empty room,
an unremembered shelf, an unknown town,
and leave a naked rod stuck in the ground. just perfect
 

Hi alatos,
Well done for this. I am very glad I read it....if you want this moving, at any time, to Serious Workshopping, just say the word. The core metaphor hangs well and the pros and cons of the anthropomorphis shows thinking took place There are areas where litter has been left but overall it is tidy. I'm not sure about the hyperbole...doomed and trembled...but can offer little else which would keep the faith. Extra words are the litter I am talking about but keeping strict meter, commendable, can make this difficult but NOT impossible to avoid. To be honest, what else, you DO seem to be syllable-counting and so I find emphases are often squidgy.
So only a few in-text comments....I hope they help. Oh, why the drop after the L1? Accident? If not, what point?
Best,
tectak

Thanks, I edited the original post!

[milo]

Thanks so much for all the suggestions! Here's my first edit:
I think I am a flag, forever at

so, the break on "at" annoys me for several reasons and it may just be pickiness but:
1.  It is considered bad form to break on inconsequential words (articles, preps, etc.) unless trying to draw attention to them.  This doesn't seem to be the case here.
2.  You are attempting to rhyme a non-accented syllable with an accented syllable.  Is it possible to promote "at"?  Possibly, depending on the wrods around it.  Let's see how one would read this:
Forever at half mast
forEV erat HALFMAST
so, the meter ends up being off as well leaving
3.  The line is iambic tetrameter with a hypermetric ending and an odd dactylic sub.

half-mast, and drooping in a windless dusk,
hung scarcely twitching like a crumpled husk
when corn-worms, swollen, slow, and waxy-fat
creep out of their exhausted habitat,
to unfurl on their journey to the sky.

This sentence comparing yourself to a flag is impossibly long and hopelessly convoluted.  A sentence should have a purpose.  This was supposed to explain how you think you are like a flag and ends describing corn worms which in turn only relate to the flag through it being like a husk.  The last three lines here describe corn worms.  What do they have to do with your central metaphor?

A flag whose destiny's to never fly,
but watch the sun go down below the flat,
unending earth, and tremble at my doom-

your circular comparisons have turned in on themselves - by referring to yourself in the third person as a flag you are left as a flag observing your own doom in the third person.

the hopeless night, and then be lowered down…
and folded up, and placed into my tomb:
an unmarked box, kept in an empty room,
an unremembered shelf, an unknown town,
and leave a naked rod stuck in the ground.

I have a particular distaste for ellipses in poetry, especially improperly typed ellipses.  It shouldn't matter but my distaste is shared by most of the poetry loving community to the point that ellipses are used to satirize beginning writers.
I don't really understand how your "doom" could be the hopeless night.  Perhaps your "fate"?  It is difficult to reconcile the hopeless night as "doom".
I think you are missing "on" before unremembered shelf (and why should shelves be remembered?) as otherwise you are saying you are placed "in" a shelf.
Overall, i think it is a nice concept.  The meter is mostly good.  The metaphor is sound.

[BelialNaoe]

The concept is brilliant! Unique, yet easy to comprehend. You don't lose time thinking about it, complex enough to get you thinking, but doesn't slow down the reading. A few of my thoughts are..

"A flag whose destiny's to never fly,"

Personal opinion, I think "destiny is" sounds better than "destiny's". I could be wrong, I'm no world-expert on meter, but from my personal opinion, when reading aloud it felt like there should be an extra syllable.

"and folded up, and placed into my tomb:
an unmarked box, kept in an empty room,
an unremembered shelf, an unknown town,
and leave a naked rod stuck in the ground."

These lines jut out at me a bit. As an overall, they're good, but I feel like there's room to be better. Agreeing with milo, but while a shelf by itself isn't something to, or not to remember, I can think of a shelf that's been forgotten. Too high/out of reach so people stop looking at it.

Apart from that, most of my thoughts have been said already. Very solid idea.

[tectak]

Thanks so much for all the suggestions! Here's my first edit:
I think I am a flag, forever at
half-mast, and drooping in a windless dusk, Again, watch your syntax and sort out the punctuation. You have written "I think I am a flag,XXXXXXX, and drooping in a windless dusk, hung (hang?)scarcely twitching like a crumpled husk when corn-worms, swollen, slow and waxy-fat creep out of their exhausted habitat, to unfurl on their journey to the sky" PHEW!!! Just because it is poetry does NOT mean you can completely do away with grammar. You fix.
hung scarcely twitching like a crumpled husk
when corn-worms, swollen, slow, and waxy-fat
creep out of their exhausted habitat,
to unfurl on their journey to the sky.
A flag whose destiny's to never fly, Risky word(s), destiny's. You may scrape in on meter but it is a tight fit. Again, the emphases are squidgy. All is syllable count and it does no make for easy reading
but watch the sun go down below the flat, You are getting in to a messy phase with your tense. We have "I am"(Present), "hung twitching"(past) and then "but (I will) watch" (arguably a modified imperfect/progressive present. "I watch" is made difficult because of the time-warp caused by "hung twitching")
unending earth, and tremble at my doom-
the hopeless night, and then be lowered down… A mess, indeed. A dash (meaning what, after corn dash worms and waxy dash fat?) followed incongruously by a comma followed by ellipses followed by another comma follwed by a colon, followed by ANOTHER comma and another and another and another! You leave in the "and" words still. Why? They are conjunctions which substitute for commas, yet you include the squiggly marks anyway.Note! Neither colons, commas, semicolons, dashes or enjambment END a sentence...so the last is one helluva sentence. Do not TRY to read this out-loud without oxygen bottles to hand.
and folded up, and placed into my tomb:
an unmarked box, kept in an empty room,
an unremembered shelf, an unknown town,
and leave a naked rod stuck in the ground. I think, you know, what you need, to do, so, I will leave it, up to:you"
Original:
I think I am a flag, forever at
half-mast, and hanging in a windless dusk,
then sometimes twitching like a crumpled husk
when corn-worms, swollen, slow, and waxy-fat
creep out of their exhausted habitat,
and set out on their journey to the sky.
But I, a flag that’s doomed to never fly,
but watch the sun go down below the flat,
unending earth, and tremble at my doom-
the hopeless night, and then be lowered down…
and folded up, and placed into my tomb:
an unmarked box, kept in an empty room,
an unremembered shelf, an unknown town,
and leave a naked rod stuck in the ground.
 

Good start. As leah would say...carry on.READ YOUR WORK OUT LOUD...listen for the crazy pauses, the stumbles and the up-speak where up-speak should not be. Correct accordingly. Most technical issues can be resolved by reading out loud. If you read your work in your head your thought processor corrects the errors but does not report them
Best,
tectak