I Love You More

[Magnum]

the three legged dog scrounging trash cans for a meal in Allentown,
befriends the blind girl with her ragged doll, on her face a permanent frown.
the mother in need of dangerous drugs, to make it through another day,
sells her wasting body to those who seek, these desperate souls who’ve lost their way.
soup kitchens filled with greasy men, who walk the unforgiving streets,
their dreams lay shattered, their clothes all tattered, at night roll up in dirty sheets.
the rich man rolls down the darkened window, of his long black limousine,
and tosses quarters on the ground, and laughs at such a frantic scene,
of children scrambling, fighting, biting, to get their measly share,
to buy some candy at the grocery store, as puzzled people look and stare.
as nightfall comes, the trucks roll in to wash the city streets,
but cannot wash away the sadness here, that every day repeats.
the organ grinder with his monkey spots the blind girl in the park,
and puts a dollar in her hand, as the oriole whistles in the dark.
the mother following close behind, extends her hand, asking for more,
he hands five more dollars, she thanks him, walks away and looks to score,
another bag of crack cocaine, as the little girl starts to cry,
“where is my little dog she asks”, the mother asks her why,
“I want my doggie, it’s my friend, and it loves me the best”,
her mother falls upon her knees, and holds her closely to her chest.
“no darling, it’s me that loves you, loves you so much more”,
together they run hand in hand, as the rain begins to pour.
now in rehab she proudly claims “three years today and I’m still clean”,
happy together now at home, mother, daughter, and the dog they named Aileen’

[poe_enthusiast]

I thought this was very interesting and I liked it a lot. Some of the rhymes towards the end seemed a little forced. I might also have been that a couple of the lines sounded a little awkward. The repeating pronouns in lines threw me off a little as well. Overall, I really liked it!

Whilst you are without doubt trying to provide critique you are getting asymtotically close to a one liner. This is NOT in any sense a warning but simply an observation. Try to be little more specific. It is what you would expect from crit of your own work. Mod

[Grace]

the three legged dog scrounging trash cans for a meal in Allentown,
befriends the blind girl with her ragged doll, on her face a permanent frown.

the mother in need of dangerous drugs, to make it through another day,
sells her wasting body to those who seek, these desperate souls who’ve lost their way.

soup kitchens filled with greasy men, who walk the unforgiving streets,
their dreams lay shattered, their clothes all tattered, at night roll up in dirty sheets.

the rich man rolls down the darkened window, of his long black limousine,
and tosses quarters on the ground, and laughs at such a frantic scene,

of children scrambling, fighting, biting, to get their measly share,
to buy some candy at the grocery store, as puzzled people look and stare.

as nightfall comes, the trucks roll in to wash the city streets,
but cannot wash away the sadness here, that every day repeats.

the organ grinder with his monkey spots the blind girl in the park,
and puts a dollar in her hand, as the oriole whistles in the dark.

the mother following close behind, extends her hand, asking for more,
he pulls out five more dollars, she thanks him, walks away and looks to score,

another bag of crack cocaine, as the little girl starts to cry,
“where is my little dog she asks”, the mother asks her why,

“I want my doggie, he’s my friend, and he loves me the best”,
her mother falls upon her knees, and holds her closely to her chest.

“no darling, it’s me that loves you, loves you so much more”,
together they run hand in hand, as the rain begins to pour.

now in rehab she proudly claims “three years today and I’m still clean”,
happy together now at home, mother, daughter, and the dog they named Aileen’

Love the dog called Aileen! Sorry to point out, but the little girl says "I want my doggie, he's my friend.." So he's a he. There's no reason why a little male dog should not be called Aileen..but it looks a bit like you're looking for a name that rhymes with clean. Maybe you could make Aileen a she. You've got me thinking now, of male dogs names that rhyme..Another thought is to find a name for the dog that references the story in the poem. The picture you paint of the environment the girl grows up in, explains why the love of a pet would be so important..

[Magnum]

Point well taken about "he", thanks. As for the name Aileen, you have to realize the dog only has three legs, so it leans to one side often, therefore Aileen (I Lean).

[Grace]

Point well taken about "he", thanks. As for the name Aileen, you have to realize the dog only has three legs, so it leans to one side often, therefore Aileen (I Lean).

I missed that one, sorry. The name Aileen is well-chosen. The 3-legged dog starts and ends the poem.

[kreichert]

There are a number of wonderful images like "sells her wasting body" and "soup kitchens filled with greasy men." As you look at revision, think of the Economy of Words. John Ruskin put it this way, "Say all you have to say in the fewest possible words, or your reader will be sure to skip them; and in the plainest possible words or he will certainly misunderstand them." If you've ever seen this six word story by Hemingway, you can pack a great deal in a small package. “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” I look forward to seeing your revision.

[hopefularahant]

the three legged dog scrounging trash cans for a meal in Allentown,
befriends the blind girl with her ragged doll, on her face a permanent frown.
the mother in need of dangerous drugs, to make it through another day,
sells her wasting body to those who seek, these desperate souls who’ve lost their way.
soup kitchens filled with greasy men, who walk the unforgiving streets,
their dreams lay shattered, their clothes all tattered, at night roll up in dirty sheets.
the rich man rolls down the darkened window, of his long black limousine,
and tosses quarters on the ground, and laughs at such a frantic scene,
of children scrambling, fighting, biting, to get their measly share,
to buy some candy at the grocery store, as puzzled people look and stare.
as nightfall comes, the trucks roll in to wash the city streets,
but cannot wash away the sadness here, that every day repeats.
the organ grinder with his monkey spots the blind girl in the park,
and puts a dollar in her hand, as the oriole whistles in the dark.
the mother following close behind, extends her hand, asking for more,
he pulls out five more dollars, she thanks him, walks away and looks to score,
another bag of crack cocaine, as the little girl starts to cry,
“where is my little dog she asks”, the mother asks her why,
“I want my doggie, it’s my friend, and it loves me the best”,
her mother falls upon her knees, and holds her closely to her chest.
“no darling, it’s me that loves you, loves you so much more”,
together they run hand in hand, as the rain begins to pour.
now in rehab she proudly claims “three years today and I’m still clean”,
happy together now at home, mother, daughter, and the dog they named Aileen’

An interesting story you tell. Though this poem seems more story or song like than anything else. Everything is plainly stated, theres a noticeable lack of poetic language and devices. Though some phrases show alot of promise. Your lines seem oddly metered, or not metered at all, and so the flow is lost. Also, alot of the rhymes seem forced, or a little awkward. Try adding alot more creative description and heigthened language! That aside, i loved the story of the poem, and its a powerful image indeed.

[tectak]

Point well taken about "he", thanks. As for the name Aileen, you have to realize the dog only has three legs, so it leans to one side often, therefore Aileen (I Lean).

...you should have called him Pet Ard! You sure hoisted a crit Sorry, frivolous but moot. Mod. ( I am now having great difficulty in imagining a three-legged dog cocking one leg without falling over completely. Forget Aileen...call him Eiffel. Enough.