Meddle

[Mark D. Windmill]

Meddle

You and I are as momentaneous as ripples in water

Not knowing where we start

Or we end

Drifting along crossing paths

Where is the line

Between you and I ?

[shemthepenman]

hello

do i smell a pink floyd reference?

anyhow, why the capital letters? it seems fashionable now days.

I think 'where we start/ or WHERE we end' is better.

I appreciate the gaps between lines, representing ripples etc. and it is effective.

the actual poem is a bit limp. It feels like it's all trough and no crest, if you see what I mean. more empty space than something you can get your teeth in.

regardless, thanks for sharing.

[Mark D. Windmill]

hello

do i smell a pink floyd reference?

anyhow, why the capital letters? it seems fashionable now days.

I think 'where we start/ or WHERE we end' is better.

I appreciate the gaps between lines, representing ripples etc. and it is effective.

the actual poem is a bit limp. It feels like it's all trough and no crest, if you see what I mean. more empty space than something you can get your teeth in.

regardless, thanks for sharing.

A floyd reference indeed. My poems are mostly empty space, then again , it what it is meant to point at....not an entertainment for the mind but rather a dwelling that isn't meant to be something that the mind can grasp. I am not a very good writer, poems are just a pointer to a meditative state for me. Thanks a lot for your time mate ...your my first review on this site Smile
p.s. Is this site british , are most people here british?

[shemthepenman]

hello
do i smell a pink floyd reference?
anyhow, why the capital letters? it seems fashionable now days.
I think 'where we start/ or WHERE we end' is better.
I appreciate the gaps between lines, representing ripples etc. and it is effective.
the actual poem is a bit limp. It feels like it's all trough and no crest, if you see what I mean. more empty space than something you can get your teeth in.
regardless, thanks for sharing.

A floyd reference indeed. My poems are mostly empty space, then again , it what it is meant to point at....not an entertainment for the mind but rather a dwelling that isn't meant to be something that the mind can grasp. I am not a very good writer, poems are just a pointer to a meditative state for me. Thanks a lot for your time mate ...your my first review on this site Smile
p.s. Is this site british , are most people here british?

I am british. But, the wonderful members of this site are from all over the place. As long as you keep a sense of humour and don't take anything to heart, you'll be fine.
also, fuck, I didn't realise I gave you your first critique, I would have expanded. The Pink Floyd thing blindsided me, and I had to listen to that album again

ps. maybe think about giving an explicit nod to Pink Floyd in the title or footnote.

[Erthona]

Mark D. Windmill,

To me, this comes off as a New Age cliche. This sort of idea (at least this iteration of it) goes back to the British invasion of the US, which also introduced a superficial eastern spirituality that was mainly reflected in fashion, and dubious partial translations of the Indian Vedic text, especially the Rig Veda's "Bhagavad Gita", and then incorporated into little books of inspiration. Hitting it's peek in the 80's-90's when it became fully commercialized (in the US) and fully integrated with Native American use of sage and ceder, crystals, and various ideas from the Wiccan religion. It is also reminiscent of "Windham Hill Records" and others of the genera...when there were words with their songs.

If the word "momentaneous" is not part of a Pink Floyd song (if it is, or a passage of this is, it should be put in quotes and footnoted, if only paraphrased no quotes are needed but some kind of acknowledgement if it is sufficiently recognizable)  I would have to agree with Michael444's comment, in that the poem was built around the word. It is a fairly obscure word and not in the online dictionary. The word "transient" would seem to do better service here, although somewhat obscure it is easily found in any online dictionary, and "transient" is basically a synonym for "momentaneous." The definition of "momentaneous" is not easily found. I'm sure it must be in the unabridged OED, however that's a little big to carry in one's pocket. If you are intent on keeping the word, I think it would be wise to footnote it at the bottom and give its definition: "adjective: lasting for a markedly brief time". (momentaneous) The problem using such an obscure word is that most readers (who will not go to the trouble of finding the definition) will probably come to one of two erroneous conclusions: they will think it is a misspelling of "momentous" (or similarly sounding word), or that it is a created word from the two words "moment" and "instantaneous". Either way your poem will not convey what you wanted, if it conveys anything at all.      

As shem noted, Why the caps on every line? They are confusing. Unless you mean this as one long sentence, some other punctuation would be prudent.       

You are certainly free to disregard any or all of this, or any other critique, nor do you need to defend your work.

Welcome to the site,

Dale

[Mark D. Windmill]

Mark D. Windmill,

To me, this comes off as a New Age cliche. This sort of idea (at least this iteration of it) goes back to the British invasion of the US, which also introduced a superficial eastern spirituality that was mainly reflected in fashion, and dubious partial translations of the Indian Vedic text, especially the Rig Veda's "Bhagavad Gita", and then incorporated into little books of inspiration. Hitting it's peek in the 80's-90's when it became fully commercialized (in the US) and fully integrated with Native American use of sage and ceder, crystals, and various ideas from the Wiccan religion. It is also reminiscent of "Windham Hill Records" and others of the genera...when there were words with their songs.

If the word "momentaneous" is not part of a Pink Floyd song (if it is, or a passage of this is, it should be put in quotes and footnoted, if only paraphrased no quotes are needed but some kind of acknowledgement if it is sufficiently recognizable)  I would have to agree with Michael444's comment, in that the poem was built around the word. It is a fairly obscure word and not in the online dictionary. The word "transient" would seem to do better service here, although somewhat obscure it is easily found in any online dictionary, and "transient" is basically a synonym for "momentaneous." The definition of "momentaneous" is not easily found. I'm sure it must be in the unabridged OED, however that's a little big to carry in one's pocket. If you are intent on keeping the word, I think it would be wise to footnote it at the bottom and give its definition: "adjective: lasting for a markedly brief time". (momentaneous) The problem using such an obscure word is that most readers (who will not go to the trouble of finding the definition) will probably come to one of two erroneous conclusions: they will think it is a misspelling of "momentous" (or similarly sounding word), or that it is a created word from the two words "moment" and "instantaneous". Either way your poem will not convey what you wanted, if it conveys anything at all.      

As shem noted, Why the caps on every line? They are confusing. Unless you mean this as one long sentence, some other punctuation would be prudent.       

You are certainly free to disregard any or all of this, or any other critique, nor do you need to defend your work.

Welcome to the site,

Dale

Wow! Now that was a review! You sir are quite the scholar ! ...I'm really thinking of revising the caps on every line, my intention was that every sentence was to make the reader dwell in every sentence..to take in what is between the words. Do you see what i mean?
Would you say the caps are a sore on the eye because they are technically not used that way or would the common reader see my intent?
I do not know if i'm expressing myself clearly. Thanks a lot for the review !!

p.s. for yourself and other readers .. I wrote this piece like I write most of what I write, it just came instantaneously without knowing what was the inspiration. I had listened to the album Meddle by pink floyd a lot and on the front cover is droplets of water, which to me is to show that lines are really illusionary when you see from another way.. anywho my point being that none of my words came from their songs but when I realized that clearly my inspiration was the cover, I called the poem Meddle in honor of it had subconsciously given me

[Erthona]

"I'm really thinking of revising the caps on every line, my intention was that every sentence was to make the reader dwell in every sentence..to take in what is between the words. Do you see what i mean?"

I understand what you mean, and I sympathize. I have looked a long time for a way to give weight to words so that they would be read like music without the tone...to no avail. The problem here is that there is a standard interpretation already in place for what capitols mean and when they start a line it means it is the start of a sentence. If you wish to make each line a sentence with a cap at the beginning and a period at the end, followed by a blank line this might work, however, when you use this with everything it means nothing. Only by using it selectively would it have the desired effect. You could also use italics, but if you used them with every line... Generally, either your reader will take time with your poem or they won't, regardless whatever typesetting tricks you try to use. Generally better writing will achieve this goal. Easier said that done, I know, but in poetry as well as any art form there are really no shortcuts. Here is a poem by Rumi that I have read meany times, and that is something I rarely do. It needs no extra spaces, or extra caps, et. al., for me to want to study it. You will notice that each line is a sentence.

“When I am with you, we stay up all night.
When you're not here, I can't go to sleep.
Praise God for those two insomnias!
And the difference between them.”

-Rumi

Thanks for your response,

Dale

[Mark D. Windmill]

"I'm really thinking of revising the caps on every line, my intention was that every sentence was to make the reader dwell in every sentence..to take in what is between the words. Do you see what i mean?"

I understand what you mean, and I sympathize. I have looked a long time for a way to give weight to words so that they would be read like music without the tone...to no avail. The problem here is that there is a standard interpretation already in place for what capitols mean and when they start a line it means it is the start of a sentence. If you wish to make each line a sentence with a cap at the beginning and a period at the end, followed by a blank line this might work, however, when you use this with everything it means nothing. Only by using it selectively would it have the desired effect. You could also use italics, but if you used them with every line... Generally, either your reader will take time with your poem or they won't, regardless whatever typesetting tricks you try to use. Generally better writing will achieve this goal. Easier said that done, I know, but in poetry as well as any art form there are really no shortcuts. Here is a poem by Rumi that I have read meany times, and that is something I rarely do. It needs no extra spaces, or extra caps, et. al., for me to want to study it. You will notice that each line is a sentence.

“When I am with you, we stay up all night.
When you're not here, I can't go to sleep.
Praise God for those two insomnias!
And the difference between them.”

-Rumi      

Thanks for your response,

Dale

Thanks so much for your response ! Honestly.. I appreciate the input. What a fantastic poem, Rumi can paint such vivid pictures of the paradoxes of this world.

[billy]

why/how?/mod

the poem gave me an idle, meandering sense...
on subsequent reads it felt more like a stage for the word "momentaneous."

[billy]

with the others on the cap remarks (though it's not a rule it doesn't help me with the read. ) short a poems need more imagery or else they can become very weak. the first line starts the poem off really well and then it dies with each new line.

Meddle

You and I are as momentaneous as ripples in water if that's a new word i love it.

Not knowing where we start

Or we end the line above and this are too cliche for such a short poem, make every line count

Drifting along crossing paths

Where is the line these last two lines are in the same vein as the previous two. be original, use an image/smile/metaphor etc.

Between you and I ?

[ExpressionofZero]

The poem did not strike out at me at all. It's a nice sentiment but I thought it was - to be frank - quite boring. Try spice it up a bit, throw in a reference to the sense of smell or something. [In my own opinion I'd ditch the skipped lines too]