Janus

[Tamara]

Teak wood flowers, snow drops
cluster on every branch,
small fragrant ones;
a blizzard without a warning
on a November morning,
it’s as if winter set in early.
You decide to leave,
crocheted leaves exhale
winter and leave shadows;
a white haze on the hills.
I sing a lone song
a red whiskered bulbul
flies out to sunshine
and the leaves rustle.

[brandontoh]

The font size is too small! Overall I would say that the poem sets a very nice image. Is 'you decide to leave' a deliberate phrasing over something such as 'you left'? As it stands there's this rather apathetic feeling of light regret, and I really like it. The only flaw in my opinion is 'I sing a lone song'. It doesn't really add to the image, and while it leads to the last 2 beautiful lines, it feels very obligatory. It may be just me, but I feel that silence from the narrator have more impact than a song. If a song, then I would love to 'hear' it come alive.

Teak wood flowers, snow drops
cluster on every branch,
small fragrant ones;
a blizzard without a warning
on a November morning,
it’s as if winter set in early.
You decide to leave,
crocheted leaves exhale
winter and leave shadows;
a white haze on the hills.
I sing a lone song
a red whiskered bulbul
flies out to sunshine
and the leaves rustle.

[Tamara]

I am having issues with posting. I am trying to figure it out and being a tech-tard it's not happening.

I leave out the last four lines, it it? Or just the lone song line?

Thank you for the suggestion.

[brandontoh]

Well, I do think taking them out would make the poem stronger, but it's still up to you. It's your poem.

[Tamara]

no, i will take them out cos the original version did not have it. and maybe use those four lines for another write.

[BenjaminShaw]

Teak wood flowers, snow drops Nice opening, brings the reader right in.
cluster on every branch,
small fragrant ones; I like your use of the semi-colon... I use it similarly.
a blizzard without a warning
on a November morning,
it’s as if winter set in early.
You decide to leave,
crocheted leaves exhale
winter and leave shadows;
a white haze on the hills.
I sing a lone song A little reminiscent of Whitman here... but with your own meter... I do think that the word song may be a little much for the atmosphere of this poem. Song has a sort of triumphant, loud and bold ring to it... but then again it is a lone song which may cancel it all out.
a red whiskered bulbul
flies out to sunshine
and the leaves rustle.

Good poem-- short sweet and evoking some nice imagery.

[Tamara]

Thank you.

[just mercedes]

Ow! I don't like the font.


Teak wood flowers, snow drops I like the way flowers and drops can be nouns or verbs - or both
cluster on every branch,
small fragrant ones; good imagery
a blizzard without a warning
on a November morning, three 'a' very close together. Nice rhyme here.
it’s as if winter set in early. do you need 'it's'?
You decide to leave,
crocheted leaves exhale
winter and leave shadows; repeat 'winter' - is there another word you could use here?
a white haze on the hills. I like the idea of white shadows
I sing a lone song I think this end line needs punctuation, as you used it in lines 2, 5 and 7.
a red whiskered bulbul hyphenate red-whiskered
flies out to sunshine
and the leaves rustle. I'm not sure about the leave/leave/leaves. I do like the final image your poem leaves me with, the sound and motion fading. I also like the way focus changes during the poem, from close-up of flowers to long shot of hills and out into the sunshine.

I don't know if 'you' is the protagonist speaking generally, or they are addressing someone in particular. A parting of lovers? It doesn't really matter. Good use of sensory stimuli - you had me hearing, seeing, feeling this with you.

Thanks for posting this! I enjoyed.

[just mercedes]

[quote='Tamara' pid='175047' dateline='1411875616']


I forgot to ask about the title - I couldn't really see the threshold, or understand how this scene relates to the future and the past.

[Tamara]

After the edit, which one is better, the first one ends in a positive note:

Janus

Teak wood flowers, snowdrops
cluster on every branch,
small fragrant ones;
a blizzard without warning
on a November morning,
as if winter set in early.
You decide to leave,
crocheted leaves exhale
bleakness and leave shadows;
a white haze on the hills.
I sing a lone song,
a red-whiskered bulbul
flies out to sunshine.

or

Teak wood flowers, snowdrops
cluster on every branch,
small fragrant ones;
a blizzard without warning
on a November morning,
as if winter set in early.
You decide to leave,
crocheted leaves exhale
bleakness and leave shadows;
a white haze on the hills.

[Tamara]

I think I will go with the shorter version. I meant it as a noun. Teak wood flowers resemble snowdrops when you look at them from far. i made it together so it's more clear. Thank you.

[billy]

lots of people with dicky eyesight will be reaching for their glasses, think about your readers, many will have eye problems, small fint make eyes like mine bleed

all in all you have the makings of a good poem. it does need an edit or two but it certainly has possibilities.

Teak wood flowers, snow drops i like the opening as it gives a good image though i do have a suggestion;
Teak wood flowers cluster
like snowdrops  on every branch,
cluster on every branch,
small fragrant ones;
a blizzard without a warning
on a November morning,
it’s as if winter set in early. no need for [it's] or [in]
You decide to leave,
crocheted leaves exhale leave and leaves feel too close in both ways. a suggestion would be to alter the next line.
winter and leave shadows;
a white haze on the hills.
I sing a lone song
a red whiskered bulbul
flies out to sunshine
and the leaves rustle. another leaves, a suggestion would be and the [insert tree of choice here] rustle[s]

[Tamara]

lots of people with dicky eyesight will be reaching for their glasses, think about your readers, many will have eye problems, small fint make eyes like mine bleed

all in all you have the makings of a good poem. it does need an edit or two but it certainly has possibilities.

Teak wood flowers, snow drops i like the opening as it gives a good image though i do have a suggestion;
Teak wood flowers cluster
like snowdrops  on every branch,
cluster on every branch,
small fragrant ones;
a blizzard without a warning
on a November morning,
it’s as if winter set in early. no need for [it's] or [in]
You decide to leave,
crocheted leaves exhale leave and leaves feel too close in both ways. a suggestion would be to alter the next line.
winter and leave shadows;
a white haze on the hills.
I sing a lone song
a red whiskered bulbul
flies out to sunshine
and the leaves rustle. another leaves, a suggestion would be and the [insert tree of choice here] rustle[s]

mine too. lol. i can't read them even with my glasses. it's too small. next time i will try typing the poem directly here. i copied and pasted it. 

thank you for the suggestions. it makes sense. another edit will follow soon.