The Wasting (edit3)

[ChristopherSea]

Leah/bena/ella/Heslop edit3 Thanks, I think its close!

The Wasting

Mother ghosts
past attic dormers,
between the cloaked furnishings
and forgotten mementos
crated up for years. She’s acquiesced
to death since Father's departure,  

but she is not dying. We keep her
blood thinned with warfarin,
the same poison reserved
for prowling rodents.  

Some assume she’s sedated
from her vacant gape, as she watches
time compress into shale
on the Game Show Network. Broadcasting
signs of culture shock,
she‘s tattooed-teenager-disturbed,
retreating from body piercings,
LED lighting and the internet.

Wearing blue hair nets,
she passes time moaning of aches
through the smudged panes. I listen
to her recite details of doctor visits
and medical tests concluding

that she won’t be joining Father
any time soon.


---------------------------------------------

Leah/bena/ella edit2 Thank you!

The Wasting

Mother ghosts
past attic dormers,
between the cloaked furnishings
and forgotten mementos
crated up for years. She’s acquiesced
to death since Father's departure,  

but she is not dying. We keep her
blood thinned with warfarin,
the same poison others reserve
for prowling rodents.  

Most assume she’s sedated
from her vacant gape, as she watches
time compress into shale
on the Game Show Network. Broadcasting
signs of culture shock,
she‘s tattooed-teenager-disturbed,
retreating from body piercings,
LED lighting and the internet.

Wearing blue hair nets,
she passes her hours moaning of aches
through smudged panes.

Insufferably, I listen to her
recite details of doctor visits
and medical tests concluding
that she is in good health-

and won’t be joining Dad
any time soon.


--------------------------------------------
Leah/bena edit 1 Thanks folks!

The Wasting

Mother ghosts
past attic dormers
between cloaked antique furnishings
and the forgotten mementos
crated up. She’s acquiesced
to death since Father's demise,
but she is not dying, as we keep her
blood thinned with warfarin,
the same poison we reserve
for prowling rodents.

You’d think she’s sedated
from her vacant gape, while watching
time compress into shale
on the Game Show Network. Broadcasting
signs of culture shock, she is tattooed-
teenager-disturbed and recoils from body piercings,
LED lighting and the internet.

Wearing blue hair nets,
she passes time moaning of aches
through the smudged panes. I listen to her
recite details of doctor visits
and medical tests concluding
she is still too healthy

to join Dad any time soon.


-----------------------------------
The Wasting

Mother ghosts
past attic dormers
between cloaked antique furnishings
and the forgotten souvenirs
crated up. She’s acquiesced
to death since Father's demise,
but she is not dying, as we keep her
blood thinned with Coumadin,
the same poison we reserve
for prowling rodents. You’d think
she’s sedated from her vacant gape,
while watching time compact into shale
on the Game Show Network. Broadcasting
signs of cultural paralysis, she is tattooed-
teenager disturbed and recoils from body piercings,
LED lighting and the internet. Wearing blue
hair nets, she passes time moaning of aches
through the smudged panes. I listen to her
recite details of doctor visits
and medical tests concluding
she is still too healthy
to join Dad any time soon.

[Leah S.]

I'm having trouble with the tone and word choices. You call them "Mother" and "Father" but default to "Dad" in the last line. "Acquiesce" is a formal word choice, and so is "demise" and you set that tone early in the poem, but then you slide into contractions in "You'd think she's sedated".  The phrase "tattooed teenager disturbed" is quirky and doesn't fit with the tone of the rest of the poem. If you keep it, I think it needs hyphens (tattooed-teenager-disturbed) since you are using it as a kind of adjective. "Disturbed by tattooed teenagers" would work just as well, since the alternative (if you want to be consistent) would be something like "She is tattooed-teenager-body-piercing-LED-lighting-internet-disturbed.") Re: "cultural paralysis," she can't be paralyzed if she is broadcasting and recoiling. I translated it to "culture-shock" when I read it. The only reference I could find to "cultural paralysis" on the internet was the following: "Cultural paralysis: a condition of complete social helplessness brought on by an inability to distinguish among the taboos and etiquette of multiple societies. CP is most acutely experienced by those who have travelled and lived in 3 or more countries and can no longer remember which rules apply to which location."
"Compact" doesn't work very well as a verb. It's too much like the abomination "impacted, impacting" which has language-raped its way into the dictionary. May I suggest "compress" or "solidify" instead?
I hesitate to give you any punctuation advice, until I follow Tectak's advice about my semi-colons, but I do think you need to review the punctuation and add a few commas here and there. Also, line breaks are really important in free verse, and are usually used to indicate where you want the reader to pause, and to delineate a grouping of words that may indicate a shift in meaning or context. Try putting line breaks after each period, and then review to see where else you want to put them.
I like the subject matter of the poem very much, it is a difficult subject to tackle. I like the emotional ambiguity of the last few lines.
Best, Leah

[bena]

I really love this one, but of course, being it is in serious I'll find a few nits to pick. (just dawned on me, is that phrase about lice?)

General complaint:  could use some white space...but you know I adore my white space so I may be biased. 



The Wasting


Mother ghosts (loveeee the line break here)
past attic dormers
between cloaked antique furnishings
and the forgotten souvenirs (not crazy about the word souvenirs here, reminds me of a trinket you'd pick up on vacation and not a lifetime full of memories---Not sure exactly what I'd like to see instead, but you are more than capable of coming up with the right substitute.  Oooo--just thought of something--since you refer just below the nibbling rats, perhaps "morsels of memories" --you know I adore assonance and alliteration.)
crated up. She’s acquiesced
to death since Father's demise,
but she is not dying, as we keep her
blood thinned with Coumadin,  (perhaps use Warfarin instead of Coumadin?  Not sure why I like that one better, just sounds better to my ear and has a slight mental connection with Wharf rats)
the same poison we reserve
for prowling rodents. You’d think
she’s sedated from her vacant gape,
while watching time compact (compacted? I think) into shale
on the Game Show Network. Broadcasting
signs of cultural paralysis, she is tattooed-
teenager disturbed (personally love this as is, but it could lead to a brief misinterpretation that she is a tattooed teen) and recoils from body piercings,
LED lighting and the internet. Wearing blue
hair nets, she passes time moaning of aches
through the smudged panes (adore play on pain/pane). I listen to her
recite details of doctor visits
and medical tests concluding
she is still too healthy
to join Dad any time soon.



I know I commented quite a bit on things that could be changed, but that doesn't mean it couldn't stand as is and be fantastic.

your loving bosom buddy,

melicious.

[ChristopherSea]

I'm having trouble with the tone and word choices. You call them "Mother" and "Father" but default to "Dad" in the last line. "Acquiesce" is a formal word choice, and so is "demise" and you set that tone early in the poem, but then you slide into contractions in "You'd think she's sedated".  The phrase "tattooed teenager disturbed" is quirky and doesn't fit with the tone of the rest of the poem. If you keep it, I think it needs hyphens (tattooed-teenager-disturbed) since you are using it as a kind of adjective. "Disturbed by tattooed teenagers" would work just as well, since the alternative (if you want to be consistent) would be something like "She is tattooed-teenager-body-piercing-LED-lighting-internet-disturbed.") Re: "cultural paralysis," she can't be paralyzed if she is broadcasting and recoiling. I translated it to "culture-shock" when I read it. The only reference I could find to "cultural paralysis" on the internet was the following: "Cultural paralysis: a condition of complete social helplessness brought on by an inability to distinguish among the taboos and etiquette of multiple societies. CP is most acutely experienced by those who have travelled and lived in 3 or more countries and can no longer remember which rules apply to which location."
"Compact" doesn't work very well as a verb. It's too much like the abomination "impacted, impacting" which has language-raped its way into the dictionary. May I suggest "compress" or "solidify" instead?
I hesitate to give you any punctuation advice, until I follow Tectak's advice about my semi-colons, but I do think you need to review the punctuation and add a few commas here and there. Also, line breaks are really important in free verse, and are usually used to indicate where you want the reader to pause, and to delineate a grouping of words that may indicate a shift in meaning or context. Try putting line breaks after each period, and then review to see where else you want to put them.
I like the subject matter of the poem very much, it is a difficult subject to tackle. I like the emotional ambiguity of the last few lines.
Best, Leah

Leah, thank you so much for your time and this detailed critique. I always edit my works, so I will try to incorporate
some of your suggestions.

You have quite the verbatum take on word choice for a poet and that is intriguing. Let me see if I share some of the same
concerns. Since this is somewhat autobiographical, perhaps emotion took the reigns from my attention to diction.

The assumption that every line break should occur after every period neglects a very useful poetic device. I purposely did not
break after periods to exploit enjambment in creating a melding of sentences that it some cases could stand as their own lines, eg:

crated up. She’s acquiesced

for prowling rodents. You’d think

on the Game Show Network. Broadcasting

LED lighting and the internet. Wearing blue

through the smudged panes. I listen to her

(etc, you get the drift)

However, I will make certain that gimmick has not overtaken effectiveness.

The poem does go from more formal to personal and hopefully from factual to emotional. Good job observing that.
I shall re-examine the transitions it to see if they are working.

I am much obliged for the read, the comments and help Leah! Cheers/Chris

---

I really love this one, but of course, being it is in serious I'll find a few nits to pick. (just dawned on me, is that phrase about lice?)

General complaint:  could use some white space...but you know I adore my white space so I may be biased. 



The Wasting


Mother ghosts (loveeee the line break here)
past attic dormers
between cloaked antique furnishings
and the forgotten souvenirs (not crazy about the word souvenirs here, reminds me of a trinket you'd pick up on vacation and not a lifetime full of memories---Not sure exactly what I'd like to see instead, but you are more than capable of coming up with the right substitute.  Oooo--just thought of something--since you refer just below the nibbling rats, perhaps "morsels of memories" --you know I adore assonance and alliteration.)
crated up. She’s acquiesced
to death since Father's demise,
but she is not dying, as we keep her
blood thinned with Coumadin,  (perhaps use Warfarin instead of Coumadin?  Not sure why I like that one better, just sounds better to my ear and has a slight mental connection with Wharf rats)
the same poison we reserve
for prowling rodents. You’d think
she’s sedated from her vacant gape,
while watching time compact (compacted? I think) into shale
on the Game Show Network. Broadcasting
signs of cultural paralysis, she is tattooed-
teenager disturbed (personally love this as is, but it could lead to a brief misinterpretation that she is a tattooed teen) and recoils from body piercings,
LED lighting and the internet. Wearing blue
hair nets, she passes time moaning of aches
through the smudged panes (adore play on pain/pane). I listen to her
recite details of doctor visits
and medical tests concluding
she is still too healthy
to join Dad any time soon.



I know I commented quite a bit on things that could be changed, but that doesn't mean it couldn't stand as is and be fantastic.

your loving bosom buddy,

melicious.

Thank you, as always, for your sage advice Melicious-Melanie! I had some white space in earlier drafts (this is about the 10th).
However, it seemed to subtract from co-joining some of my sentence fragments via enjambment to form new lines that can stand on
their own, as I explained to Leah. I might make a stanza break to satisfy both you and Leah after 'prowling rodents.' I did have that
last line dropped down earlier and could restore it, but I feel that I do that in every other poem. I may have thought that a sort of run-on
poetry form would emphasize the protracted wait that has become my Mom's new reality.

I see your point on the chintzy souvenirs verses 'memories' or something similar. Warfarin would work, as well as emphasize
that it is a rat poison in addition to being an anti-thrombosis/anticoagulant. Nobody seems to like the geologic term compact (The process
in the rock cycle which forms shale is called compaction). Perhaps, I will find a different term. I'll look for even a more scientific term.  

Yes, my Mom has no tattoos and is no teenager. It was sad to see her beginning to give up on life at 86. She is becoming more withdrawn
and depressed with time. As for the line, the double-hyphenation suggestion of Leah's might work or 'she's become tattooed-teenager...'
could suffice.

I will have an edit in the near future. I always get some good ideas from you doll-face and I am ever grateful./Chris

[Leah S.]

I'm having trouble with the tone and word choices. You call them "Mother" and "Father" but default to "Dad" in the last line. "Acquiesce" is a formal word choice, and so is "demise" and you set that tone early in the poem, but then you slide into contractions in "You'd think she's sedated".  The phrase "tattooed teenager disturbed" is quirky and doesn't fit with the tone of the rest of the poem. If you keep it, I think it needs hyphens (tattooed-teenager-disturbed) since you are using it as a kind of adjective. "Disturbed by tattooed teenagers" would work just as well, since the alternative (if you want to be consistent) would be something like "She is tattooed-teenager-body-piercing-LED-lighting-internet-disturbed.") Re: "cultural paralysis," she can't be paralyzed if she is broadcasting and recoiling. I translated it to "culture-shock" when I read it. The only reference I could find to "cultural paralysis" on the internet was the following: "Cultural paralysis: a condition of complete social helplessness brought on by an inability to distinguish among the taboos and etiquette of multiple societies. CP is most acutely experienced by those who have travelled and lived in 3 or more countries and can no longer remember which rules apply to which location."
"Compact" doesn't work very well as a verb. It's too much like the abomination "impacted, impacting" which has language-raped its way into the dictionary. May I suggest "compress" or "solidify" instead?
I hesitate to give you any punctuation advice, until I follow Tectak's advice about my semi-colons, but I do think you need to review the punctuation and add a few commas here and there. Also, line breaks are really important in free verse, and are usually used to indicate where you want the reader to pause, and to delineate a grouping of words that may indicate a shift in meaning or context. Try putting line breaks after each period, and then review to see where else you want to put them.
I like the subject matter of the poem very much, it is a difficult subject to tackle. I like the emotional ambiguity of the last few lines.
Best, Leah

Leah, thank you so much for your time and this detailed critique. I always edit my works, so I will try to incorporate
some of your suggestions.
You have quite the verbatum take on word choice for a poet and that is intriguing. Let me see if I share some of the same
concerns. Since this is somewhat autobiographical, perhaps emotion took the reigns from my attention to diction.
The assumption that every line break should occur after every period neglects a very useful poetic device. I purposely did not
break after periods to exploit enjambment in creating a melding of sentences that it some cases could stand as their own lines, eg:
crated up. She’s acquiesced
for prowling rodents. You’d think
on the Game Show Network. Broadcasting
LED lighting and the internet. Wearing blue
through the smudged panes. I listen to her
(etc, you get the drift)
However, I will make certain that gimmick has not overtaken effectiveness.
The poem does go from more formal to personal and hopefully from factual to emotional. Good job observing that.
I shall re-examine the transitions it to see if they are working.
I am much obliged for the read, the comments and help Leah! Cheers/Chris
I get what you are trying to do with your line breaks, I do, I do! It's just that I don't think you can get any reader to NOT pause at a period. I only meant that if your line breaks AND your periods put the pauses exactly where you want them, don't change a thing! If not, review keeping in mind the natural pause at a period.

---

I really love this one, but of course, being it is in serious I'll find a few nits to pick. (just dawned on me, is that phrase about lice?)
General complaint:  could use some white space...but you know I adore my white space so I may be biased. 
The Wasting
Mother ghosts (loveeee the line break here)
past attic dormers
between cloaked antique furnishings
and the forgotten souvenirs (not crazy about the word souvenirs here, reminds me of a trinket you'd pick up on vacation and not a lifetime full of memories---Not sure exactly what I'd like to see instead, but you are more than capable of coming up with the right substitute.  Oooo--just thought of something--since you refer just below the nibbling rats, perhaps "morsels of memories" --you know I adore assonance and alliteration.)
crated up. She’s acquiesced
to death since Father's demise,
but she is not dying, as we keep her
blood thinned with Coumadin,  (perhaps use Warfarin instead of Coumadin?  Not sure why I like that one better, just sounds better to my ear and has a slight mental connection with Wharf rats)
the same poison we reserve
for prowling rodents. You’d think
she’s sedated from her vacant gape,
while watching time compact (compacted? I think) into shale
on the Game Show Network. Broadcasting
signs of cultural paralysis, she is tattooed-
teenager disturbed (personally love this as is, but it could lead to a brief misinterpretation that she is a tattooed teen) and recoils from body piercings,
LED lighting and the internet. Wearing blue
hair nets, she passes time moaning of aches
through the smudged panes (adore play on pain/pane). I listen to her
recite details of doctor visits
and medical tests concluding
she is still too healthy
to join Dad any time soon.
I know I commented quite a bit on things that could be changed, but that doesn't mean it couldn't stand as is and be fantastic.
your loving bosom buddy,
melicious.

Thank you, as always, for your sage advice Melicious-Melanie! I had some white space in earlier drafts (this is about the 10th).
However, it seemed to subtract from co-joining some of my sentence fragments via enjambment to form new lines that can stand on
their own, as I explained to Leah. I might make a stanza break to satisfy both you and Leah after 'prowling rodents.' I did have that
last line dropped down earlier and could restore it, but I feel that I do that in every other poem. I may have thought that a sort of run-on
poetry form would emphasize the protracted wait that has become my Mom's new reality.
I see your point on the chintzy souvenirs verses 'memories' or something similar. Warfarin would work, as well as emphasize
that it is a rat poison in addition to being an anti-thrombosis/anticoagulant. Nobody seems to like the geologic term compact (The process
in the rock cycle which forms shale is called compaction). Perhaps, I will find a different term. I'll look for even a more scientific term.  
Yes, my Mom has no tattoos and is no teenager. It was sad to see her beginning to give up on life at 86. She is becoming more withdrawn
and depressed with time. As for the line, the double-hyphenation suggestion of Leah's might work or 'she's become tattooed-teenager...'
could suffice.
I will have an edit in the near future. I always get some good ideas from you doll-face and I am ever grateful./Chris

---

I'm having trouble with the tone and word choices. You call them "Mother" and "Father" but default to "Dad" in the last line. "Acquiesce" is a formal word choice, and so is "demise" and you set that tone early in the poem, but then you slide into contractions in "You'd think she's sedated".  The phrase "tattooed teenager disturbed" is quirky and doesn't fit with the tone of the rest of the poem. If you keep it, I think it needs hyphens (tattooed-teenager-disturbed) since you are using it as a kind of adjective. "Disturbed by tattooed teenagers" would work just as well, since the alternative (if you want to be consistent) would be something like "She is tattooed-teenager-body-piercing-LED-lighting-internet-disturbed.") Re: "cultural paralysis," she can't be paralyzed if she is broadcasting and recoiling. I translated it to "culture-shock" when I read it. The only reference I could find to "cultural paralysis" on the internet was the following: "Cultural paralysis: a condition of complete social helplessness brought on by an inability to distinguish among the taboos and etiquette of multiple societies. CP is most acutely experienced by those who have travelled and lived in 3 or more countries and can no longer remember which rules apply to which location."
"Compact" doesn't work very well as a verb. It's too much like the abomination "impacted, impacting" which has language-raped its way into the dictionary. May I suggest "compress" or "solidify" instead?
I hesitate to give you any punctuation advice, until I follow Tectak's advice about my semi-colons, but I do think you need to review the punctuation and add a few commas here and there. Also, line breaks are really important in free verse, and are usually used to indicate where you want the reader to pause, and to delineate a grouping of words that may indicate a shift in meaning or context. Try putting line breaks after each period, and then review to see where else you want to put them.
I like the subject matter of the poem very much, it is a difficult subject to tackle. I like the emotional ambiguity of the last few lines.
Best, Leah

Leah, thank you so much for your time and this detailed critique. I always edit my works, so I will try to incorporate
some of your suggestions.
You have quite the verbatum take on word choice for a poet and that is intriguing. Let me see if I share some of the same
concerns. Since this is somewhat autobiographical, perhaps emotion took the reigns from my attention to diction.
The assumption that every line break should occur after every period neglects a very useful poetic device. I purposely did not
break after periods to exploit enjambment in creating a melding of sentences that it some cases could stand as their own lines, eg:
crated up. She’s acquiesced
for prowling rodents. You’d think
on the Game Show Network. Broadcasting
LED lighting and the internet. Wearing blue
through the smudged panes. I listen to her
(etc, you get the drift)
However, I will make certain that gimmick has not overtaken effectiveness.
The poem does go from more formal to personal and hopefully from factual to emotional. Good job observing that.
I shall re-examine the transitions it to see if they are working.
I am much obliged for the read, the comments and help Leah! Cheers/Chris
I get what you are trying to do with your line breaks, I do, I do! It's just that I don't think you can get any reader to NOT pause at a period. I only meant that if your line breaks AND your periods put the pauses exactly where you want them, don't change a thing! If not, review keeping in mind the natural pause at a period.

---

I really love this one, but of course, being it is in serious I'll find a few nits to pick. (just dawned on me, is that phrase about lice?)
General complaint:  could use some white space...but you know I adore my white space so I may be biased. 
The Wasting
Mother ghosts (loveeee the line break here)
past attic dormers
between cloaked antique furnishings
and the forgotten souvenirs (not crazy about the word souvenirs here, reminds me of a trinket you'd pick up on vacation and not a lifetime full of memories---Not sure exactly what I'd like to see instead, but you are more than capable of coming up with the right substitute.  Oooo--just thought of something--since you refer just below the nibbling rats, perhaps "morsels of memories" --you know I adore assonance and alliteration.)
crated up. She’s acquiesced
to death since Father's demise,
but she is not dying, as we keep her
blood thinned with Coumadin,  (perhaps use Warfarin instead of Coumadin?  Not sure why I like that one better, just sounds better to my ear and has a slight mental connection with Wharf rats)
the same poison we reserve
for prowling rodents. You’d think
she’s sedated from her vacant gape,
while watching time compact (compacted? I think) into shale
on the Game Show Network. Broadcasting
signs of cultural paralysis, she is tattooed-
teenager disturbed (personally love this as is, but it could lead to a brief misinterpretation that she is a tattooed teen) and recoils from body piercings,
LED lighting and the internet. Wearing blue
hair nets, she passes time moaning of aches
through the smudged panes (adore play on pain/pane). I listen to her
recite details of doctor visits
and medical tests concluding
she is still too healthy
to join Dad any time soon.
I know I commented quite a bit on things that could be changed, but that doesn't mean it couldn't stand as is and be fantastic.
your loving bosom buddy,
melicious.

Thank you, as always, for your sage advice Melicious-Melanie! I had some white space in earlier drafts (this is about the 10th).
However, it seemed to subtract from co-joining some of my sentence fragments via enjambment to form new lines that can stand on
their own, as I explained to Leah. I might make a stanza break to satisfy both you and Leah after 'prowling rodents.' I did have that
last line dropped down earlier and could restore it, but I feel that I do that in every other poem. I may have thought that a sort of run-on
poetry form would emphasize the protracted wait that has become my Mom's new reality.
I see your point on the chintzy souvenirs verses 'memories' or something similar. Warfarin would work, as well as emphasize
that it is a rat poison in addition to being an anti-thrombosis/anticoagulant. Nobody seems to like the geologic term compact (The process
in the rock cycle which forms shale is called compaction). Perhaps, I will find a different term. I'll look for even a more scientific term.  
[****or "time's compaction into shale." I wouldn't cringe at that! Best, Leah]
Yes, my Mom has no tattoos and is no teenager. It was sad to see her beginning to give up on life at 86. She is becoming more withdrawn
and depressed with time. As for the line, the double-hyphenation suggestion of Leah's might work or 'she's become tattooed-teenager...'
could suffice.
I will have an edit in the near future. I always get some good ideas from you doll-face and I am ever grateful./Chris

[bena]

I had no issue with the geologic term compaction, just the way it was used---(that's why I said 'I think?')

Leah's suggestion works far better than mine, but pretty sure we were both critiquing at or near same time, so I didn't see it.

[ChristopherSea]

Thank you once again ladies. Leah/bena edit 1 is posted!  

[ellajam]

Hi, Chris, have you been peeking into my mom's windows again? Sorry it's taken me so long, but here are a few notes.

Leah/bena edit 1 Thanks folks!

The Wasting

Mother ghosts Strong opening, I know that demeanor.
past attic dormers possible comma
between cloaked antique furnishings I think I'd lose antique.
and the forgotten mementos I think "and the crated mementos." would do.
crated up. She’s acquiesced
to death since Father's demise, Not thrilled with the sound of death/demise, I might use flight instead of demise, but that's just me, I'd probably have to fight for it.
but she is not dying, as we keep her Possibly "kept" instead of "as we keep her".
blood thinned with warfarin,
the same poison we reserve
for prowling rodents. This whole image is eye-opening, though I understand and like the warfarin the phrasing makes me think of mom as ratlike, I'm not sure if that is what you want.

You’d think she’s sedated Not a fan of "you'd think", I think you can do better.
from her vacant gape, while watching Something's off in the structure here, the comma seems wrong, I'm not sure how best to fix it.
time compress into shale
on the Game Show Network. Broadcasting
signs of culture shock, she is tattooed-
teenager-disturbed and recoils from body piercings,
LED lighting and the internet.
I liked paralyzed, even after reading the definition, mom has been to different "countries" and no longer bothers to respond appropriately, if that's what you originally meant. I'd break on paralyzed or shock and give  tattooed-teenager-disturbed it's own line, I can't find an advantage to breaking in the middle and disturbed is not a bad break.

Wearing blue hair nets,
she passes time moaning of aches
through the smudged panes. I listen to her
recite details of doctor visits
and medical tests concluding
she is still too healthy
You might consider breaking on "panes", take a look at
She recite details
of doctor visits and medical tests that conclude
she is still too healthy

but I'd change "medical" to modern or new-fangled or something better, it throws back to that being the only part of present life she takes part in.

to join Dad any time soon.
If you are going to keep this drop I think this line could use a tweak, maybe a comma after healthy and "won't be joining" instead of  "to join".

I hope you enjoy thinking about these comments, for me this is interesting and very close to hitting its target. Thanks for posting it, I think it's important and appreciate your voice here. I enjoyed the time I spent with it.
-----------------------------------
The Wasting

Mother ghosts
past attic dormers
between cloaked antique furnishings
and the forgotten souvenirs
crated up. She’s acquiesced
to death since Father's demise,
but she is not dying, as we keep her
blood thinned with Coumadin,
the same poison we reserve
for prowling rodents. You’d think
she’s sedated from her vacant gape,
while watching time compact into shale
on the Game Show Network. Broadcasting
signs of cultural paralysis, she is tattooed-
teenager disturbed and recoils from body piercings,
LED lighting and the internet. Wearing blue
hair nets, she passes time moaning of aches
through the smudged panes. I listen to her
recite details of doctor visits
and medical tests concluding
she is still too healthy
to join Dad any time soon.

[Leah S.]

I really love this one, but of course, being it is in serious I'll find a few nits to pick. (just dawned on me, is that phrase about lice?)
Yes. Yes it is. It's a great simile for what we do here, eh. Poetry critique as a form of social grooming

General complaint:  could use some white space...but you know I adore my white space so I may be biased. 



The Wasting


Mother ghosts (loveeee the line break here)
past attic dormers
between cloaked antique furnishings
and the forgotten souvenirs (not crazy about the word souvenirs here, reminds me of a trinket you'd pick up on vacation and not a lifetime full of memories---Not sure exactly what I'd like to see instead, but you are more than capable of coming up with the right substitute.  Oooo--just thought of something--since you refer just below the nibbling rats, perhaps "morsels of memories" --you know I adore assonance and alliteration.)
crated up. She’s acquiesced
to death since Father's demise,
but she is not dying, as we keep her
blood thinned with Coumadin,  (perhaps use Warfarin instead of Coumadin?  Not sure why I like that one better, just sounds better to my ear and has a slight mental connection with Wharf rats)
the same poison we reserve
for prowling rodents. You’d think
she’s sedated from her vacant gape,
while watching time compact (compacted? I think) into shale
on the Game Show Network. Broadcasting
signs of cultural paralysis, she is tattooed-
teenager disturbed (personally love this as is, but it could lead to a brief misinterpretation that she is a tattooed teen) and recoils from body piercings,
LED lighting and the internet. Wearing blue
hair nets, she passes time moaning of aches
through the smudged panes (adore play on pain/pane). I listen to her
recite details of doctor visits
and medical tests concluding
she is still too healthy
to join Dad any time soon.



I know I commented quite a bit on things that could be changed, but that doesn't mean it couldn't stand as is and be fantastic.

your loving bosom buddy,

melicious.

---

Much improved.
I still think that you should work the heck out of the bored, patient poignancy that I believe you are trying to achieve. Really let the reader know how you feel as you listen (again) to her recital of complaints, and conclude that she isn't ready to die yet.
Best, Leah

[ChristopherSea]

Hi, Chris, have you been peeking into my mom's windows again? Sorry it's taken me so long, but here are a few notes.

Leah/bena edit 1 Thanks folks!

The Wasting

Mother ghosts Strong opening, I know that demeanor.
past attic dormers possible comma
between cloaked antique furnishings I think I'd lose antique.
and the forgotten mementos I think "and the crated mementos." would do.
crated up. She’s acquiesced
to death since Father's demise, Not thrilled with the sound of death/demise, I might use flight instead of demise, but that's just me, I'd probably have to fight for it.
but she is not dying, as we keep her Possibly "kept" instead of "as we keep her".
blood thinned with warfarin,
the same poison we reserve
for prowling rodents. This whole image is eye-opening, though I understand and like the warfarin the phrasing makes me think of mom as ratlike, I'm not sure if that is what you want.

You’d think she’s sedated Not a fan of "you'd think", I think you can do better.
from her vacant gape, while watching Something's off in the structure here, the comma seems wrong, I'm not sure how best to fix it.
time compress into shale
on the Game Show Network. Broadcasting
signs of culture shock, she is tattooed-
teenager-disturbed and recoils from body piercings,
LED lighting and the internet.
I liked paralyzed, even after reading the definition, mom has been to different "countries" and no longer bothers to respond appropriately, if that's what you originally meant. I'd break on paralyzed or shock and give  tattooed-teenager-disturbed it's own line, I can't find an advantage to breaking in the middle and disturbed is not a bad break.

Wearing blue hair nets,
she passes time moaning of aches
through the smudged panes. I listen to her
recite details of doctor visits
and medical tests concluding
she is still too healthy
You might consider breaking on "panes", take a look at
She recite details
of doctor visits and medical tests that conclude
she is still too healthy

but I'd change "medical" to modern or new-fangled or something better, it throws back to that being the only part of present life she takes part in.

to join Dad any time soon.
If you are going to keep this drop I think this line could use a tweak, maybe a comma after healthy and "won't be joining" instead of  "to join".

I hope you enjoy thinking about these comments, for me this is interesting and very close to hitting its target. Thanks for posting it, I think it's important and appreciate your voice here. I enjoyed the time I spent with it.
-----------------------------------
The Wasting

Mother ghosts
past attic dormers
between cloaked antique furnishings
and the forgotten souvenirs
crated up. She’s acquiesced
to death since Father's demise,
but she is not dying, as we keep her
blood thinned with Coumadin,
the same poison we reserve
for prowling rodents. You’d think
she’s sedated from her vacant gape,
while watching time compact into shale
on the Game Show Network. Broadcasting
signs of cultural paralysis, she is tattooed-
teenager disturbed and recoils from body piercings,
LED lighting and the internet. Wearing blue
hair nets, she passes time moaning of aches
through the smudged panes. I listen to her
recite details of doctor visits
and medical tests concluding
she is still too healthy
to join Dad any time soon.

Much obliged for the detailed critique ella. I will certainly entertain some of your suggestions, but it's a fairly extension rewrite to get them all in. Nonetheless, I see some quick fixes through your eyes. Let's see how they look in edit 2. Thanks!/Chris

---

I really love this one, but of course, being it is in serious I'll find a few nits to pick. (just dawned on me, is that phrase about lice?)
Yes. Yes it is. It's a great simile for what we do here, eh. Poetry critique as a form of social grooming

General complaint:  could use some white space...but you know I adore my white space so I may be biased. 



The Wasting


Mother ghosts (loveeee the line break here)
past attic dormers
between cloaked antique furnishings
and the forgotten souvenirs (not crazy about the word souvenirs here, reminds me of a trinket you'd pick up on vacation and not a lifetime full of memories---Not sure exactly what I'd like to see instead, but you are more than capable of coming up with the right substitute.  Oooo--just thought of something--since you refer just below the nibbling rats, perhaps "morsels of memories" --you know I adore assonance and alliteration.)
crated up. She’s acquiesced
to death since Father's demise,
but she is not dying, as we keep her
blood thinned with Coumadin,  (perhaps use Warfarin instead of Coumadin?  Not sure why I like that one better, just sounds better to my ear and has a slight mental connection with Wharf rats)
the same poison we reserve
for prowling rodents. You’d think
she’s sedated from her vacant gape,
while watching time compact (compacted? I think) into shale
on the Game Show Network. Broadcasting
signs of cultural paralysis, she is tattooed-
teenager disturbed (personally love this as is, but it could lead to a brief misinterpretation that she is a tattooed teen) and recoils from body piercings,
LED lighting and the internet. Wearing blue
hair nets, she passes time moaning of aches
through the smudged panes (adore play on pain/pane). I listen to her
recite details of doctor visits
and medical tests concluding
she is still too healthy
to join Dad any time soon.



I know I commented quite a bit on things that could be changed, but that doesn't mean it couldn't stand as is and be fantastic.

your loving bosom buddy,

melicious.

---

Much improved.
I still think that you should work the heck out of the bored, patient poignancy that I believe you are trying to achieve. Really let the reader know how you feel as you listen (again) to her recital of complaints, and conclude that she isn't ready to die yet.
Best, Leah

Thanks for the second look Leah. Perhaps a well placed 'insufferably' would reflect the observer's disgust of watching a relatively healthy mother just bide time until they die. I can envision make next edit.   Appreciative/Chris

---

Leah/bena/ella edit2 posted, thanks to my reviewers!

[heslopian]

Leah/bena/ella edit2 Thank you!

The Wasting

Mother ghosts Is "ghosts" being used as a verb here? If so, I like it! 
past attic dormers,
between the cloaked furnishings
and forgotten mementos
crated up for years. She’s acquiesced
to death since Father's departure,  

but she is not dying. We keep her
blood thinned with warfarin,
the same poison others reserve
for prowling rodents.  So begins the wonderful nastiness which makes this poem such a bitter treat, like a draught of bitter lemon.

Most assume she’s sedated
from her vacant gape, as she watches
time compress into shale Absolutely excellent metaphor. Really, divinely inspired. This may be my favourite line in the poem.
on the Game Show Network. Broadcasting
signs of culture shock,
she‘s tattooed-teenager-disturbed, An original way of inferring mental regression. 
retreating from body piercings,
LED lighting and the internet.

Wearing blue hair nets,
she passes her hours moaning of aches
through smudged panes. A very subtle way of indicating loneliness, and all in all a painfully nasty verse. (That's a good thing. I think...)

Insufferably, I listen to her "Insufferably" has an awkward grammatical position here. As a reader I guess it means that your narrator finds listening to her insufferable, but from a strict grammatical perspective the line suggests that your narrator's being insufferable in how he listens to her.
recite details of doctor visits
and medical tests concluding
that she is in good health- Could this line, and the poem, end like so: "that she won't be joining Dad/any time soon"? The "is in good health" bit seems to labour the point, somewhat. We can infer the good health from the fact she won't be joining Dad any time soon.

and won’t be joining Dad
any time soon.

The poem is a delightfully mean-spirited domestic horror story. It does lack a certain point, a reason for existing. Why did we need to be told this story? Maybe the word I'm looking for is urgency. It exists in and of itself without really saying anything that reaches beyond the narrative. Is it a comment on parental relationships, for instance, or sociopathy, or greed, or what? That said, it's still really well written, evocative and effective. My critique is, of course, JMHO. Thank you for the read 

[ChristopherSea]

Thank you Jack for your time, impressions and suggestions!

To address some of your comments and concerns:

Yes, ghosts is a verb.

In stanza 2, I wanted to use the contrasting and ironic dual action of warfarin as an anticoagulant to prevent heart attack in humans and as a poison for rodentia. I often question whether or not prolonging my mom's life with medication is more like a slow poisoning to her when all she wants to do is die and join my dad.

Additionally, she's obsessed with her minor ailments, yet disappointed by her favorable prognosis. She has lost all patience and tolerance for the world about her.

This poem reflects my frustration and anger with her wasting time that could be spent with family and friends.

I see what you mean about the closing stanza. That insufferable could go. Your simplification of the close works. I suppose that I was striving for more drama, contrast and pause between the reality and punchline. I believe you have given me what I need to polish the poem off. Much obliged!/Chris

[ChristopherSea]

Leah/bena/ella/Heslop edit3 is posted. Thanks, I think its close!