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Haiku on a Giant Baby Destroying Life As We Know It (edit 1, ChristopherSea with an assist from Tamara)
Yonder interga-
lactic baby thirsts for milk.
He will have his Way.
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Haiku on a Giant Baby Destroying Life As We Know It
Yonder interga-
lactic baby thirsts for milk,
and he'll have his Way.
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Nice juxtaposition of the almost archaic "yonder" and the always new "intergalactic". Even better that they couldn't live together in one line.
The capatalization of "Way" may have taken me a little too close to "Little Miss Muffet" than necessary. I would still have understood if "way" was lowercase. Wonderfully compact. - It works well as a Haiku. Thanks for the read.- Paul
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(08-06-2014, 10:33 AM)crow Wrote: Haiku on a Giant Baby Destroying Life As We Know It
Yonder interga-
lactic baby thirsts for milk,
and he'll have his Way.
a good senryu. i like the way you broke up intergalactic.
i think a lower case for both 'yonder' and 'way'.
removing the 'and' in the last line would make it more effective. but i guess you have used it to meet the 5-7-5 requirement.
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Oh, the puns! Beautifully dreadful use of the hyphen for maximum wordplay.
It could be worse
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You like that, Leanne? hahaha
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cleverly lactic i liked the title as well it works even though i read it more as senryu than haiku
it had an irreverent feel to it
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Cute one Crow. 'Yonder' & 'and' seem like filler to yield a 5-7-5 syllable count. You don't really need to adhere to that strict scheme anymore with haiku/senyru. However, you could make a play on 'Milky' by dropping the 'and' & elongating the contraction 'he'll' to 'he will,' e.g.:
...Milk
he will have his Way.
By the way, your babe reminded me of Star-Child from 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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I usually don't go for the capitalized words, but I think it was Way that brought me so easily to milky way.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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ChristopherSea for the win! Brilliant suggestion. You will be spared.
