Better Than Beans On Toast.

[billy]

Better Than Beans On Toast.

Better Than Beans On Toast.


    Lewd, screwed and imbued.
    Filled with what the fuck was that;
    drugs, and snake-charmers hugs in spoiled foil
    fucks them over, hypnotize the despise
    into lies, beyond mascara laden cries.
    Sucking, fucking. Who the fuck’s looking
    at pustules pissing puss and blood?
    Track-marks float, skin-septic spokes,
    choked veins strained and screaming,
    tortured, steaming, fucked yet gleaming eyed.
    The needle piercing, not into an optic nerve just yet;
    instead the flaccid penis feels the silver stainless steel
    penetrate and flood the blood, unforgiving                          

by W. Marsland.

full critique welcome

edited: changed basks to bask after feedback from addy
replaced [adult content] with [Better Than Beans On Toast.] on reflection it's a pretty tame poem really [thanks to leanne]

[addy]

Exclent form as usual . And I likethe rolling quality of this, kinda like beat poetry.

Better Than Beans On Toast.

Lewd, screwed and imbued.
Filled with what the fuck was that;
drugs, and snake-charmers hugs in spoiled foil Like this linefucks them over, hypnotize the despise
into lies, beyond mascara laden cries.
Sucking, fucking. Who the fuck’s looking
at pustules pissing puss and blood?
Track-marks float, skin-septic spokes,
choked veins strained and screaming,
tortured, steaming, fucked yet gleaming eyed.
The needle piercing, not into an optic nerve just yet; I think it's alright to say "eye" instead of optic nerve... makes it sound more visceral rather than clinical, plus adds an extra dimension to the image.
instead the flaccid penis feels the silver stainless steel
penetrate and flood the blood, unforgiving


By William Marsland.

full critique welcome

[billy]

thanks for the feedback as always addy

[lizzyrose12]

thanks for the feedback as always addy

I felt the pure power behind this poem. I think that you should not use the word 'fuck' so many times. It's okay though, the poem makes up for that. Some lines to me were more crude than they had to be, but like I said I felt real power behind them. I like it over all and I think you did a good job.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback lizzyrose.

remember the content warnings mean it's got swearwords, sex or extreme violence in the body of the poem. i doubt it will bother you though lol.
if this post is something to go on you seem level headed enough.

[Bianca Alabaster]

great poem, shocking and powerful, leaves my mind in a dark place as poetry can sometimes do. So glad I've never been into drugs. Excellent write.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback Bianca.

[Cousin Kil]

I love poems that aren't afraid to swear... there's a difference between doing it for the shock value of it (cheap) and for the actual vibrancy of the poem. This is vibrant, this is the culture, your peeling back the rind for us to see the fruit
I relate to this poem coming from a family whose lost loved ones to substance abuse.
The subject matter always manages to hit me and intrigue at the same time

"There ought to be a room in this house to swear in. It's dangerous to suppress an emotion like that... Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."- Mark Twain

Good stuff man, keep it up

[Leanne]

Dear Poet,



I suggest that you change the title of this poem as it seems to attract quite a lot of people who are mostly interested in getting cheap thrills out of "adult content" and just want to pat you on the back for having the balls to say fuck instead of providing an actual critique.



Thank you,

Admin

[Mark A Becker]

Hmm- sounds like a junkie shootin up in the cock to me, cause all the other veins are collapsed or hardened.  Only problem is most junkies can't get it up enough to present a "worthy" vein.  

Next I guess will be a spike straight to the eyeball.

Could be titled "Blinded by the Needle"

... Mark

[billy]

thanks for the reply mark.