Dear My Love, lazy edit

[QDeathstar]

edit 1

Dear My Love,

Even though I have all your heart,
helplessly I fear us falling apart.
Although I might have made a mistake,
my only hope was that you'd wake.
We always said it would last forever,
frightening how sudden things seem to sever.
See your eyes are pale and grey,
gravely it seems you've slipped away.
Awkward to see you limb by limb,
loosely I remember removing them.
Though you'll fit nicely I'm quite sure,
shivering below my freezer's door,
do not knock is all I implore,
or finger by finger I'll settle the score.


original

Dear My Love,

I wrote these words to fill a hole within your soul;
so alone now if truth be told.
Today it always seems your caress is so cold.
Careful now you've just slept,
slightly scary now I haven't wept.
We always said it would last forever,
frightening how slightly things seem to sever.
See your eyes are pale and grey,
gravely it seems you've slipped away.
Awkward to see you limb by limb,
loosely I remember removing them.
Though you'll fit nicely I'm quite sure,
shivering below my freezer's door,
do not knock is all I implore,
or finger by finger I'll settle the score.

[tectak]

Dear My Love,

I wrote these words to fill a hole within your soul; Lack of clarity in the first line makes the second line impossible to reconcile. Who is so alone? What words? What is a hole in a soul unless you are alluding to "I come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap"...sorry, I meant " I come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope"
so alone now if truth be told.
Today it always seems your caress is so cold - Just today? No. Then don't say it. Omit today...and the dash. You use it incorrectly.
careful now you've just slept,
slightly scary now i havn't wept, Why "i"? Oh, a typo? Correct before posting. It is tedious correcting this kind of error. Now, now is just too present tense for the rest of the piece.Haven't
we always said it would last forever, Yes, hasn't everyone? A mammoth cliche
frighting how slightly things seem to sever. Frighting? Not that correct spelling would save this line. What on earth does it mean? Answers on a postcard, please.
See your eyes are pale and grey,
gravely it seems you've slipped away. No. You have lost the plot. These words, this construct, punctuation and intention indicate to this reader that you are adrift. You must get back on course.
Awkward to see you limb by limb,
loosely i remember removing them. Great line made better by the mundanity of what has gone before. You have, though, still got an inferiority complex.
Though you'll fit nicely im quite sure, I'm. We don't get paid for this, you know
shivering in my deep freezer's door, Forced and simplistic rhyme. Again, you are rushing it. I would go as far as to say you are falling to the end. How do you "get" in a door? Errors of intent weaken the read and make it seem as if you just don't care. Period at this sentence end, after door.
do not knock is all i implore, I
or finger by finger ill settle the score. ill (sic) old pun

Far too many careless catastrophes. Not enough attention to detail. You had an idea. You thought it a good idea. You wrote about your good idea. You wrote badly about your good idea. You still think it is a good idea and so it does not matter that you sprinkle in typos and cluster-fuck with words. It DOES matter if it matters to you.
Best,
tectak

[QDeathstar]

You know, i read this thing 3-4 times for typo's, and still didn't see them.






Sorry, that has got to be especially annoying.

[ellajam]

You know, i read this thing 3-4 times for typo's, and still didn't see them.

Try slowing down your read, and a spellchecker. Also try reading carefully again after you post it, sometimes I find my typos that have slipped by that way. You can click edit on your post to fix them now.

[Isis]

I wonder a little bit about the form; it reminds me vaguely of a sonnet because of the rhyme scheme and the length, but its a little bit different from a sonnet in lots of ways. Most sonnets I'm familiar with don't have rhyming couplets throughout; usually there is some set line length or meter. Was there a particular form you were aiming for? Why the rhyming or half-rhyming couplets?

The first few lines made it a little difficult for me to enter the poem because they seemed so general to me: writing someone a poem to fill a hole could be taken any number of ways. Is it to rebuke someone for their crimes? To make them love the speaker? To give them something, some gem of knowledge or love that would help 'fix' their faults, their 'holes'? Is vague sexual innuendo? From the first two lines it's really hard to tell what the context of the poem is, literal or emotion, besides what the title is telling us. I wonder what would happen if you started with the third line of the poem - I wouldn't miss anything, but I imagine there's an idea you want to convey in the first two lines that I'm not getting. I think tectak and I basically agree about the beginning.

It seems to me like the rest of the poem is an address from a killer to the woman he has killed, but maybe this is a metaphor for something else. It took me a second read through the poem to get a handle on this situation/speaker. Mostly because the beginning of the poem could be referring to some generic love issue. Let's take a look at the first half, basically:

Today it always seems your caress is so cold.
Careful now you've just slept,
slightly scary now I haven't wept.
We always said it would last forever,
frightening how slightly things seem to sever.
See your eyes are pale and grey,
gravely it seems you've slipped away.

Without knowing what's coming next, this seems like a pretty generic description of a breakup to me. Here's roughly how I read this section the first time I read the poem. She's emotionally cold; the speaker doesn't want to wake her, and feels strange that he hasn't wept, maybe because he is too numb to cry, or because he has cried as much as one can about this failed relationship. The two lovers' relationship was held up by cliches like saying it would last forever. The rest of this quoted section sounds like a meditation on how easy it is for people to drift apart, but how serious that can be (gravely).

After reading the poem again, this section reads sort of like she's literally dead: her caress is cold, "slept" as a metaphor for death, "gravely" as another allusion to death. But this isn't something we can get on one read. And I worry that because it feels a little "general, standard relationship poem" on the first skim or read through that some readers won't want to revisit it and try to parse out what you mean.

I keep wondering: what drives the speaker to kill his lover? Is the ending supposed to be bleak, funny, or both? I feel like I can't get into this guy's mind.

[QDeathstar]

I wrote the first three lines before I knew where the poem was going, an edit is in order.


Thanks for reading it more than once!

---

I am ignorant to the details of different styles of poetry, so i wasn't going for any particular style.

[LorettaYoung]

Dear My Love,

I wrote these words to fill a hole within your soul;
so alone now if truth be told.
Today it always seems your caress is so cold.
Careful now you've just slept,
slightly scary now I haven't wept.
We always said it would last forever,
frightening how slightly things seem to sever.
See your eyes are pale and grey,
gravely it seems you've slipped away.
Awkward to see you limb by limb,
loosely I remember removing them.
Though you'll fit nicely I'm quite sure,
shivering below my freezer's door,
do not knock is all I implore,
or finger by finger I'll settle the score.

---

Hi Q:Love lost and anger; It's not easy to know the "hole" in another person's soul
and L2 seems forced in. L3: "today it always": I think it should be either one; it it today or always. L4-5; what is the significance and relationship between the two. L7 "slightly" I think you could mean easily or quickly; things severed are not "slight". Eyes "pale and grey" do you mean distant. L9-11 I don't understand. I see you effort here; but find choice of words making things unclear. Best, Loretta

[rowens]

I wrote these words to fill a hole within your soul;
so alone now if truth be told.

The second line could be comical. A comical filler line. But it doesn't add much but a rhyme. A song by Pink Floyd does that: The wall was too high/as you can see. As you can see is a bad line. But they get away with it because they're playing instruments.



Today it always seems your caress is so cold.

This line could be comical too. Killers make jokes and say silly things. But they get away with it because they plan on killing you anyway.


Careful now you've just slept,
slightly scary now I haven't wept.
We always said it would last forever,
frightening how slightly things seem to sever.

Why slightly?

See your eyes are pale and grey,
gravely it seems you've slipped away.
Awkward to see you limb by limb,
loosely I remember removing them.
Though you'll fit nicely I'm quite sure,
shivering below my freezer's door,
do not knock is all I implore,
or finger by finger I'll settle the score.

[QDeathstar]

My first edit on this one, tried to fix the first two lines..


Dear My Love,

Even though I have all your heart,
helplessly I fear us falling apart.
Although I might have made a mistake,
my only hope was that you'd wake.
We always said it would last forever,
frightening how sudden things seem to sever.
See your eyes are pale and grey,
gravely it seems you've slipped away.
Awkward to see you limb by limb,
loosely I remember removing them.
Though you'll fit nicely I'm quite sure,
shivering below my freezer's door,
do not knock is all I implore,
or finger by finger I'll settle the score.

[LorettaYoung]

My first edit on this one, tried to fix the first two lines..


Dear My Love,

Even though I have all your heart,
helplessly I fear us falling apart.
Although I might have made a mistake,
my only hope was that you'd wake.
We always said it would last forever,
frightening how sudden things seem to sever.
See your eyes are pale and grey,
gravely it seems you've slipped away.
Awkward to see you limb by limb,
loosely I remember removing them.
Though you'll fit nicely I'm quite sure,
shivering below my freezer's door,
do not knock is all I implore,
or finger by finger I'll settle the score.

---

Hi Q: this has evolved to be bone chilling and spooky. Well done. Best Loretta

[kmatrixg]

Try describing a little more - describe a description.

"The leaf is green, soft and lively."

"With a heavenly shade, the supple leaf dances in the wind."

Don't let your creativity scare you - pour it out everywhere

[QDeathstar]

Thank you for reading but I'm not sure why you are talking about leaves.?

[milo]

Try describing a little more - describe a description.

"The leaf is green, soft and lively."

"With a heavenly shade, the supple leaf dances in the wind."

Don't let your creativity scare you - pour it out everywhere

Poetry has little room for description and description has no place in poetry.

[sandraleigh05]

Although I might have made a mistake ------change to "may" have made a mistake. I love this.