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Jambalaya,
In general center justify is reserved for concrete poetry, as it makes the reading unnecessarily difficult. Some punctuation would also be nice unless the writer has a good rationale for it's non-usage.
"My thoughts are not real, it proposes" <"thoughts> plural, "it" singular>
This is totally confusing. I don't know who is saying what:
"It is me, it confesses" <"it" is "me"> Why not say I confess? Why do you make this more difficult to read. It does not add anything to whatever this is.
If this were like the disease talking to the addict I could understand it some, but it is still to muddled. There are not enough clues as to who is what. "It" needs to be identified for this to make sense. It is unfair to ask the reader to guess.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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I agree that punctuation would make your poiung more clear, but also instead of just using cant, or another verb in various parts, add a subject so we're all aware of what is doing the action
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I assume "it" is your mind at battle with reality. I read this three times. First I was confused. The next time I read it without the 'its' which made more sense. Then I read it again and I got it.
Self conflict is a hard picture to paint, especially when the mind is compromised by the lure of substance.
There are struggles we all can relate to. Keep writing and you will continue to find your flow, I know.
olive_morphia
Unregistered
I like the conversation with "it", or yourself. I agree with other posts, however, that the center justification is kind of unnecessary and makes reading awkward. See below for some comments:
(05-22-2014, 09:42 AM)Jambalaya Wrote: My thoughts are not real, it proposes
Observations should be questioned
Can't make any assumptions
I'm not sweating, it lies
Negativity should be shunted --why "shunted"? not to sound nit-picky, but 'shunted' is kind of a weird word? makes me think of a sword fight or something.
Can't feel embarrassed
I'm getting better, it maintains
I should be glad
Can't be broken
Walk the traveled road, it insists
One should trust others
Can't ignore them
They are calling me names, it claims
I should be taken seriously
Can't let them use me
Screw all of them, it cries out
I should need no one
Can't be dependent on anyone --this line is longer than the rest and therefore sounds chunky and difficult to read
Lets get wasted, it suggests --get wasted? until now, the voice has seemed detached and mature. but here, it sounds like a college kid - which if you are one, that's fine, but the voice is inconsistent.
Should be useful to unwind
Can't let them stress me
It is me, it confesses
Should have me worried
Can't right now --not sure I understand this last stanza...
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