Blanket State

[Bunx]

Original

It happened again,
the worst fear,
minds greatest sin.

Slipping suddenly down
the rabbit hole.
Where wronging oneself
is routine.

Wronging others
something never pleasing.

Locked away behind a teal shirt
and pants. Swallowing little
pink pills.

Each day I see the glass wall
thickening.

I can't speak.
Laughter, a distant memory.
Is this the cost of sanity?

Tears dry up.
Cares seem to simmer away
boiling rapidly before they are gone.

It happened again.
Standing in a daze,
a maze of my own humanity.

[John Galt]

Hiya Bunx, I could not make head nor tail of this poem, the continuity was impossible to follow (for me that is) others may have more luck.

I did find this below intriguing.

Locked away behind a teal shirt
and pants. Swallowing little
pink pills.

JG

[rowens]

Tears dry up.
Cares seem to simmer away
boiling rapidly before they are gone.

That seems the best bit. The rest of the poem is necessary in making it the best bit, and I like the dryness of the whole thing. It just seems real, the metaphors don't seem like metaphors, and I like that quality. The "minds" in the first stanza might need something, but that depends.

[RiverNotch]

The "Tears dry up" stanza feels off. At first the poem seems to show the speaker's isolation after confirming to society's expectations of sanity (best highlighted by the fourth stanza), but then, by that stanza, it suddenly transitions to some sort of glimmer of light (the stanza easily connoted a scenario wherein the speaker was sent to some tearless, carefree paradise) before concluding the full depth of the speaker's earlier point("a maze of my own humanity" being a statement of the completeness of the speaker's isolation): it seems to add a change of direction that's never really merited. But other than that stanza, the whole poem feels heavy on the mind (in a good way); it seems to force into its readers a mood of contemplation, especially with regards to madness and its relationship with social conformity.

[Bunx]

thanks for the feed back! the poem can use a little tinkering.
@RiverNotch- which stanzas do you feel give the reader a sense of hope
@rowens- thanks for the feedback. it is the first poem i have written in a while, i am glad it doesn't completely stink. ill tinker around with the first stanza and see if i can come up with something a little less akward

[ConflictRatio]

I get a strong sense of a drug intoxicated schizophrenic for this poem. For The first 2 stanzas, I feel the speaker was on a drug binge before in their life but has been off of it for a while up until now. I feel you went literal with the 3rd stanza but that is actually good because you give the reader more of an idea. The one thing that I didn't like in the poem was the line, "Swallowing little pink pills." This is either very literal or a very broad idea. Either, the speaker is on drugs, or is relating what they have been dealing with recently with drugs. I'm gonna guess that it is literal. If it isn't literal, don't take any offense. 5th stanza, I feel the speaker can break through this terrible mess they're dealing with but they choose not to and their chances of getting out are getting more slim because the wall is getting thicker. I found the 5th stanza to be the greatest part of the poem and it truly is great.

[RiverNotch]

The "Tears Dry Up" stanza. The statement "Cares seem to simmer away, boiling rapidly before they are gone." feel quite hopeful... something that I think doesn't really fit with the bleakness of the rest of the poem.

[Bunx]

Conflict. You are spot on. In the 4th stanza I hope to make it clear that the drugs the subject is taking are psychotropic.

[RiverNotch]

I get a strong sense of a drug intoxicated schizophrenic for this poem. For The first 2 stanzas, I feel the speaker was on a drug binge before in their life but has been off of it for a while up until now. I feel you went literal with the 3rd stanza but that is actually good because you give the reader more of an idea. The one thing that I didn't like in the poem was the line, "Swallowing little pink pills." This is either very literal or a very broad idea. Either, the speaker is on drugs, or is relating what they have been dealing with recently with drugs. I'm gonna guess that it is literal. If it isn't literal, don't take any offense. 5th stanza, I feel the speaker can break through this terrible mess they're dealing with but they choose not to and their chances of getting out are getting more slim because the wall is getting thicker. I found the 5th stanza to be the greatest part of the poem and it truly is great.

Conflict here articulated what I got from your poem near perfectly, except for the schizophrenic part. I didn't think the speaker's 'disease' was schizophrenia, more like manic-depression or something, but that's out of the question.
Anyway, I think the bifurcation of the abstract and concrete in the fourth stanza needn't be changed: the way that the poem suddenly suggests the very literal condition of the speaker gives this sudden clarity to the reader's view that sparks in the reader a sense of intrigue; it's that bit that makes the reader really reevaluate the meaning of the poem and whatever it's trying to say. So, yeah, a counterpoint to what Conflict here said.
If you're gonna alter the poem with respect to the schizophrenia thing, though, I suggest not making the suggestion of schizophrenia too literal: make the speaker's disease feel more like a general condition, an unnamed, anything-goes mental illness. That'd make the poem more universal, provoking a wider field of thoughts.

[Bunx]

I don't think the poem will be altered. Also it would be a number of mental illness the subject carries. I agree that the vagueness of the poem may appeal to a broader audience.

[Bunx]

Whoops reposted the poem