Finitude- poem

[Nbafan]

Just a poem I wrote. It's definitely rough and unpolished. Any thoughts are appreciated!

Finitude

Above a freeway I stand—
281 to be exact—
Watching dozens of bright lights
approach and pass.

It’s mid-April now,
It’s been four months,
And yet the pain
does not fade.

I want it to end
But know it won’t
and against my will
fresh tears begin anew.

I edge forward,
Ready to embrace my finiteness
But an image of you supplants itself
within my mind.

And I step away
And realize that
despite my sorrow,
despite my pain,

You make my life
worth living.

[TheDoctorCam]

Above a freeway I stand— This just sounds a bit awkward structurally. I would prefer the poem bringing the reader in with imagery, letting the reader know that the narrator is above the freeway without saying it. Remember, show, don't tell.
281 to be exact—
watching dozens of bright lights
approach and pass.

It’s mid-April now,
it’s been four months,
the pain does not fade. I didn't think the "and" or the "yet" were that essential

I want it to end
But know it won’t
and against my will,
fresh tears begin anew.

I edge forward,
ready to embrace my finiteness,
then an image of you supplants itself think "then" works better
in my mind.

And I step away,
realizing that
despite my sorrow,
despite my pain,

You make my life


You mentioned that this is rough and unpolished so I didn't want to go crazy on edits. I primarily looked at simple structure things and stuff in my quick edit above. I don't really like going through line by line and making harsh edits because this is novice critic and I think you should shape the poem, not me. As said over and over on this website (or any poetry forum/class for that matter), avoid clichés. The last line is a bit cringe worthy, that is a strong emotion and feeling to have, but it can be poetically explained much better and has been explained better. Let the reader in and don't veil this story so much, why is this person the essence of this persons life? This poem may make perfect sense to you, but to your reader, it comes across a bit vague.

I'm not much of the critic but I thought maybe that would help you out a bit! Hopeless love can make for a great poem if written well, you can do it.

Cheers and take care.

Cameron Stacy

[Erthona]

Above a freeway I stand—
281 to be exact—



Watching dozens of bright lights
approach and pass.
It’s mid-April now,
It’s been four months,
And yet the pain
does not fade.
I want it to end
But know it won’t
and against my will
fresh tears begin anew.
I edge forward,
Ready to embrace my finiteness ,

Maybe "finiteness" just seems to stick in the mouth. The above is not a suggestion, just an example of how you might change it.

But an image of you supplants itself
within my mind.
And I step away
And realize that
despite my sorrow,
despite my pain,
You make my life
worth living.

edit last four lines.

"I step away
realizing that
despite my sorrow,
and my pain,
you make my life
worth living."

There is really nothing that is original here, except "HWY 281", I like that part. I wish there was more observation about the surrounding than just this self obsessed monologue. If you create an external world that is real, it makes your internal monologue more immediate and serious.

Best,


Dale

[aerickson]

Just a poem I wrote. It's definitely rough and unpolished. Any thoughts are appreciated!

Finitude

Above a freeway I stand— Maybe instead: I stand above a freeway
281 to be exact— To be exact seems like weird wording. Why would the reader care what highway exactly?
Watching dozens of bright lights
approach and pass.I feel like the imagery here could go further and would fit with your sense of helplessness - like the world is just passing you by, oblivious to your pain

It’s mid-April now, Mid takes away from the feel - just plain April works fine
It’s been four months,
And yet the pain
does not fade. I would say "will not fade" fits with your next line of wanting it to end, but it just won't! Like you're trying to make it fade...

I want it to end
ButI know it won’t
and against my will
fresh tears begin anew. cliche, maybe say: my cheeks are wet again or something like that - better imagery anyway

I edge forward,
Ready to embrace my finitenessThis and the next line are suddenly so long compared to the others - need rephrasing
But an image of you supplants itself
within my mind.

And I step away
And realize that
despite my sorrow,
despite my pain,

You make my life
worth living.sorta cliche

You have some punctuation and capitalizing problems to fix. I like it, though. I like how it flows form sorrow to hope.

[Caleb Murdock]

Just curious, what is the speaker's sorrow about? The loss of love? Or the loss of a loved one to death.

If this is from real life, I'm glad that you didn't embrace your "finiteness", a phrase which I find compelling.

[Nbafan]

Just curious, what is the speaker's sorrow about? The loss of love? Or the loss of a loved one to death.

If this is from real life, I'm glad that you didn't embrace your "finiteness", a phrase which I find compelling.

Hi Caleb,

A girl- a frustrating relationship or, in actuality, a relationship that hasn't begun. Essentially, getting stuck as a 'best friend.'

And yes, it is from real life. Recent life.

Best,

Will

---

Hi all,
I am so sorry for not responding until now. I have been very busy with studies. Tests, papers, etc. I really appreciate all the excellent feedback you have provided- I have reworked certain parts of the poem and believe it helped, so thanks! The end, I know its a cliche but I am still not sure what to do about it, so I have left it the same. Hopefully this revised version actually is better:

Finitude

I stand above Highway 281,
watching bright lights
approach and pass
Blurred by a veil of tears.

It’s April now,
It’s been four months,
and yet the pain
will not fade.

I want it to end
but know it won’t.
Not by Life,
only by Death.

Just as each day must
have its dawn,
so too each day must
have its dusk.

I edge forward,
step upon the ledge,
ready to embrace
my finiteness.

But an image of you
forms itself within
my feeble mind.
Flawed perfection.

And I step away
and realize that
despite my sorrow,
despite my pain,

You make my life
worth living.

[ChristopherSea]

The suicide balk is not very convincing (most suicide contemplations aren't). The same thing goes for the idea that someone you have broken up with still makes life work living. I would find some other reason for that. Some hot gal in a sports car or some beauty of nature drawing your attention. I just noticed your revision as I type this. It is best to post your newest edit above the original so that both you and the reader can watch the progression. It still lacks the motivation in my opinion. I would elaborate on the cause and tie up the resolution with a better excuse to go on living. Perhaps have a squirrel get hit by a car to snap your narrator out of it. Good luck with your edit./Chris