Monster (For a song)

[California]

Hey everyone! These are lyrics for a song by my rock band. I need criticism as I am not and English-speaker. Here is the song:




Monster

Years went by as he
lead his steady
life
and never used to cry
in labour and prayer
But peace has faded
away as far
as only child had drown in
a lake,
as mother went insane
Strong faith
let get through

Winter came, so many candles were burnt
In a haze
In a grind
forced pain out
Despite nasty taste stayed inside,
alloyed their rage
with hoodoo
monster was born

He lost his faith then
lost his wife in
a fire
and emptiness inside
filled with real God
Rejuvenated man
fronts Lord,
throws out the body from its
hearse,
claims to resurrect
All in vain
From despair he runs away
To find his end

[Erthona]

Sounds like Alice Cooper and Jethro Tull had a baby. As I can't understand the words when you're singing, I'm not sure that it matters. The words as read make little sense, phrases such as:

Rejuvenated man fronts Lord,

alloyed their rage with hoodoo monster was born

But peace has faded away as far as only child had drown in a lake

are basically senseless, but then so are a lot of lyrics. Kind of seems like a distorted retelling of "The Abominable Dr. Phibes".


Best,


Dale

[ChristopherSea]

Sounds like Alice Cooper and Jethro Tull had a baby. As I can't understand the words when you're singing, I'm not sure that it matters. The words as read make little sense, phrases such as:

Rejuvenated man fronts Lord,

alloyed their rage with hoodoo monster was born

But peace has faded away as far as only child had drown in a lake

are basically senseless, but then so are a lot of lyrics. Kind of seems like a distorted retelling of "The Abominable Dr. Phibes".


Best,


Dale

Hey, 'The Abominable Dr. Phibes' was a great horror classic and worthy of song lyrics. Give it a shot.

[California]

Sounds like Alice Cooper and Jethro Tull had a baby. As I can't understand the words when you're singing, I'm not sure that it matters. The words as read make little sense

Actually this is really a distorted retelling but of another story and I realize that outside the context it's extremely brief and so very unclear.

Is singing so incomprehensible? Is it that bad?)

Are those highlighted phrases make no sense in context or even outside the context they constructed incorrect and absolutely senseless?

Thanks for feedback!

[Erthona]

You don't sing much more unclearly than a lot of rock and rollers, maybe even more clearly than some, but yeah the distortion is fairly high on the vocals. It seems to me you have a good voice, it is strong breath wise, and has good vibrancy, so no, it is not that you are a bad singer per se, but between the problems with your lyrics and the distortion in the vocals it is not clear. even if you sang every word in the lyrics clearly it wouldn't matter. In terms of do they make sense in context, I have no idea what the context is, but no, they don't make sense in or out of context. I suspect they are structured incorrectly as I can get little sense from them, but English is a high idiomatic language, so it is difficult because things do not translate literally. I think that you are probably having problems with the idioms which is not unusual. I am guessing you are Asian, probably Japanese, could be Chinese, but probably more likely Pacific Rim if not Japanese. Not a speaker of Hindi I think, they also have idiomatic problems, but different ones. Let me know how far off I am. It's been a long time since I worked with ESL students, so I've sort of lost my ear for it.

Best

Dale

[Burlesque3Rogue]

Hey everyone! These are lyrics for a song by my rock band. I need criticism as I am not and English-speaker. You can find its rhythm odd while reading, so here is the link to an mp3 file, where you can hear me singing it:

link removed

Monster

Years went by as he
lead his steady
life
and never used to cry
in labour and prayer
But peace has faded
away as far
as only child had drown in
a lake,
as mother went insane
Strong faith
let get through

Winter came, so many candles were burnt
In a haze
In a grind
forced pain out
Despite nasty taste stayed inside,
alloyed their rage
with hoodoo
monster was born

He lost his faith then
lost his wife in
a fire
and emptiness inside
filled with real God
Rejuvenated man
fronts Lord,
throws out the body from its
hearse,
claims to resurrect
All in vain
From despair he runs away
To find his end

I'm afraid I can't listen to it however I'll do what I can for the lyrics(keeping the syllable count the same so that it still fits)

"His only child had drowned in
a lake,
as mother went insane"


I'm not entirely sure what

filled with real God
Rejuvenated man
fronts Lord,

Means, I think something got lost in translation. Maybe clear that up a little bit more.

Over all I think it has wonderful potential to be a really good song.

I hope to see more of it

Xx

[milo]

Hey everyone! These are lyrics for a song by my rock band. I need criticism as I am not and English-speaker. You can find its rhythm odd while reading, so here is the link to an mp3 file, where you can hear me singing it:

link removed

Monster

Years went by as he
lead his steady
life
and never used to cry
in labour and prayer
But peace has faded
away as far
as only child had drown in
a lake,
as mother went insane
Strong faith
let get through

Winter came, so many candles were burnt
In a haze
In a grind
forced pain out
Despite nasty taste stayed inside,
alloyed their rage
with hoodoo
monster was born

He lost his faith then
lost his wife in
a fire
and emptiness inside
filled with real God
Rejuvenated man
fronts Lord,
throws out the body from its
hearse,
claims to resurrect
All in vain
From despair he runs away
To find his end

link removed. Please follow instructions for posting audio files. no links in the critical forums.

[California]

I'm afraid I can't listen to it however I'll do what I can for the lyrics(keeping the syllable count the same so that it still fits)

"His only child had drowned in
a lake,
as mother went insane"

Thank you for warm words! I attached the song to my post and I hope I did it legally, so you now can listen to it=)

I used "as far as" incorrectly. The whole sentence is (I corrected it): But peace has faded away just as his only child had drown in a lake, his mother (child's mother) went insane.

Can I use "just as" here? I am not sure if it is OK to use "his child" - meaning main character's child and then "his mother" - meaning child's mother. It's an assumption to fit the song's rhythm.

I'm not entirely sure what

filled with real God
Rejuvenated man
fronts Lord,

Means, I think something got lost in translation. Maybe clear that up a little bit more.

The whole sentence is: "Emptiness inside filled with real God. Rejuvenated man fronts Lord".
He feels so exhausted and when he gets to the end of his tether he feels powerful serge of energy which he takes for "real God". He decides to oppose (in my text - "front") Lord (in this context - religion) and to work a miracle - resurrect dead man, but fails.

---

Let me know how far off I am.

I'm from Moscow, Russia=) Can you please help me to reconstruct those phrases?

Rejuvenated man fronts Lord - the character feels a surge of energy, he almost feels himself God and decides to oppose "Lord" (God he used to believe in when he was religious)

alloyed their rage with hoodoo monster was born - the character and his wife felt rage (synonyms - fury, frenzy, raving) (in fact his wife was mad) and they considered their life as failure, misfortune (in my text -hoodoo). In combination of those they had a baby who in fact was the Monster

But peace has faded away as far as only child had drown in a lake - I reviewed this line and came up with "But peace has faded away just as his only child had drown in a lake"

[Erthona]

I'm from Moscow, Russia=) Can you please help me to reconstruct those phrases?

Well as they have to fit the song...

Rejuvenated man fronts Lord - the character feels a surge of energy, he almost feels himself God and decides to oppose "Lord" (God he used to believe in when he was religious)

A re-energized man confronts God.

alloyed their rage with hoodoo monster was born - the character and his wife felt rage (synonyms - fury, frenzy, raving) (in fact his wife was mad) and they considered their life as failure, misfortune (in my text -hoodoo). In combination of those they had a baby who in fact was the Monster

quieted their rage when... I would probably use the more common "voodoo" instead of "hoodoo". I think the problem here is that the idea is not expressed clearly. Do you mean that the baby brought them bad luck? Why is the baby a monster. Is the baby a bad luck monster? Are you sure "monster" is the correct word. I can maybe see "bad luck baby" although the explanation why never arises, or even voodoo baby, but "Voodoo Monster baby"? Currently it ends up being either silly or senseless, if not both.

But peace has faded away as far as only child had drown in a lake - I reviewed this line and came up with "But peace has faded away just as his only child had drown in a lake"
[/quote] That's probably OK as is.

Best of luck,

Dale

[Thoughtjotter]

It is easier to add lyrics to music than forcing sound into the lyrics, most of the time. But I would be glad to offer some help if I may. It is something I enjoy doing.
I will place the lyrics side by side and you can change them to fit your song as you need or want.
You have a good sound, KEEP ON ROCKING, and don't let anyone steal your Dream!

Monster
verse:1
Years went by as he-----------------------------------------years went by as he
lead his steady------------------------------------------------led his family
life-------------------------------------------------------------------life
and never used to cry--------------------------------------had never cried before,
in labour and prayer----------------------------------------laboring in prayer
But peace has faded----------------------------------------now hope has been
away as far------------------------------------------------------washed away
as only child had drown in-----------------------------by a cold and dismal
a lake,-------------------------------------------------------------rain
as mother went insane------------------------------------his only child has drowned
Strong faith----------------------------------------------------and the mother went insane
let get through------------------------------------------------
chorus
Winter came, so many candles were burnt------Winter came, many candles
In a haze---------------------------------------------------------burned, in the haze
In a grind-------------------------------------------------------there was no one
forced pain out----------------------------------------------left to mourn
Despite nasty taste stayed inside,------------------from the bitter taste of
alloyed their rage------------------------------------------blood and rage
with hoodoo--------------------------------------------------"The Hoodoo
monster was born-----------------------------------------Beast was Born

He lost his faith then------------------------------------- verse:2
lost his wife in---------------------------------------------He lost his faith to hell
a fire------------------------------------------------------------lost his wife to fire
and emptiness inside----------------------------------so filled with emptiness
filled with real God--------------------------------------no room left for God
Rejuvenated man----------------------------------------threw his soul from
fronts Lord,------------------------------------------------his body
throws out the body from its-----------------------threw his body from
hearse,-------------------------------------------------------the hearse
claims to resurrect-------------------------------------refused the resurrection
All in vain--------------------------------------------------then rang the final
From despair he runs away ----------------------- Bell
repeat chorus

[JakMak]

arrrgggghhhh!!!! where's the musics that go with the post, how can we accurately help him with revision if we can't hear the beat? the riffs? the reverberating madness of percussion? in english or wookie, it's hard to help a man write lyrics without the rhythm...

there is a line i like though... filled with real God, rejuvenated man confronts the Lord... the rest sounds like Cannibal Korpse or thrash/death metal groups who were always on our bill... anways, good luck, and may the force be with you