I've not yet decided on a title

[Burlesque3Rogue]

Empty idols,
Built to be as big as the gods themselves.
Standing amongst the sacrifices of the blind, deaf and dumb.
Seek yea first the kingdom of the hypocrite and all these things shall be added unto you;

Bitterness,

Resentment,

Bigotry,

Intolerance.

Countless lives are built upon a cornerstone of fear,
And you add to it day by day
Until you've convinced yourself of the sanctity of the tormented life.

You punish yourselves till joy itself feels like a sin
Turning each pleasure into a labour of unrequited love.

Embittered by it you seek and destroy the hopes of others,
Illustrating your fear of fire and brimstone
You suffocate the world of all its treasures
Until hell itself seems like a paradise.

If half the time spent looking for evil was spent looking for god
Maybe I would still have faith.

[Erthona]

Personally and usually general/standard usage a single "God" is capitalized and multiple "gods" are not. To me this seems a petty swipe at "God", when the poem is about witch hunts and hypocrisy.

As cornerstone can not be plural as only one exists in each structure. I would suggest:

"You build your lives upon the cornerstone of fear,
building on it day by day:
Bitterness,
Resentment,
Bigotry,
Intolerance."

This continues your metaphor of cornerstone=fear. And what stones go on top of the cornerstone of fear?

I really like "pleasure into a labour of unrequited love" but it is nearly thrown away because of what comes before it. "martyr" is difficult in the mouth and also on the eyes, plus it is ambiguous. "Punish"

"You punish yourselves until joy feels like sin,
turning pleasure into a labour of unrequited love."

I like the last two lines, but mostly throughout the poem you could throttle back on the vitriol a tad, and go for a, probably not an even handed, but a slightly more objective treatment, if not you will seem as guilty of preaching as those you condemn.

Best,


Dale

BTW I did not choose the tagline next to my avatar and under my name.

[Burlesque3Rogue]

Personally and usually general/standard usage a single "God" is capitalized and multiple "gods" are not. To me this seems a petty swipe at "God", when the poem is about witch hunts and hypocrisy.

As cornerstone can not be plural as only one exists in each structure. I would suggest:

"You build your lives upon the cornerstone of fear,
building on it day by day:
Bitterness,
Resentment,
Bigotry,
Intolerance."

This continues your metaphor of cornerstone=fear. And what stones go on top of the cornerstone of fear?

I really like "pleasure into a labour of unrequited love" but it is nearly thrown away because of what comes before it. "martyr" is difficult in the mouth and also on the eyes, plus it is ambiguous. "Punish"

"You punish yourselves until joy feels like sin,
turning pleasure into a labour of unrequited love."

I like the last two lines, but mostly throughout the poem you could throttle back on the vitriol a tad, and go for a, probably not an even handed, but a slightly more objective treatment, if not you will seem as guilty of preaching as those you condemn.

Best,


Dale

BTW I did not choose the tagline next to my avatar and under my name.

Thank you very much.

In the original it was 'gods' not God, that was a typo brought on by the tiny keyboard on my blackberry.

Thank you for your critique, you're right on all points.

Please don't feel as if you're going to insult me, I've been writing for less than three months, I know I know nothing and its only through the feedback of those with more experience that I'll properly learn.

[JakMak]

Hold back on the vitriol? No way! This shit has TEETH!!!! This is writing that burns with the passion of conviction, flames fanned by personal experience of these atrocities and injustices, and fueled by the loss of one's faith. This isn't an informative piece of work, this is meant for the eyes it is about, to sting and anger them. This is a direct assault, an expression of defiance, and meant to provoke feeling. Vitriolic and serrated, violently reaching in, and tearing open on its way out.
The purpose of poetry, of art, is to evoke emotion, to make us feel. Whether it's a subtle feeling that slowly sinks in over a period of time, sweetening in our hearts and minds each time we think of it; or a smack in the face that says "wake up, this is sick, this is real, this is how I feel." For the purpose of eliciting emotion, you're bullseye. "Suffocating the world of all it's treasures" I really like that. The last two lines are powerful, they make it personal, and pull the reader into not just what you think, but how you FEEL and why. I find it intelligent, we'll written and powerful...
One thing I don't understand, why a beach resort, why not play on biblical aspects like Eden, or paradise. The beach resort kinda cheapens it for me. I like the 'gods themselves' bit, it hints both to an attack on all organized religion, as well as how the people who preach in the One God, act as if they are themselves God. I myself do believe in a universal consciousness, but religion is a plague. For your first piece it was well aimed, strongly felt, and a great beginning. As for the form of it, punctuation, all of that; I don't know. I write lyrics. This poetry biz is new. Welcome to the world of writing.

[tectak]

Empty idols,
Built to be as big as the gods themselves.
Standing amongst the sacrifices of the blind, deaf and dumb.
Seek yea first the kingdom of the hypocrite and all these things shall be added unto you;

Bitterness,

Resentment,

Bigotry,

Intolerance.

You build your lives upon a cornerstone of fear,
Adding to it day by day
Until you've convinced yourself of the sanctity of the tormented life.

You punish yourselves till joy itself feels like a sin
Turning each pleasure into a labour of unrequited love.

Embittered by it you seek and destroy the hopes of others,
Illustrating your fear of fire and brimstone
You suffocate the world of all its treasures
Until hell itself seems like a beach resort.

If half the time spent looking for evil was spent looking for god
Maybe I would still have faith.

Hi,
There is so little wrong with this as a concept that, though very common as an outrage, any crit must be tempered by the absolute pre-requisite to get everything else right. So "Seek ye(not yea)" is not contextually apposite....and that in spite of any attempt to rhyme with hypocrit(e?).
"You build your.." is incredibly and arrogantly preachy. It only works for deities...so stick with "we build our" or we will not be able to communicate as equals

"You suffocate ( the world ) of..." is, as you can no doubt see, nonsense. It needs correction and you can do it. Do not be fooled by flatterers who see merit in mediocrity.
Though you sling cliches about like elementary particles in a collider, as soon as you show originality (the beach resort thing) you are doomed because you slip out of time and the warp shows. The last sentence of mine is of matching metaphors. Time,warps, elementary particles, collider....so to go from gods, sanctity, fire and brimstone in to "beach resorts" is a bit of a quantum leap
Overall, you make a good stab at a much abused subject...but I cannot see that you have written anything new. Frankly, I don't think I could either.
Best,
tectak

[Burlesque3Rogue]

Empty idols,
Built to be as big as the gods themselves.
Standing amongst the sacrifices of the blind, deaf and dumb.
Seek yea first the kingdom of the hypocrite and all these things shall be added unto you;

Bitterness,

Resentment,

Bigotry,

Intolerance.

You build your lives upon a cornerstone of fear,
Adding to it day by day
Until you've convinced yourself of the sanctity of the tormented life.

You punish yourselves till joy itself feels like a sin
Turning each pleasure into a labour of unrequited love.

Embittered by it you seek and destroy the hopes of others,
Illustrating your fear of fire and brimstone
You suffocate the world of all its treasures
Until hell itself seems like a beach resort.

If half the time spent looking for evil was spent looking for god
Maybe I would still have faith.

Hi,
There is so little wrong with this as a concept that, though very common as an outrage, any crit must be tempered by the absolute pre-requisite to get everything else right. So "Seek ye(not yea)" is not contextually apposite....and that in spite of any attempt to rhyme with hypocrit(e?).
"You build your.." is incredibly and arrogantly preachy. It only works for deities...so stick with "we build our" or we will not be able to communicate as equals

"You suffocate ( the world ) of..." is, as you can no doubt see, nonsense. It needs correction and you can do it. Do not be fooled by flatterers who see merit in mediocrity.
Though you sling cliches about like elementary particles in a collider, as soon as you show originality (the beach resort thing) you are doomed because you slip out of time and the warp shows. The last sentence of mine is of matching metaphors. Time,warps, elementary particles, collider....so to go from gods, sanctity, fire and brimstone in to "beach resorts" is a bit of a quantum leap
Overall, you make a good stab at a much abused subject...but I cannot see that you have written anything new. Frankly, I don't think I could either.
Best,
tectak

Thank you very much for your critique.

With regards to seek ye first I was reffering to Matthew 6:33 "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you."

I see what you mean about the beach resort thing, in my defence I was actually sitting on a beach when I wrote this.

I know its not original. I don't think a single original thing has been said or thought (regarding religion) in thousands of years.

Thank you again for the critique.

Xx

---

Hold back on the vitriol? No way! This shit has TEETH!!!! This is writing that burns with the passion of conviction, flames fanned by personal experience of these atrocities and injustices, and fueled by the loss of one's faith. This isn't an informative piece of work, this is meant for the eyes it is about, to sting and anger them. This is a direct assault, an expression of defiance, and meant to provoke feeling. Vitriolic and serrated, violently reaching in, and tearing open on its way out.
The purpose of poetry, of art, is to evoke emotion, to make us feel. Whether it's a subtle feeling that slowly sinks in over a period of time, sweetening in our hearts and minds each time we think of it; or a smack in the face that says "wake up, this is sick, this is real, this is how I feel." For the purpose of eliciting emotion, you're bullseye. "Suffocating the world of all it's treasures" I really like that. The last two lines are powerful, they make it personal, and pull the reader into not just what you think, but how you FEEL and why. I find it intelligent, we'll written and powerful...
One thing I don't understand, why a beach resort, why not play on biblical aspects like Eden, or paradise. The beach resort kinda cheapens it for me. I like the 'gods themselves' bit, it hints both to an attack on all organized religion, as well as how the people who preach in the One God, act as if they are themselves God. I myself do believe in a universal consciousness, but religion is a plague. For your first piece it was well aimed, strongly felt, and a great beginning. As for the form of it, punctuation, all of that; I don't know. I write lyrics. This poetry biz is new. Welcome to the world of writing.

Thank you so much for the critique.

You're describing exactly what I felt as I was writing this.

You're right about the beach resort, I was actually on a beach when I wrote this so I suppose it was a subconscious choice.

Xx

[mickyd]

Well I enjoyed every word , I would love to read any thing you have writing , for me I write for my self , thought's are my best tool , when I put my words together I have no title , that will come when I write a sentence , and though word go click and theres my title , keep writing can't wait to read more .