Poetry Telephone Complete!

[milo]

OMG, mine had no merit????? at last someone with a good eye i have to say their feedback seems to be pretty lacking in general. i'm fine with scathing but i'd love to know how i could make it have a little bit of merit.

it is an unmoderated forum so the feedback comes in all levels. Some is quite good and some is quite bad. Some is quite in the middle.

[billy]

i found it pretty hard to follow the format, but i suppose it could be gotten used too. anyway, it was a good experience and you should be commended for the work sorting it out :J:

[milo]

Seventh Rewrite:

This is probably my favourite of all of the rewrites. The language and sonics are both rich and effortless. Poetic technique is strong throughout.


El coleccionista

I wasn't sure about the title. First I thought it might be a reference to the John Fowles novel. Eventually I settled on the characterization of our narrator's object of desire as a collector in the dating sense.

My friend John says he wants me
to be his wingwoman; he says he's lost

I love how efficient the enjambment is in the first two line. Without the author telling me I know that the narrator is in love with her friend but that he doesn't feel the same. "Lost his head" is a cliché but it squeaks through with our informal voicing.

his head to Sálome and needs my help;
John's lost his head to Sálome, whose voice
is cinnamon rich and warm; he's lost his heart

I wonder if it woudnt be improved by breaking into strophes. A break right after "help" would be nice. "Cinnamon rich" feels a little too poetic for me but I just might getting fussy there. I definitelt feel like the conjunction should go as well as "warm" which adds nothing that rich doesn't. It is strange that "cinnamon rich" makes me see her as a brunette. I don't know that you get away with "lost his heart"

to Sálome, the Amazon who serves the drinks
at Tony's bar, the Hélicon, where grey-draped
caryatids raise potted palms aloft while
dapper little Tony dips and flits between

I am not sure why she is an amazon, perhaps that is research for later. The only thing I can remember about the helicon that might be relevant is the story of echo and narcissus so, this is a poem that can continue to open up layers upon research and further readings. The sonics here are good if perhaps a bit ostentatious.

lace-covered darkwood tables. Tony flicks
a practised chamois cloth at dust, pausing
to converse with regulars or recommend
his favourite from a fragrant range of teas
and gins. Along the bar, on gleaming trays,
a thousand almond leaves are honey glazed;

The last 2 lines here are absolutely beautiful.

they cloy with stickiness. John wants me

"they cloy with . . ." feels clumsy and the repetition of "John wants me " turns what was one cleverness into someone explaining how clever they are.

to talk to Tony, to distract and keep him
sweet, to muse on silverware and curiosities,

"keep him sweet" seems odd and for some reason the conjunction preceding it is extremely annoying

admire the bric-a-brac, the tumbling monkey
in the china cabinet and the desiccated
Persian cat with blue stone eyes. John's

I like the descriptions of the knick knacks, once again I feel like there are opportunities for them to open up with further reading. The linebreak on "John's" seems clumsy, especially considering the concern for linebreaks throughout.

lost his head to Sálome, he thinks my chattering
can deflect Tony's proprietorial look that gathers
Salomé with oddities, dead pets and flightless
concrete angels. John's lost his head to Sálome

The first time I read through this part here was an "aha" moment as I realised Tony was the collector but after re-reading a few times I am no longer sold on that.

who pours the drinks at Tony's bar. Her voice
is warm as cinnamon, her eyes dark as molasses.
We order G&Ts. I talk to Tony, but I watch
as Sálome lifts the gin bottle. Her hands
are square and competent, just like a man's.

Gwyneth Box

It is a nice reveal at the end and it is accomplished effortlessly.

Once again, great fun, thanks for posting.

---

Something I forgot - did you consider la coleccion?

[milo]

Hello trueenigma.
Fourth Rewrite

Songs for Eros

She drew a single breath then closed her eyes.
She hummed the lullaby throughout the night.
Her husband didn't stir, nor would he rise

The line "She drew . . ." doesn't bother me, but when I think of a single breath being drawn and then her humming a lullaby in the very next line, i am perplexed. I think using the /ai/ assonance in both refrains may have been a bit of a mistake especially seeing as how you included some internal rhyme as well. It is odd to switch tense voices within a single line " . . didn't stir, nor would . .". i suppose you were attempting to avoid the repetition but the it accents the fact that "would he" is filler (Her husband didn't stir nor rise).

until the morning. She would then surmise
his passing. Wonder if he dreamed her frights.
She drew a single breath then closed her eyes.

the awkward "She would then" is of course forced by your tense switchings within the stanzas. Part of me thinks it's a neat trick as the villanelle form will now force this to occur again and again, like a time loop or something but if it is deliberate i don't think this poem pulls it off. Also, I don't think there is a way to get away with "She drew a single breath . . " in as a repetend in a narrative as I remember her drawing a breath earlier. If she keeps this up she is likely to asphyxiate!

She sang erotic verses to surprise
him into sight, stood nude by fire light.
Her husband didn't stir, nor would he rise.

I would imagine it is this stanza here that leads to the Salome and Jochanaan later. "into sight" seems wrong. She sees him now, he isn't hiding, he is either sleeping or dead.

She hummed the lullaby and fantasized
him broad awake, eyes wide. To view the sight
she drew a single breath then closed her eyes.

She snuggled close and cried her lullabies.
She mourned him gone and begged that they unite.
Her husband didn't stir, nor would he rise.

She did her sexy dance, erotic cries.
She hummed the lullaby throughout the night.
She drew a single breath then closed her eyes.
her husband didn't stir, nor would he rise.

-Trueenigma

There continues some awkwardness and unlikeliness as well as some rather pronoun heavy verse. I think the idea of this as a villanelle could work.

Thanks for participating.

[Truerenigma]

Hello trueenigma.
Fourth Rewrite

Songs for Eros

She drew a single breath then closed her eyes.
She hummed the lullaby throughout the night.
Her husband didn't stir, nor would he rise

The line "She drew . . ." doesn't bother me, but when I think of a single breath being drawn and then her humming a lullaby in the very next line, i am perplexed. I think using the /ai/ assonance in both refrains may have been a bit of a mistake especially seeing as how you included some internal rhyme as well. It is odd to switch tense voices within a single line " . . didn't stir, nor would . .". i suppose you were attempting to avoid the repetition but the it accents the fact that "would he" is filler (Her husband didn't stir nor rise).

until the morning. She would then surmise
his passing. Wonder if he dreamed her frights.
She drew a single breath then closed her eyes.

the awkward "She would then" is of course forced by your tense switchings within the stanzas. Part of me thinks it's a neat trick as the villanelle form will now force this to occur again and again, like a time loop or something but if it is deliberate i don't think this poem pulls it off. Also, I don't think there is a way to get away with "She drew a single breath . . " in as a repetend in a narrative as I remember her drawing a breath earlier. If she keeps this up she is likely to asphyxiate!

She sang erotic verses to surprise
him into sight, stood nude by fire light.
Her husband didn't stir, nor would he rise.

I would imagine it is this stanza here that leads to the Salome and Jochanaan later. "into sight" seems wrong. She sees him now, he isn't hiding, he is either sleeping or dead.

She hummed the lullaby and fantasized
him broad awake, eyes wide. To view the sight
she drew a single breath then closed her eyes.

She snuggled close and cried her lullabies.
She mourned him gone and begged that they unite.
Her husband didn't stir, nor would he rise.

She did her sexy dance, erotic cries.
She hummed the lullaby throughout the night.
She drew a single breath then closed her eyes.
her husband didn't stir, nor would he rise.

-Trueenigma

There continues some awkwardness and unlikeliness as well as some rather pronoun heavy verse. I think the idea of this as a villanelle could work.

Thanks for participating.

Yeah, almost every line starts on she. I would argue though, that there is no way she could see him, him being an invisible God and all. I'm glad you pointed put what is actually wrong with it, rather than the obvious, (ise and ized aren't precisely the same sound). Now maybe I will try and produce a proper villanelle with it, rather than the tempting monorhyme vill to show that there is no issue with finding rhymes.

[milo]

Hello trueenigma.
Fourth Rewrite

Songs for Eros

She drew a single breath then closed her eyes.
She hummed the lullaby throughout the night.
Her husband didn't stir, nor would he rise

The line "She drew . . ." doesn't bother me, but when I think of a single breath being drawn and then her humming a lullaby in the very next line, i am perplexed. I think using the /ai/ assonance in both refrains may have been a bit of a mistake especially seeing as how you included some internal rhyme as well. It is odd to switch tense voices within a single line " . . didn't stir, nor would . .". i suppose you were attempting to avoid the repetition but the it accents the fact that "would he" is filler (Her husband didn't stir nor rise).

until the morning. She would then surmise
his passing. Wonder if he dreamed her frights.
She drew a single breath then closed her eyes.

the awkward "She would then" is of course forced by your tense switchings within the stanzas. Part of me thinks it's a neat trick as the villanelle form will now force this to occur again and again, like a time loop or something but if it is deliberate i don't think this poem pulls it off. Also, I don't think there is a way to get away with "She drew a single breath . . " in as a repetend in a narrative as I remember her drawing a breath earlier. If she keeps this up she is likely to asphyxiate!

She sang erotic verses to surprise
him into sight, stood nude by fire light.
Her husband didn't stir, nor would he rise.

I would imagine it is this stanza here that leads to the Salome and Jochanaan later. "into sight" seems wrong. She sees him now, he isn't hiding, he is either sleeping or dead.

She hummed the lullaby and fantasized
him broad awake, eyes wide. To view the sight
she drew a single breath then closed her eyes.

She snuggled close and cried her lullabies.
She mourned him gone and begged that they unite.
Her husband didn't stir, nor would he rise.

She did her sexy dance, erotic cries.
She hummed the lullaby throughout the night.
She drew a single breath then closed her eyes.
her husband didn't stir, nor would he rise.

-Trueenigma

There continues some awkwardness and unlikeliness as well as some rather pronoun heavy verse. I think the idea of this as a villanelle could work.

Thanks for participating.

Yeah, almost every line starts on she. I would argue though, that there is no way she could see him, him being an invisible God and all. I'm glad you pointed put what is actually wrong with it, rather than the obvious, (ise and ized aren't precisely the same sound). Now maybe I will try and produce a proper villanelle with it, rather than the tempting monorhyme vill to show that there is no issue with finding rhymes.

Heh - well, if nothing else, that exercise was a reminder why we are the best and fastest growing forum on the internet.

[Gwyneth]

I should note that AAPC participants will be commenting in AAPC here:

https://groups.google.com/forum/?fromgro...c-OOLinhww

Greetings, "milo" et al.

Sorry to be so late in making my appearance here.
I have made a very brief comment on each of the poems over on aapc here:
https://groups.google.com/d/msg/alt.arts...LyaQ8JO2kJ

I will make a few comments here, too, as I see comments on my contribution to the chain.

If I mess up the formatting or whatever, it's because I am a clueless newbie and the forum interface will take some getting used to.

*Thank you*, "milo" for organising this, and general thanks to all who participated.

g.

[ellajam]

I should note that AAPC participants will be commenting in AAPC here:

https://groups.google.com/forum/?fromgro...c-OOLinhww

Greetings, "milo" et al.

Sorry to be so late in making my appearance here.
I have made a very brief comment on each of the poems over on aapc here:
https://groups.google.com/d/msg/alt.arts...LyaQ8JO2kJ

I will make a few comments here, too, as I see comments on my contribution to the chain.

If I mess up the formatting or whatever, it's because I am a clueless newbie and the forum interface will take some getting used to.

*Thank you*, "milo" for organising this, and general thanks to all who participated.

g.

Welcome, and thanks for your notes.

[Truerenigma]

I should note that AAPC participants will be commenting in AAPC here:

https://groups.google.com/forum/?fromgro...c-OOLinhww

Greetings, "milo" et al.

Sorry to be so late in making my appearance here.
I have made a very brief comment on each of the poems over on aapc here:
https://groups.google.com/d/msg/alt.arts...LyaQ8JO2kJ

I will make a few comments here, too, as I see comments on my contribution to the chain.

If I mess up the formatting or whatever, it's because I am a clueless newbie and the forum interface will take some getting used to.

*Thank you*, "milo" for organising this, and general thanks to all who participated.

g.

It is very nice to meet you. Welcome.

[Gwyneth]

Hi Gwyneth Box, and welcome to the site, big thanks for taking part in milo's thread. I chose your poem to give feedback to because it was the one i followed. sorry for the lateness (getting ready for a trip to the uk)

first the title, it works pretty well, it has some ambiguity in that i wondered was salome the collector of men with brocken hearts or was john a collector of women who broke hearts (women being a loosley related word to penis and big hands)
the setting reminds of the bar in the song coco cabana. (it also has a Tony in it)
i like how you open the bar up to us some of the enjambment works for me a small amount doesn't work as well as it should. i think the way you utilise repetition adds to the poem in reinforcing the characters you produce.
all in all, an enjoyable read.

El coleccionista

My friend John says he wants me i liked the enjambment, (so musch so i kept it in mine)
to be his wingwoman; he says he's lost and the reality of not being loved
his head to Sálome and needs my help; didn't think the en-jamb worked as well here
John's lost his head to Sálome, whose voice normally repetition like this doesn't work well enough to use, here it does succeed, it shows us that apart from being an idiot in love, he's an idiot who knows he's screwed before he starts
is cinnamon rich and warm; he's lost his heart
to Sálome, the Amazon who serves the drinks this is my favourite line though i'm not sure why? juxtaposing a name like salome with amazon i guess
at Tony's bar, the Hélicon, where grey-draped this line made me work a bit harder than the others. it may have been [helicon] or the enjambment, or both, i'm not sure.
caryatids raise potted palms aloft while
dapper little Tony dips and flits between
lace-covered darkwood tables. Tony flicks flicks and flits is almost perfect
a practised chamois cloth at dust, pausing again, the en-jamb that leads to this line is excellent
to converse with regulars or recommend
his favourite from a fragrant range of teas
and gins. Along the bar, on gleaming trays,
a thousand almond leaves are honey glazed;
they cloy with stickiness. John wants me
to talk to Tony, to distract and keep him
sweet, to muse on silverware and curiosities,
admire the bric-a-brac, the tumbling monkey
in the china cabinet and the desiccated
Persian cat with blue stone eyes. John's
lost his head to Sálome, he thinks my chattering
can deflect Tony's proprietorial look that gathers
Salomé with oddities, dead pets and flightless
concrete angels. John's lost his head to Sálome
who pours the drinks at Tony's bar. Her voice
is warm as cinnamon, her eyes dark as molasses.
We order G&Ts. I talk to Tony, but I watch
as Sálome lifts the gin bottle. Her hands
are square and competent, just like a man's.
from my last comment to here there is some fine narrative that wraps the reader in the actual bar. the twist wasn't expected and does finish the poem off with a bang
Gwyneth Box

Hi Billy,

Not quite sure how quoting within quotes works here, so will stick all my reply here at the end.

*thanks* for your welcome and your comments. Hope your UK trip went well.

The coleccionista is really Tony, who collects all kinds of oddities. (Including odd barstaff.) But I'm not bothered if it is ambiguous.

Interesting that you particularly liked the Amazon line - it's been criticised elsewhere as it's the wrong mythology, but there's enough of a mix of styles of bric-a-brac in the bar that I thought a mix of styles in mythologies might work, too. I hoped the term Amazon might also hint at a slightly oversized female. (Also one who'd undergone breast surgery, perhaps, though Salomé presumably had hormone treatment and silicon implants rather than a mastectomy.)

I may have to find an alternative to Hélicon as it's not been popular.

I'm going to go back and look again at the piece in the light of all the comments, so will re-jig some of the enjambments.

Your re-write was really useful, too: it showed me what had been understood or inferred, which was tremendously helpful.

*Thanks*

g.

(edited to remove what should never have been posted in this reply.)

[Gwyneth]

Hi, "milo".
I posted this last night and it seemed to be posted in the wrong place so I removed it. Twice.
If it ends up in the wrong place again, it can jolly well stay there!!
(It may be my misunderstanding the threading, of course.)

I can't suss out the quotes within quotes, so have gone with bolding my replies. Hope that will work.

Seventh Rewrite:

This is probably my favourite of all of the rewrites. The language and sonics are both rich and effortless. Poetic technique is strong throughout.

*Thanks.* I admit I think it's worth working on it some more and was amazed how much I achieved in the time.


El coleccionista

I wasn't sure about the title. First I thought it might be a reference to the John Fowles novel. Eventually I settled on the characterization of our narrator's object of desire as a collector in the dating sense.

Actually I intended Tony as a collector of oddities. John should have realised that even the bar staff would be part of the collection.

My friend John says he wants me
to be his wingwoman; he says he's lost

I love how efficient the enjambment is in the first two line. Without the author telling me I know that the narrator is in love with her friend but that he doesn't feel the same. "Lost his head" is a cliché but it squeaks through with our informal voicing.

I don't know if I had realised that she was in love with John, but I think you may be right, though I think she has resigned herself to life in the friendzone.
"lost his head" is a pun that had to be made with John and Salomé.

his head to Sálome and needs my help;
John's lost his head to Sálome, whose voice
is cinnamon rich and warm; he's lost his heart

I wonder if it woudnt be improved by breaking into strophes. A break right after "help" would be nice. "Cinnamon rich" feels a little too poetic for me but I just might getting fussy there. I definitelt feel like the conjunction should go as well as "warm" which adds nothing that rich doesn't. It is strange that "cinnamon rich" makes me see her as a brunette. I don't know that you get away with "lost his heart"

I am working on the format and see that the first three and last three lines need to be split off from the rest. I'm not sure about how much more I want to split it, though there's a natural point at "stickiness" which is almost halfway and creates two fairly balanced pieces.

I, too, think of "cinnamon" as implying brunette or olive skinned.

Not sure whether I'm ditching "warm" as I use it again right at the end: this will depend on formatting and how much repetition/balance I achieve.

Yep. "lost his heart" is cliché.

to Sálome, the Amazon who serves the drinks
at Tony's bar, the Hélicon, where grey-draped
caryatids raise potted palms aloft while
dapper little Tony dips and flits between

I am not sure why she is an amazon, perhaps that is research for later. The only thing I can remember about the helicon that might be relevant is the story of echo and narcissus so, this is a poem that can continue to open up layers upon research and further readings. The sonics here are good if perhaps a bit ostentatious.

"Amazon" - answered elsewhere.
"Helicón" - for sound and metre as I don't want to use the real (Greek) name of the bar that inspired the images. Also I think it was home of the Muses, who presumably brought me the ideas for the poem.
As for sonics, I never know where the acceptable limit is.

lace-covered darkwood tables. Tony flicks
a practised chamois cloth at dust, pausing
to converse with regulars or recommend
his favourite from a fragrant range of teas
and gins. Along the bar, on gleaming trays,
a thousand almond leaves are honey glazed;

The last 2 lines here are absolutely beautiful.

Thank you. It was kind of a mix of Arab-style honey and almond pastries and Spanish mil hojas

they cloy with stickiness. John wants me

"they cloy with . . ." feels clumsy and the repetition of "John wants me " turns what was one cleverness into someone explaining how clever they are.

Will reconsider - although this is what I think of as the start of the second part of the piece and I do want some deliberate repeitition.

to talk to Tony, to distract and keep him
sweet, to muse on silverware and curiosities,

"keep him sweet" seems odd and for some reason the conjunction preceding it is extremely annoying

I hoped I could riff on the sweet pastries and sweet-talking. Not sure why the conjunction would annoy, but fair enough.

admire the bric-a-brac, the tumbling monkey
in the china cabinet and the desiccated
Persian cat with blue stone eyes. John's

I like the descriptions of the knick knacks, once again I feel like there are opportunities for them to open up with further reading. The linebreak on "John's" seems clumsy, especially considering the concern for linebreaks throughout.

I should probably see what deeper meanings I can hide in the china cabinet when I revise. Agree about the linebreak

lost his head to Sálome, he thinks my chattering
can deflect Tony's proprietorial look that gathers
Salomé with oddities, dead pets and flightless
concrete angels. John's lost his head to Sálome

The first time I read through this part here was an "aha" moment as I realised Tony was the collector but after re-reading a few times I am no longer sold on that.

You were right first time!

who pours the drinks at Tony's bar. Her voice
is warm as cinnamon, her eyes dark as molasses.
We order G&Ts. I talk to Tony, but I watch
as Sálome lifts the gin bottle. Her hands
are square and competent, just like a man's.

Gwyneth Box

It is a nice reveal at the end and it is accomplished effortlessly.

Thank you.

Once again, great fun, thanks for posting.

Thanks for organising the whole thing and specifically for the comments here.

---

Something I forgot - did you consider la coleccion?

Hmm. I didn't. I am not sure why, but el coleccionista just seems right to me. It is the Spanish title of the Fowles novel, but I'm not sure I had that in mind.

Thanks again.

g.

[milo]

---

Something I forgot - did you consider la coleccion?

Hmm. I didn't. I am not sure why, but el coleccionista just seems right to me. It is the Spanish title of the Fowles novel, but I'm not sure I had that in mind.

Thanks again.

g.

I wanted to comment on the part about the title again as I don't think i conveyed what I meant properly.

Currently, the title is The Collector (in English anyway) which makes the poem about Tony, someone who really isn't front and center. Titled as The Collection (la coleccion) it becomes a poem about the collection of oddities which (in my reading) now includes Tony and in a way now John and the narrator! (of course coleccionista sounds better.)

Anyway, just something more to consider.

[Leanne]

Gwyneth, welcome to the Pigpen! I must say I read your beautifully measured critique with a smile on my face because while I don't agree with all your points, but I do most certainly agree with your commitment to editing and improvement of your own work and that of others.

I didn't participate in the telephone (ask milo -- I do not play well with others), but I've kept a close eye on its progression and was very pleased to see forum members intermingling in a celebration of poetry.

[Erthona]

...well now I've read though this great glob of quotes on quotes and comments on comments I'd like to offer two observations as I feel I've earned it now, that is should we do this again type observations, also known in some regions as suggestions, but I would not be so bold as to offer suggestions, so I will only offer observations: they are two:

1. Regarding content: It appeared that not everyone was playing by the same rules, and I know I was uncertain exactly as to what they were, so I took my cue from the game itself, where you repeat what you heard with the idea that it will become somewhat muddled in the telling, but you don't just take the last telling as a springboard for a completely different story as did the one that followed me. I'm not saying the were wrong, or I was right, however I'm fairly certain I could have put forth a better effort had I not written under the (self-imposed) constraints, as the person did who followed. If a person is allowed to write practically anything they wish then this should not be called "poetry telephone". I'm not saying this because I am trying to win. It's about fairness and playing by the same rules. If it were only me I wouldn't say anything, but as I read through the comments this idea about playing by the same rules seem to come up often, and that is simply human nature; we don't want to play if someone is going to cheat by not heeding the rules. I'm not saying someone cheated, I am saying because the guidelines were unclear it felt like someone cheated, because it was obvious we were not all operating under the same guidelines. So if we are are going to do this again let's make the guidelines clear, and for my part, let's make this like telephone. Sure it's more difficult, but being constrained by that is most of the fun. If we are only going to use a few words from the last piece as a springboard it's really not worth my time. I did notice that someone called Billy's poem a piece of shit, which I figure must have been a non-pig pen person, since we have called Billy's poems shit for years.

Observation #2: Time. I noticed several comments about feeling they did not have enough time, and the least that should happen is that one should get the full amount of time by knowing when to check in like May 8th at 7:00pm GMT. Each poem could be sent to the moderator who would not post it until the correct time. Each person would know in advance when the poem they were to follow would be posted, rather than missing a day or more, because they check in that long after the message that it was there turn, was sent. This would allow the person to print out a copy and take it to work, allowing them to consider it, even if they couldn't start until later. Again it goes back to our sense of fairness, everybody gets the same amount of time and everybody plays by the same rules. It's human nature to want to compare your effort with the other participants effort, and this can't really happen if the (I hate using this cliche) playing field is not level.

A final request: I know it's a gesture of goodwill and all that shit, but I'd just as soon keep it on site because I will generally know the people on this site, and I know how they write, whether they are serious or more joking, can they roll with the punch, or are they oversensitive. Listen I edited a university literary magazine for two years, and one of the jobs was to critique each piece that came in, and give a rationale for why it was or wasn't going to be in the magazine. Really! I got quite enough hate mail to last me for a lifetime. No one pays me for critiquing here (and most would agree it's not worth any pay), but I prefer to take the more easy way out, which is not to say I'd lie, or humor anyone, but I do like being able to mold my critique in such a way that they will be most able to here it, rather than just take offense. I mean sure they were spot on about Billy, but that's like shooting fish in a barrel (ah, it must be cliche day).

I'm tough so I can take it, but if any of you would like to get on the bus rather than throwing me under it here's your chance.

Oh yeah, I just wanted to point out I followed a guy who opened in German, paraphrasing a play/opera (forgot now what it was) that had been written in German. I got the message it was my time about four hours before my time was up (or so I remember it). First I had to go find out about this piece by Strauss that I had never heard of, mainly because what the guy wrote made little sense to me, and even though I can read a little German, the quote left me clueless. Then after doing all of that I had to write a poem that mimicked this other "poem". After that I see the person after me wrote something that basically had nothing to do with what I had written. Was I a little pissed...

Dale

[milo]

...well now I've read though this great glob of quotes on quotes and comments on comments I'd like to offer two observations as I feel I've earned it now, that is should we do this again type observations, also known in some regions as suggestions, but I would not be so bold as to offer suggestions, so I will only offer observations: they are two:

1. Regarding content: It appeared that not everyone was playing by the same rules, and I know I was uncertain exactly as to what they were, so I took my cue from the game itself, where you repeat what you heard with the idea that it will become somewhat muddled in the telling, but you don't just take the last telling as a springboard for a completely different story as did the one that followed me. I'm not saying the were wrong, or I was right, however I'm fairly certain I could have put forth a better effort had I not written under the (self-imposed) constraints, as the person did who followed. If a person is allowed to write practically anything they wish then this should not be called "poetry telephone". I'm not saying this because I am trying to win. It's about fairness and playing by the same rules. If it were only me I wouldn't say anything, but as I read through the comments this idea about playing by the same rules seem to come up often, and that is simply human nature; we don't want to play if someone is going to cheat by not heeding the rules. I'm not saying someone cheated, I am saying because the guidelines were unclear it felt like someone cheated, because it was obvious we were not all operating under the same guidelines. So if we are are going to do this again let's make the guidelines clear, and for my part, let's make this like telephone. Sure it's more difficult, but being constrained by that is most of the fun. If we are only going to use a few words from the last piece as a springboard it's really not worth my time. I did notice that someone called Billy's poem a piece of shit, which I figure must have been a non-pig pen person, since we have called Billy's poems shit for years.

Observation #2: Time. I noticed several comments about feeling they did not have enough time, and the least that should happen is that one should get the full amount of time by knowing when to check in like May 8th at 7:00pm GMT. Each poem could be sent to the moderator who would not post it until the correct time. Each person would know in advance when the poem they were to follow would be posted, rather than missing a day or more, because they check in that long after the message that it was there turn, was sent. This would allow the person to print out a copy and take it to work, allowing them to consider it, even if they couldn't start until later. Again it goes back to our sense of fairness, everybody gets the same amount of time and everybody plays by the same rules. It's human nature to want to compare your effort with the other participants effort, and this can't really happen if the (I hate using this cliche) playing field is not level.

A final request: I know it's a gesture of goodwill and all that shit, but I'd just as soon keep it on site because I will generally know the people on this site, and I know how they write, whether they are serious or more joking, can they roll with the punch, or are they oversensitive. Listen I edited a university literary magazine for two years, and one of the jobs was to critique each piece that came in, and give a rationale for why it was or wasn't going to be in the magazine. Really! I got quite enough hate mail to last me for a lifetime. No one pays me for critiquing here (and most would agree it's not worth any pay), but I prefer to take the more easy way out, which is not to say I'd lie, or humor anyone, but I do like being able to mold my critique in such a way that they will be most able to here it, rather than just take offense. I mean sure they were spot on about Billy, but that's like shooting fish in a barrel (ah, it must be cliche day).

I'm tough so I can take it, but if any of you would like to get on the bus rather than throwing me under it here's your chance.

Oh yeah, I just wanted to point out I followed a guy who opened in German, paraphrasing a play/opera (forgot now what it was) that had been written in German. I got the message it was my time about four hours before my time was up (or so I remember it). First I had to go find out about this piece by Strauss that I had never heard of, mainly because what the guy wrote made little sense to me, and even though I can read a little German, the quote left me clueless. Then after doing all of that I had to write a poem that mimicked this other "poem". After that I see the person after me wrote something that basically had nothing to do with what I had written. Was I a little pissed...

Dale

Yah, I still remember the first time I played, too. It can be a little strange. You get used to it pretty quick, though.

[Erthona]

"Yah, I still remember the first time I played, too. It can be a little strange. You get used to it pretty quick, though."

That's what they said about getting it up the rear, that wasn't true either.

That's why you're such a good moderator milo, you have no sense of humor and are totally inflexible, and don't go associating me with that lunatic fringe (although I think that is Leanne doing it, she's always trying to be hurtful to me, like telling ella or bena she loved them more than me), I was raised Southern Baptist and had to deal with that for 18 years. The bad thing about it was you weren't allowed to question anything, no matter how stupid or senseless it was. It was pretty disgusting people kept biting me, sucking on my toes, and poking me with needles trying to get some blood and flesh. They called it the last supper, but it seemed like it was my last supper and I was the meal, just because some idiot called me the "Resurrection". It's a damn good thing I am a fictionalized character and don't any flesh or blood.

Hey! That is "I am the Life and the Resurrection". Ya'll not near so educated as the girl/guy "Carrot Sale", I bet he has read the King James Bible, especially as it was one of his Kings that wrote it.


dale

[milo]

That's why you're such a good moderator milo, you have no sense of humor and are totally inflexible,

For some reason my humour doesn't seem to translate well with the general masses but I find myself hilarious(!?) The other mods should find humour enough in me being inflexible.

[Erthona]

I think you're like me milo (sorry, I know that's insulting). People get my humour, they just don't think it's funny.


Dale

[Truerenigma]

That's why you're such a good moderator milo, you have no sense of humor and are totally inflexible,

For some reason my humour doesn't seem to translate well with the general masses but I find myself hilarious(!?) The other mods should find humour enough in me being inflexible.

Ha! Your like water - no need to bend.

I find you humorous enough, I dunno about humour though - that sounds a bit fancy for you and the same joke that you keep repeating over and over and over

[Erthona]

Well my humour leans more towards phlegm, while yours leans more towards bile. People tend to choke on my humour, whilst yours leaves a bad taste in their mouths.


trueenigma wrote:
"I find you humorous enough, I dunno about humour though - that sounds a bit fancy for you and the same joke that you keep repeating over and over and over"

See there milo, you leave a bad taste in people mouth that last for days.


Besties,


dale