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Waist deep in muck, and covered in grime, I sift and I forage in this dark place, my mind.
In search of what, I could not say, but I discovered and to my dismay.
An abandoned house with border up windows, a chaotic symphony, the voices rise in crescendo.
A lantern without mantel, a conductor with no baton,
Stammering through the darkness, eyelids completely drawn.
Scared and alone in this vast and echoing void,
The hope I once held, now completely destroyed.
In search of something.. Only to find black,
I am nothing, I have no reason to turn back.
Trudging through this abyss of hopelessness and squalor
Reluctantly agreeing with the voices, they're right, I have nothing to offer.
I am a marionette without master, a lantern with no mantel
I am a conductor with no baton, a sparrow without song.
All fortitude lost, here I shall stay,
Only echoing voices and black to companion me while I live out my days...
Ugly on the skin, lovely from within..
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Hi, Ryan, a lot of this has a very nice rhythm, but you abandon it in places. Here are a few notes.
(01-23-2014, 02:55 AM)Ryan_w_r Wrote: Waist deep in muck, and covered in grime, I sift and I forage in this dark place, my mind.
In search of what, I could not say, but I discovered and to my dismay. discovered, to my dismay,
An abandoned house with border up windows, a chaotic symphony, the voices rise in crescendo boarded up
A lantern without mantel, a conductor with no baton,
Stammering through the darkness, eyelids completely drawn.
Scared and alone in this vast and echoing void,
The hope I once held, now completely destroyed.
In search of something.. Only to find black,
I am nothing, I have no reason to turn back. maybe change "I have" to "with"
Trudging through this abyss of hopelessness and squalor
Reluctantly agreeing with the voices, they're right, I have nothing to offer. maybe cut "reluctantly" and "they're right", or something to tighten this up.
I am a marionette without master, a lantern with no mantel
I am a conductor with no baton, a sparrow without song. I don't see what the poem gains by the repeat here.
All fortitude lost, here I shall stay,
Only echoing voices and black to companion me while I live out my days... accompany
I think you could really gain with an edit here, thanks for the read.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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A little to emo for my taste. Like banging he same cord on the piano again and again.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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post removed.
Comments in the critical forums need to focus on the poem.
/mod
(01-24-2014, 08:04 AM)Erthona Wrote: A little to emo for my taste. Like banging he same cord on the piano again and again.
Dale
that is nicely worded criticism, but could you please explain it?
very long lines for anything - let alone free verse! i'm not sure i can see past that.
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Some good imagery here, though I feel it borders on over-kill. Perhaps a little judicious pruning is in order. With some tightening up, the poem would be stronger, more memorable.
It flows reasonably well, but is jarring in a few places.
Suggestions below. Keep or sweep. 
Donna
(01-23-2014, 02:55 AM)Ryan_w_r Wrote: Waist deep in muck, and covered in grime, I sift and I forage in this dark place, my mind. This could be made smoother. For example, 'waist deep in muck, covered in grime, I sift and forage in the depths of my mind'.
In search of what, I could not say, but I discovered and to my dismay. Maybe '...I discovered, to my dismay'.
An abandoned house with border up windows, a chaotic symphony, the voices rise in crescendo. Suggest re-thinking this line for a smoother flow. It would be 'boarded up' windows.
A lantern without a mantle, a conductor with no baton, '...conductor without a baton'.
Stammering through the darkness, eyelids completely drawn. Make it clear who is stammering through the darkness. And what is meant by 'eyelids completely drawn'?
Scared and alone in this vast and echoing void, Suggest dropping 'vast and'.
The hope I once held, now completely destroyed.
In search of something.. Only to find black,
I am nothing, I have no reason to turn back.
Trudging through this abyss of hopelessness and squalor
Reluctantly agreeing with the voices, they're right, I have nothing to offer. This line could be tightened up.
I am a marionette without master, a lantern with no mantel This line and the next could be dropped. Nothing's gained by the repetition.
I am a conductor with no baton, a sparrow without song.
All fortitude lost, here I shall stay,
Only echoing voices and black to companion me while I live out my days... This line could be tightened up.
Honour the Earth. Without it, we'd be nowhere.
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