Poem #2

[oxomiya]

Stepping in snow
Your warmth melts
Love drains
Sucked through the thumb
Of the child in your arms

I love you
Has already been said
I will wait

[bena]

It's very interesting. I'm not really sure what you're trying to say, and I would wager you are the only one who knows. Perhaps a title would help....my titles generally sum up the whole poem...so readers know before they began what they might encounter.

just a thought.

mel.

[oxomiya]

Thanks Mel (bena) for your comment. Very much appreciated.

I like to think that it is the other way around - only *you* the reader knows what these lines mean/say. I am not sure this is the right way to go... but just want to explore the idea.


Sam

It's very interesting. I'm not really sure what you're trying to say, and I would wager you are the only one who knows. Perhaps a title would help....my titles generally sum up the whole poem...so readers know before they began what they might encounter.

just a thought.

mel.

[rowens]

The ideas sound good. The second stanza could work better in another poem. It could work in this poem. What do you think?

[oxomiya]

Thanks rowens.

My initial cut contained an extra paragraph. I took it out to sound more vague and take out some more context:

Stepping in snow
Your warmth melts
Love drains
Sucked through the thumb
Of the child in your arms

Love passes
By the window
On the streets
With a hint of Jasmine
Twice a day

I love you
Has already been said
I will wait

What do you think?

The ideas sound good. The second stanza could work better in another poem. It could work in this poem. What do you think?

[rowens]

I think the simplicity of the last stanza is nice. And if you take time to think about the poem as a whole, the two stanza version, it's interesting. Sometimes I think the last lines are too simple, sometimes I don't.

The stanza in the middle doesn't add much.

Are the poems numbered because they are part of a series to be read together?

[oxomiya]

They are not part of a series. I just prefer to name them that way... I might change that

[rowens]

On one hand, this poem is interesting. But it has a few good ideas, enough to do something more. It depends on what you want to do.

[bena]

I kind of like the middle (left out) stanza, because it does clarify things for the reader, even if it doesn't add much. I like the jasmine reference during the middle of winter...a reader knows it is perfume. I would leave out "on the streets" and "twice a day" though...they are unnecessary. We're getting somewhere with this. Keep plugging on.

mel.

[oxomiya]

Thanks Mel.