After RVW

[expiring_touch]

After RVW

I won’t catch up with you, your white
Opulent decadence, swirling between
sequined skirts of a modern Asian angel –
and cheating Indian waiters with cheap
glasses of souring white wine. I might even
rock my shoulders to the diaphragm
of your poetry, and balance on the edge
of your wide brimmed glasses – again! –
to the point where champagne has grown stale
and stuttering, my hand in yours
yawns across the night –
count the drops of the pool and then run away
because taxi was waiting.

[Erthona]

Why is "Opulent" capped?

"because (the)taxi was (is) waiting." needs an article. Tense problem.

Not sure how "white opulent decadence" can swirl "between
sequined skirts of a modern Asian angel"

and why would "angle" (singular) have "skirts" plural?

And how does "white opulent decadence" swirl between "cheating Indian waiters with cheap
glasses of souring white wine."

Not am I sure what "white opulent decadence" is.

I kind of like

"I might even
rock my shoulders to the diaphragm
of your poetry"

although it really makes no sense.

I would really like to know what is the diaphragm of poetry.

I kind of feel like I have been to the place you are describing, emotionally and geographically, except I think you must have been on hallucinogens when you were thee.

Dale

[expiring_touch]

ahaha Dale, I love your conclusion! Opulent is capped because it is the name of a wine bar. SKirts because you wear several skirts/layers ( didnt you ever read a 19 century novel, where a lady would always be collecting her skirts). Diaphragm of poetry- when you read a poem, and it has a lovely distinct read, if you read long enough, you begin to breath in rhythm with what you're reading. Thanks for your comments!

[Erthona]

Re: Skirts. I had always heard them described as petticoats or underskirts.

"didnt you ever read a 19 century novel" I generally tried to avoid it!

Dale

[WordJunky]

The best thing about creative expression, is that it doesn't matter what the F*** it means as long as it means something to you, unless you are writing for gratification, by stretching out for recognition from your peers, also if you are some Neuroplacisity junky...am i right or am i right?

Seriously though, I speak broken English and have since the day I broke the plain of language and the communicative barrier between the blissfully naive and the anxiously panicked.

So please, take my comment(s) lightly, as my intentions are only to commend you for a "job well done" and to have a laugh.

truthfully, the poem seemed forced to me, but who the hell am I to tell you that...I def picked up on it being about booze though, actually thought you may have been talking about cocaine for the first couple lines (pun intended). Anyways have a wonderful evening Sir. Thanks for your soulful exposure.

[just mercedes]

After RVW

I won’t catch up with you, your white
Opulent decadence, swirling between
sequined skirts of a modern Asian angel –
and cheating Indian waiters with cheap
glasses of souring white wine. I might even
rock my shoulders to the diaphragm
of your poetry, and balance on the edge
of your wide brimmed glasses – again! –
to the point where champagne has grown stale
and stuttering, my hand in yours
yawns across the night –
count the drops of the pool and then run away
because taxi was waiting.

[b] Hi - you use a lot of strong imagery, but for me I think you use too many adjectives in the first five lines. Every noun has one, and the effect is a little overpowering. I'm sure when you tighten this up a little, you'll be happier with your poem. Thanks for posting!

[Mungosmungo]

After RVW

I won’t catch up with you, your white I know you told us that Opulent was the name of a bar, but that still doesn't really give the reader much meaningful context. It certainly was not plain to me when I read through it. If you are going to allude to something, then try and make it decipherable. I suppose the fact that it is a bar does kind of put it in context though... kind of.
Opulent decadence, swirling between General angels are not seen as decadent. That is, they are not characterized by the decline of a society due to overindulgence, aha. It seems a redundant and poorly considered choice of words here; opulent followed by decadence, seeing as they are almost synonyms. Almost I kind of like it though... strange how that works.
sequined skirts of a modern Asian angel –
and cheating Indian waiters with cheap seconded the above point made, how does opulent decadence, already a fantastic image that evokes very little, swirl between 'cheating' waiters with 'souring white wine'. This metaphor seems so convoluted, aha
glasses of souring white wine. I might even is this the same 'white' that describes the opulent decadence earlier? I doubt you intended that; be prepared when people read too much into your poems when you do stuff like that
rock my shoulders to the diaphragm The image of 'rocking my shoulders to the diaphragm of poetry' escapes me. Perhaps something about moving your body in time with her poetic verse... or something less sappy. Just... a phrase more evocative than 'the diaphragm of poetry' which feels less like poetry and more like a riddle.
of your poetry, and balance on the edge
of your wide brimmed glasses – again! – This eludes me as well
to the point where champagne has grown stale 'to the point where' makes this line feel clunky to me. I'm sure there is another, less verbose way of stating that. I enjoy the imagery here though; champagne's de-fizzling being equated to stuttering is pretty good. The thing is... after that part about the champagne, everything seems to get muddled. How does a hand yawn???
and stuttering, my hand in yours
yawns across the night –
count the drops of the pool and then run away this pool seems to be a strange conjuring of the imagination that sprouted up out of nowhere. Nowhere earlier did you mention a pool... So I am utterly and completely lost.
because taxi was waiting. aaaaand tense issues.

All in all it was a pretty good poem. I enjoyed your work and I hope to see more from you in the future. Hopefully some of my advice was helpful

[azure]

After RVW

I won’t catch up with you, your white
Opulent decadence, swirling between uncap 'Opulent'
sequined skirts of a modern Asian angel – nice s(s) and a(s)
and cheating Indian waiters with cheap
glasses of souring white wine. I might even
rock my shoulders to the diaphragm
of your poetry, and balance on the edge cut 'and' and replace with "or"
of your wide brimmed glasses – again! –
to the point where champagne has grown stale add "our" between 'where' and 'champagne'
and stuttering, my hand in yours I think you could find a suitable substitute for 'stuttering'.
yawns across the night – how can a hand yawn? doesn't seem right
count the drops of the pool and then run away
because taxi was waiting. Could put in "the" or "our" before 'taxi'. The last three lines are very ambiguous and take away from the poem as a whole. It feels like you just rushed the ending, and it obscured the expression.

Hey there, I liked the light, almost humorous tone this piece had. I had issues with some of the imagery, and the ending seemed weak and rushed on your part. Try not to fall into obscurity and ambiguity when using imagery or metaphor. It only confuses the reader and takes away from the expression as a whole. Thanks

Azure.

[Beacherjosh]

I thoroughly enjoyed this poem, word choice, and tone. It reminded me a of Emily Dickinson's formatting a little.
- on this issue of the word decadent to describe angels, I could go ether way. I believe if you want to really make the reader think (and possible go off on a tangent is his/her own mind) leave it. Some people have said they do not like so many adj. in your poem, but I do like them. They make the reader slow down when reading this piece. I like the parallel of "souring white wine" (which also really flows well) to "champagne has grown stale" as they both are about alcohol going bad. your lines, " and stuttering, my hand in yours
yawns across the night –" really make me slow down at the words "yours yawns". I know they are on two separate lines, but I even stumble when reading it in my head. It slows me down and really makes me think.
I am sorry I do not have any feed back for better changes, I love this poem.