Maybe Love

[Sonata]

I can't stop feeling a tickling feel,
when you come outta blistering cold
and come closer until your nose is pressed
against mine.

And I find it kinda funny when you flicker
with your roe deer black, eyes.
And my wild instrument pressed against my chest
assists me with it's raw sound not to ever
forget that look that you sometimes have;
when you're at peace.

Often, it makes me moody when you are melancholic,
but I'm always there.

Usually, I can't stop feeling that I'm falling in something
that I had forgotten about a great long time ago.

Now, your smile just makes me wake up at night,
just to dream about you while I'm awake.

[rowens]

I can't stop feeling a tickling feel,

The comma is questionable. It's not really necessary, but if you think it works best, I won't press you. It's questionable, not necessarily wrong.

when you come outta blistering cold
and come closer until your nose is pressed
against mine.

Where or if you want a comma up there, you decide.





And I find it kinda funny when you flicker
with your roe deer black, eyes.

And this comma.


And my wild instrument pressed against my chest
assists me with it's raw sound not to ever

The it's/its switch.


forget that look that you sometimes have;
when you're at peace.

This semicolon. But then again, you're searching for rhythm. Though there are better ways.



Often, it makes me moody when you are melancholic,
but I'm always there.

Usually, I can't stop feeling that I'm falling in something
that I had forgotten about a great long time ago.

Now, your smile just makes me wake up at night,
just to dream about you while I'm awake.

There are things that need to be straightened out here. I plan on looking at it a few more times and straightening it out for myself. Then maybe I can say more sensible things.

[Malu]

I can't stop feeling a tickling feel, Reads a bit awkward
when you come outta blistering cold
and come closer until your nose is pressed
against mine.

And I find it kinda funny when you flicker
with your roe deer black, eyes. I think this line would read better without the comma. Also most deer have black eyes so I'm not sure if there is meaning behind roe, because if there isn't, I think this line would be the same without it
And my wild instrument pressed against my chest
assists me with it's raw sound not to ever
forget that look that you sometimes have;
when you're at peace.

Often, it makes me moody when you are melancholic,
but I'm always there.

Usually, I can't stop feeling that I'm falling in something Just a suggestion, maybe instead of "in" you put "into", both work though.
that I had forgotten about a great long time ago.

Now, your smile just makes me wake up at night,
just to dream about you while I'm awake. Made me think of Aerosmith's I Don't Want To Miss A Thing, great song

I enjoyed the imagery of the first half. I think this could use a tad more attention with grammar, hope this helps. Thanks for the read

[Volaticus]

I can't stop feeling a tickling feel, Maybe another word than "feel"? "Feeling a... feel" sounds a bit odd to me.
when you come outta blistering cold
and come closer until your nose is pressed
against mine.

And I find it kinda funny when you flicker Is "And" needed? ("I find it kinda funny" made me think of the song "Mad World" by Tears for Fears.)
with your roe deer black, eyes.
And my wild instrument pressed against my chest And this "And"?
assists me with it's raw sound not to ever its
forget that look that you sometimes have; Is the second "that" needed?
when you're at peace.

Often, it makes me moody when you are melancholic,
but I'm always there.

Usually, I can't stop feeling that I'm falling in something
that I had forgotten about a great long time ago. Is "that" needed? It feels too much with the other "that" in the line above.

Now, your smile just makes me wake up at night, "just" in this and the next line. Maybe remove one of them.
just to dream about you while I'm awake.

Hi Sonata,

I think the first two stanzas have some nice images, the three last stanzas seemed a bit.. flat, in comparison. They also read a bit chunky/awkward, mostly S4.
I noted a few thoughts for you to consider. I hope it's of any help.

Best,
LB

[Laura Marx]

Heya Sonata.

I can't stop feeling a tickling feel, Not a great opening line - it's not very strong. It feels like it's following up something that I haven't heard about yet. It's better to open with a thing, rather than what it predicates.
when you come outta blistering cold 'outta' feels a little misplaced, the rest of the peom isn't written with colloquialisms. I'd switch it to 'out the' or something like that.
and come closer until your nose is pressed
against mine. Strong image - I'd flip this stanza on its head; 'When you come closer out of the blistering cold/until your nose is pressed against mine/I feel ticklish'

And I find it kinda funny when you flicker you don't mean when they flicker with their eyes, I think; you mean when they flicker their eyes. You ought to say so!
with your roe deer black, eyes. 'roe deer eyes' and 'black eyes' invoke the same thing; be economical; 'with your deer eyes'
And my wild instrument pressed against my chest I can't imagine what this is - when I read it I immediately though penis.
assists me with it's raw sound not to ever and this really made me think penis
forget that look that you sometimes have;
when you're at peace. this whole stanza doesn't really impress much on this reader; I come away with it without any real understanding of what's happening.

Often, it makes me moody when you are melancholic,
but I'm always there. This is really good. It'd be much nicer against the backdrop of a few stronger images

Usually, I can't stop feeling that I'm falling in something
that I had forgotten about a great long time ago. I like 'a great long time ago' - you sort of mess up syntax at times. Sometimes it's a little too much, and sometimes it's great. This one feels a lot more natural than the others, less poetic and it's good for that reason.

Now, your smile just makes me wake up at night,
just to dream about you while I'm awake. Nice ending.

I feel like your poem is lacking a lot of body - I feel you are describing something that you can see, but I cannot see it with you. There are some great images in this - lovers with their noses pressed up against each other in the cold - holding eachother close and looking into each others eyes. I think you should push that up to the center, right now they're in the background.

[Erthona]

Sonata,

Before I critique something in specifics, I need to know what it is I am critiquing. If this is a love poem, or developing love between two humans, the images do not convey that for me. Considering you say "your nose is pressed against mine", meaning the speaker's and something else' nose, I can make no sense of

"And my wild instrument pressed against my chest
assists me with it's raw sound"

I have no idea who is who, what the interaction is, and certainly no clue as to what this "wild instrument" might be. In other words, I do not have any idea what this is suppose to be about. Until I do, I can't say much about it, nor will I try.

Dale

[Maya Kicks Lemons]

There are some confusing elements of this poem, I agree.
But I think it's really strong .
Can't wait to see the final edit.