First time poster..go easy! :)

[Rocky811]

My love and I on a Summer's day
Walked along a road I could not name
When two hooded figures came our way
And asked to play a game.

First came Pain and this said she,
"No one has bested me yet."
I looked at my love, and she at me
With a shrug I said, "We'll take the bet"

And so Pain signed her name
In the lines upon our skin.
And though she tried, could not maim
The strength we have within.

Surprised by her efforts' lack of toll
She asked, "Why do you surrender not?"
I replied, "Because my soul
Is filled with hers, surrender can't be got."

Pain gave way to Fear who stepped forth
Menacing, blacker than the night.
He challenged, "Let them prove their worth!"
And from the Earth he stole all light.

Thus we wandered, amidst the screams
And when we laid, Fear did his best.
To tear at us, to twist our dreams
To steal the warmth inside our chests.

When the Sun rose, excited to see the damage done
Fear pleaded, "Why?! Why did you not flee?"
I looked at my love and said, "Where there is one"
She gazed into Fear and said, "So shall the other be."

We turned back along the road we came
And one of the figures called to me.
He said, "If I may, what is your name?
And this advice I'll give to thee:

There lies a house ahead, where all have met their end.
Do not go until you're old and gray."
I said, "They call us Love, and Death is a friend
We'll stop to see along the way."

8

[billy]

the poem is forced, the wordage and the rhyme feels manufactured instead of real.
try not to tell the story. try to show it with images.

My love and I on a Summer's day
Walked along a road I could not name
When two hooded figures came our way
And asked to play a game.

the above is a very weak opening verse. can it be shown in a better way?

[Gilberte]

There is something old about this poem as though maybe you were taking an idea from a poem from another century. There are things that intrigued me; obviously some criminal has violated them, whether metaphoric or real, but the form seems arcane and could benefit from a more modern treatment. Also there are some cliché lines like "Menacing. Blacker than night" etc. Some things are too hackneyed, like fear calling your name. Personifying "fear" seems overdone. There are echoes of Do not go gentle into that good night which sounds like a spoof here. What does "No one has bested me yet" mean? You seem to be trying to relate a tale of woe but this style and the veil the poem hides behind doesn't work for me.

[jeremyyoung]

I like how this taps into the tradition of moral tales.

The problem is that the poem lacks the drive that it needs to carry the reader/listener to the end. Which is partly due to the logic of the story - you walk down a road, meet pain and fear, overcome their trials - which aren't particularly arduous - and then death tells you to pop back when you fancy. At which point I am wondering why you were going down this road in the first place, and if when you fancy popping back to the house of death you will have to face the hoods of pain and fear again - wouldn't death just wave you through?

The poem feels like a tourist in the Paradise Lost theme park.

[HEM14]

I enjoyed it.. Good job!

[ChristopherSea]

Hello Rocky,

Focus on rhyme may have sacrificed content. The lesson herein is spelled out in a narrative form reminiscent of a proverb or a Aesop's fable without the anthropomorphic animals, but perhaps that would be a more interesting treatment for your rewrite. There are quite a few 'I said' and 'she said' and the like, along with numerous 'quotes' which are rather distracting. Pain, Fear and Death are really blank characters along that road to the house (life's path) that need to be developed. This line was a favorite, 'steal the warmth inside our chests.' However, how does fear steal that warmth?

Welcome to the site and all the best with you next edit./Chris