Capes and Causeways (first poem please critique)

[savino76]

This is the updated 'finished version'

Eastward we go
Toward the Shore
Gazing into the evening sky
The moon
The stars
The satellites
Fill the heavens of the night
It’s celestial navigation, guiding us as we go the unknown ways
Through this Tropical Camelot of thick air and nautical breezes
I come to find myself
A western man am I
Unacquainted with these lands
And dreaming of eternity

Again, please let me know what you think.

[rowens]

Maybe it shouldn't be finished. If you don't know what to write.

Or maybe you'll know what to write once you get more acquainted with the lands you want to write about.

[ChristopherSea]

You should always be open to perfecting and polishing your work. I liked the line, 'Through this Tropical Camelot of thick air and nautical breezes', but you could work on all of the other lines. 'A western man I am' stood out like a throbbing sore toe for me unless you are the origianl 'Sam I am' of Dr Suess fame. I love the eastern shores myself, so describe them for us. Nothing is revealed about them here. Keep working on this one.

[Apophrades]

Eastward we go Firstly, for what it is, I don't mind that it lacks punctuation, but it can be much more than what it is.
Toward the Shore What's the difference between an eastern shore and a northern shore? You don't tell us
Gazing into the evening sky I recommend that you begin another stanza here, but this line still needs to be addressed. Why are "we" gazing into the evening sky? How is the sky any different at another part of the world?
The moon
The stars
The satellites
Fill the heavens of the night There's a jarring contrast between "satellites" and "heavens", it's a weird shift in tone
It’s celestial navigation, guiding us as we go the unknown ways
Through this Tropical Camelot of thick air and nautical breezes This line stands out, you should write more like these, but it still needs to make sense. "Thick air" is meaningless. "Nautical breezes" is a good description for "winds that help navigate."
I come to find myself Only by venturing to the east did you "find yourself" as a western man?
A western man am I
Unacquainted with these landsThis should have been further up to direct the narrative.
And dreaming of eternity Meaningless statement.

Most of your lines are trite. By the end of this piece, I learn nothing of your narrator, nor the place where s/he is headed.

First, try asking yourself exactly what you want to communicate. Perhaps think of an emotion that might be associated with visiting the east, then describe it through metaphor.

[savino76]

Thanks so much for the tips. Here is a revised version, much more meaningful, I believe, of what I'm trying to communicate.
I know the structure can use some work, any tips on how to make it more appealing in that regard as well?

Thanks You!

Eastward we go
Toward the sultry shores
Lost in an unfamiliar land

Into the vast evening sky, I gaze
The moon
The stars
The satellites
All sad reminders of what used to be
From a Cape where we launched a New Frontier, into the Final Frontier

Across the bay from this Tropical Camelot, remnants of the past remain
The ebony launch towers whisper to us where we’ve been, and where we’re going.

[Apophrades]

Yes the structure needs work but we have to get to the very meat of the poem first. Your piece needs major revision. You are describing the "east" very abstractly. Are you writing about a fictional place? Try describing a place more specific, like a town, maybe a beach? Let us know the name of the place as well. Not only that but "put in" some emotion. I see you've tried to do it: "All sad reminders of what used to be", and the last line. Tell me how a "sad reminder" feels like? Really try to imagine it.