My First Poem

[Sigma]

Silence. Keenly heard in the passing of time, one heartbeat, the envy of eternity. The thunder of the
millstone, grinding the edges of an already frayed soul, tearing away fringes of sanity with each
passing turn. Darkness of solitude; breeding doubt born from fear, eviscerating already delicate
strands of hope. One touch, anger and rage dissipated by the clash of lips; violent passion. The cry
sounds beyond, rebirth in the ashes of old love, the Phoenix rises binding two into one. Intertwining
destiny, cause of woe for the patience of an already weary traveler. Long is the road, feet sore and
soles worn thin, the passage leads to home. To surrender is failure, so close to long awaited peace
yet realized. Virtues tested, torn asunder by the promise of the faithful, tempted fate forged in the fire
sparked by a single moment. Light of the hearth, the dance of flames move in rhythm, the song of a
hopeful heart.

---

I wouldn't even know how to edit this in order to make it resemble a proper poem. It's basically a rambling of thoughts I put down in light of current real life situations. I am not even sure if a message is conveyed, but instead a chaotic mess of words thrown down where they fall.

[billy]

please read the rules on posting poetry :J:

[ChristopherSea]

The warning is for not reviewing any poetry before posting your own. I just joined and have reviewed ten poems and posted none.

This piece suffers from the lack of structure. I would arrange it thusly:

Silence.
Keenly heard in the passing of time,
one heartbeat, the envy of eternity.
The thunder of the millstone,
grinding the edges of an already frayed soul,
tearing away fringes of sanity
with each passing turn.

Darkness of solitude;
breeding doubt born from fear,
eviscerating already delicate strands of hope.
One touch, anger and rage dissipated
by the clash of lips; violent passion.
The cry sounds beyond,
rebirth in the ashes of old love,
the Phoenix rises binding two into one.

Intertwining destiny, cause of woe
for the patience of an already weary traveler.
Long is the road, feet sore and soles worn thin,
the passage leads to home.
To surrender is failure,
so close to long awaited peace yet realized.

Virtues tested, torn asunder
by the promise of the faithful,
tempted fate forged in the fire
sparked by a single moment.
Light of the hearth, the dance
of flames move in rhythm,
the song of a hopeful heart.

There is a great deal of recycled word usage herein: passing of time, darkness of solitude, phoenix rising, weary traveler, torn asunder, etc. Use something that you have not heard before like: charcol solitude, phoenix ascension or somnolent voyager. You get the gist. Good effort for your first piece!