Impossible Waters

[brandonalsip]

Impossible waters

fill our sky with dreams
for fishers and for flyers

sow nightmares within timorous minds
of mountains dark and deadly

cover oceans like sheets
or vanish in cascades

constant and fickle
steadfast and wavering

unfeeling, cold, impermanent structures
inspiring life immemorial

atmospheric murals redone a million times over
always changing, always beautiful

if heaven must be, it is walking on impossible waters
drowning in delicate vapors like the breath of God

[jdguyb]

Impossible waters

fill our sky with dreams
for fishers and for flyers

sow nightmares within timorous minds
of mountains dark and deadlywhat do mountains have to do with imposible waters?

cover oceans like sheets
or vanish in cascadesyou lost me here, what message are you trying to convey?

constant and fickle
steadfast and wavering

unfeeling, cold, impermanent structures
inspiring life immemorialagain with the structures, more about the waters!

atmospheric murals redone a million times over
always changing, always beautifulyou lost me here, the title of the poem has little to do with the actual poetry

if heaven must be, it is walking on impossible waters
drowning in delicate vapors like the breath of God I really like this line


this poem has trouble delivering the message, try and deliver that message with more about the impossible waters

[brandonalsip]

Impossible waters

fill our sky with dreams
for fishers and for flyers

sow nightmares within timorous minds
of mountains dark and deadlywhat do mountains have to do with imposible waters?

cover oceans like sheets
or vanish in cascadesyou lost me here, what message are you trying to convey?

constant and fickle
steadfast and wavering

unfeeling, cold, impermanent structures
inspiring life immemorialagain with the structures, more about the waters!

atmospheric murals redone a million times over
always changing, always beautifulyou lost me here, the title of the poem has little to do with the actual poetry

if heaven must be, it is walking on impossible waters
drowning in delicate vapors like the breath of God I really like this line


this poem has trouble delivering the message, try and deliver that message with more about the impossible waters

---

It's a poem about clouds and describing them. They are the impermanent structures, the dark mountains(big stormy cumulus clouds). I apologize if that wasn't clear. I kind of think it was. I think I delivered the message that I am just talking about how I feel about clouds haha

[brandonalsip]

Hi Brandon..

Though this piece is a little purple for my taste, I will acknowledge that it has some interesting images.

The first 7 lines establish a nice momentum..the descriptions almost shimmer. Then, unfortunately, the next 6 lines devolve to random, fragmented descriptions that mar the poem.

I really like the last 2 lines..they are a good summation.

I was kind of going for just describing clouds how I see them but I know I disliked the way the last two lines before the end really bugged me and they broke the flow. I don't know what to do to make it better really. Also seriously thank you both for taking the time to read this is seriously appreciated.

[makeshift]

I enjoyed aspects of this, I am new to poetry so maybe take my input with a grain of salt.

Impossible waters

fill our sky with dreams
for fishers and for flyers This made me think of fly fishing because of the words fishers and flyers,maybe something to consider idk

sow nightmares within timorous minds
of mountains dark and deadly Ok tone changes for me here feels a lot darker

cover oceans like sheets This line might be close to coming off as cliche, but regardless I like the metaphore
or vanish in cascades

constant and fickle
steadfast and wavering

unfeeling, cold, impermanent structures
inspiring life immemorial

atmospheric murals redone a million times over
always changing, always beautiful not sure if I liked the repeating of always here felt a bit blunt but perhaps that was intentional

if heaven must be, it is walking on impossible waters
drowning in delicate vapors like the breath of God Beautiful last line here (:

I think I read this a bit too literally as I assumed it had to do with an ocean or water more so then the sky or clouds. Actually I was thinking of impossible waters as more of a metaphysical inner space, and that it had to either do with some sort of ambition or yeah the ocean. After you said it was about clouds I did like some of the lines more. Thinking of clouds as "unfeeling, cold, impermanent structures" does have potential to be bit poignant. Nice poem.

I hope somehting I typed helped. Again i'm new to poetry this is my first time trying to critique a poem.

[qwerty_H]

Impossible waters

fill our sky with dreams
for fishers and for flyers

sow nightmares within timorous minds
of mountains dark and deadly

cover oceans like sheets
or vanish in cascades

structures
inspiring life immemorial

atmospheric murals redone a million times over
always changing, always beautiful

if heaven must be, it is walking on impossible waters
drowning in delicate vapors like the breath of God

I feel like you really let yourself get carried away with the adjectives at one point (constant and fickle steadfast and wavering unfeeling, cold, impermanent)

other than that I liked it!
Thanks for posting!