outside

[R.C. KITCHENS]

A soothing laugh can calm an aching soul
Yet a melody from a bird will wake the man
It is not trivial, the pursuit of senses,
we live to find meaning in life and seldom
do without sadness.

It was along the banks of the Hurricane
Shoals, where great large stones set
with rushing water raging over them.

The sound was like white noise
from the television only amplified
There were oaks, pines and maples
each in an array of shaded oranges
reds and greens.

It wasn't long before someone slipped
on the rocks and started to wail
The smell of charcoal and the excitement
of voices chattering,

Reminded me of the birds in the morning
right before sunrise.

Great symmetry echoing

EDIT 1

It was along the banks of the Hurricane
Shoals, where great large stones set
with rushing water raging over them.

A soothing laugh can calm an aching soul
Yet a melody from a bird will wake the man
It is not trivial, the pursuit of senses,
we live to find meaning in life and seldom
do without sadness.

The sound was like white noise
from the television only amplified
There were oaks, pines and maples
each in an array of shaded oranges
reds and greens. They stood high
above the landscape like painted
abstractions.

The children played on slippery stones
It wasn't long before someone slipped
and started to wail
The smell of charcoal was immense
and the excitement of voices chattering,
Reminded me of the birds in the morning
right before sunrise.

EDIT 2

A soothing laugh can calm an aching soul
Yet a melody from a bird will wake the man
It is not trivial, the pursuit of senses,
we live to find meaning in life and seldom
do without sadness.

It was along the banks of the Hurricane
Shoals, where great large stones set
with rushing water raging over them.

The sound was like white noise
from the television only amplified
There were tall and petite oaks,
pointed pines and large maples
moving in flourishing motion
each in an array of shaded oranges
reds and greens.

The children played on the stones
laughter abound in the height of
the waves
It wasn't long before someone slipped
and started to wail
The smell of charcoal and the excitement
of voices chattering over the subtle
landscape,
Reminded me of the birds in the morning
right before sunrise.

[Brownlie]

A soothing laugh can calm an aching soul
Yet a melody from a bird will wake the man
It is not trivial, the pursuit of senses,
we live to find meaning in life and seldom
do without sadness.

It was along the banks of the Hurricane -- You might want to start with this line but I'm not quite sure, the hurricane is a compelling image.
Shoals, where great large stones set
with rushing water raging over them.

The sound was like white noise
from the television only amplified
There were oaks, pines and maples
each in an array of shaded oranges
reds and greens. -- Maybe even more description here.

It wasn't long before someone slipped
on the rocks and started to wail
The smell of charcoal and the excitement
of voices chattering, -- You could expand and describe this incident more.
Reminded me of the birds in the morning
right before sunrise. -- You might want to end on this line again I'm not quite sure.
Great symmetry echoing

you have some compelling imagery and some good action in this poem. I think you can write in more detail about a specific incident of someone slipping. Expanding on descriptions of the physical landscape may also help. From the other things you posted this seems the best. Hopefully, you get some more comments.

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Thank you Brownlie for the critique. I looked over the piece and have edited it a few times. Unfortunately at the moment, I have no "idea" of imagery to further add to it to make it more descriptive. Damn writers block. I think your right though, a little more descriptiveness and insight with the piece would make it better to follow. Thanks for the advice.

[allykat727]

A soothing laugh can calm an aching soul Very strong first line
Yet a melody from a bird will wake the man Wonderful rhythm in these first two lines
It is not trivial, the pursuit of senses,
we live to find meaning in life and seldom
do without sadness.

It was along the banks of the Hurricane
Shoals, where great large stones set 'great large' seems redundant. I might suggest that 'great stones' has a nice ring to it
with rushing water raging over them. nice alliteration

The sound was like white noise
from the television only amplified perhaps a comma after television?
There were tall and petite oaks, hmm.. tall & petite seems contradictory to me
pointed pines and large maples 'pointed pines' .. very nice!
moving in flourishing motion love the imagery of 'flourishing motion'
each in an array of shaded oranges
reds and greens. nice touch. I am picturing the fall weather

The children played on the stones
laughter abound in the height of
the waves what a curious and interesting turn of words. i like it.
It wasn't long before someone slipped
and started to wail
The smell of charcoal and the excitement
of voices chattering over the subtle
landscape,
Reminded me of the birds in the morning
right before sunrise.

I really enjoyed reading this piece. The rhythm is well done. I have to say, I think my favorite stanza is your first. Thank you for posting!