"That the day come"

[thislimeismine]

I wrote this two nights ago. I hope it's not incomprehensible.

That the day come
and my dreams in drudgery
will never worry for the fury
and never run, for the sun-
he comes, oh he comes!

But in this midnight chamber
her words come forth first:
"No matter shadows dim or bright
when the sickness of the heart
leads you always to the night.
No matter your level of dark
when sinning is a natural art"

You come for me, do you not?
You warm father, fast and hot.
To save me from myself tonight,
to teach me love, wrong and right.

Revised version. Honestly, the first time I've attempted iambs. I know lines 1, 5, 10, 14 don't follow the meter. Does it still sound okay?

That the day come
and have my dreams in drudgery
never more bring worries to me
and stop their run, for the sun-
he comes, he comes!

But in this midnight chamber fear
her words do come forth first: “my dear,
no matter shadows dim or bright
when this sickness of your heart does
always lead you to the night.”

Warm father, rise up from the land
and wash me with your rays of light
to save me from myself tonight,
to teach me love, wrong and right.

[thislimeismine]

I hope this isn't considered bumping a post or that isn't considered bad here.

Some issues with the poem:

The number of syllables in each line vary, but usually there are seven or eight. Should I even them out, or keep it 'free'? Any bad rhythm?

The first stanza is honestly bad word choice, but I like the rhyme. I should probably rewrite it. Also the second "for" is used as a conjuction and I'm not sure if that's obvious to the reader. Can you tell the first line is a Yeats reference? Ha. I don't know if it helps the poem in any way.

Is it weird to describe the sun as "warm father, fast and hot"?

[Volaticus]

"Is it weird to describe the sun as "warm father, fast and hot"?"
In my opinion, yes. Because of the word choices.

[milo]

I hope this isn't considered bumping a post or that isn't considered bad here.

Some issues with the poem:

The number of syllables in each line vary, but usually there are seven or eight. Should I even them out, or keep it 'free'? Any bad rhythm?

If you are going to rhyme then, yes, you should try to use a consistent meter. English meter doesn't do well with "syllabics" but rather with feet. Soo . . short answer, pick a meter (most likely iambic tetrameter) and attempt to apply it throughout.

[R.C. KITCHENS]

That the day come
and my dreams in drudgery
will never worry for the fury
and never run, for the sun-
he comes, oh he comes![i]

I like your original version better
and think if you change one of the "never" above
to "not" it will read better.

[i]But in this midnight chamber
her words come forth first:
"No matter shadows dim or bright
when the sickness of the heart
leads you always to the night.
No matter your level of dark
when sinning is a natural art"

I think you could take "but" out and in the first line

You come for me, do you not?
You warm father, fast and hot.
To save me from myself tonight,
to teach me love, wrong and right.

I think you could lose "you" in the second line and it would read great and maybe "to" in the line following.