hey i am amateur poet that threw together this little poem please tell me what you think. I named it her thoughts
Her Thoughts
if she respected her freedom the way
she loved his beatings. Her life would be
filled with gold and riches. But instead
she puts up with him just to make ends
meet.
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it's not too bad but it feels more like a quote than a poem. i think the last line just saves it
if you use brevity use it, is 'but instead' needed? why is meet on it's own line?
give feedback elsewhere please.
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(06-09-2013, 02:38 PM)braylon01 Wrote: hey i am amateur poet that threw together this little poem please tell me what you think. I named it her thoughts
Her Thoughts
if she respected her freedom the way
she loved his beatings. Her life would be
filled with gold and riches. But instead
she puts up with him just to make ends
meet.
I dont think you need a period after "beatings" and agree "but instead" could be dropped. I wonder who "her thoughts" is from because you indicate "if she" implying another woman with thoughts about another woman. I'd like to see some more.
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(06-09-2013, 02:38 PM)braylon01 Wrote: hey i am amateur poet that threw together this little poem please tell me what you think. I named it her thoughts
Her Thoughts
if she respected her freedom the way
she loved his beatings. Her life would be
filled with gold and riches. But instead
she puts up with him just to make ends
meet.
I think gold AND riches isn't really working. THe line breaks seem random. Also, if she loves the beatings she isn't really 'putting up with them' it doesn't work even facetiously due to the proximity and the lack of any other information about either the narrator or the ellusive "she"
