I don't know if I should toss this out or try to tighten it up.. But it was fun!

[Ryan_w_r]

The orchard

I grew up on a farm, happy as could be

in the orchards, where the sun was always shining on me.

As I've grown older, I have witnessed my friends all leave or die.

Either way they are no longer by my side...

Days pass, life is beginning to feel blurred

Cold and alone in this place I once loved... My little slice of heaven, the orchard.

Now a days the sun seems to be a burden, not quite as sweet..

Please grant me shade from this god forsaken heat.

I just want to end it, I can't do this anymore..

I may be beautiful on the outside, but this life has made me rotten to the core.

So here I am, hanging from a tree.. In my little slice of hell... Just the orchard and me...

not sure now, if I am alive, or if i am dead.. But i can feel the black birds coming... wanting to be fed

I never imagined dying this way.. being eaten by black birds, hanging from a tree... Just the birds, the orchards, and me..

I don't want you to read this and walk away sad...

Just keep in mind, life as an apple isn't always this bad.

[billy]

all poems are worthy of saving
i've seen a few poems titled the orchard and it (the title) carries something special i think.

at present the poem feels a bit prose. the ist line feels like a line to a story and not a poem. the 2nd line however or part of it is a great line to start a poem

I grew under the shade of orchards


just that part hooks me in. you could add something to it to make it memorable; a place a thing the 2nd part of that line feels prose as well
and pretty weak. the first part of the 2nd line is redundant (isn't needed) is a given

I grew under the shade of orchards
witnessed friends leave or die

a lot of the poem needs images, and less cliche.

The orchard

I grew up on a farm, happy as could be

in the orchards, where the sun was always shining on me.

As I've grown older, I have witnessed my friends all leave or die.

Either way they are no longer by my side...

Days pass, life is beginning to feel blurred

Cold and alone in this place I once loved... My little slice of heaven, the orchard.

Now a days the sun seems to be a burden, not quite as sweet..

Please grant me shade from this god forsaken heat.

I just want to end it, I can't do this anymore..

I may be beautiful on the outside, but this life has made me rotten to the core.

So here I am, hanging from a tree.. In my little slice of hell... Just the orchard and me...

not sure now, if I am alive, or if i am dead.. But i can feel the black birds coming... wanting to be fed

I never imagined dying this way.. being eaten by black birds, hanging from a tree... Just the birds, the orchards, and me..

I don't want you to read this and walk away sad...

Just keep in mind, life as an apple isn't always this bad.

[Bunx]

feel alot like some neil giaman. anyways this poem has been brought to life. knowing that the subject feel the sense of being alive gives me a sense that he is not trying to get. Ironically he is trying to live

[Ajax]

I really love this poem, and think you should most definetely keep it. Maybe I use commas too often, but I would suggest changing some of the periods at the ends of the lines to commas, it would help the poem flow better I feel.


For example: "As I've grown older, I have witnessed my friends all leave or die. <----

Either way they are no longer by my side..."

[newsclippings]

This reminded me of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

[Ryan_w_r]

I honestly do not think anyone has ever given me such an amazing complement! I don't know how you get the fresh prince from this but........ I like it.

[tectak]

The orchard

I grew up on a farm, happy as could be

in the orchards, where the sun was always shining on me.

As I've grown older, I have witnessed my friends all leave or die.

Either way they are no longer by my side...

Days pass, life is beginning to feel blurred

Cold and alone in this place I once loved... My little slice of heaven, the orchard.

Now a days the sun seems to be a burden, not quite as sweet..

Please grant me shade from this god forsaken heat.
4
I just want to end it, I can't do this anymore..

I may be beautiful on the outside, but this life has made me rotten to the core.

So here I am, hanging from a tree.. In my little slice of hell... Just the orchard and me...

not sure now, if I am alive, or if i am dead.. But i can feel the black birds coming... wanting to be fed

I never imagined dying this way.. being eaten by black birds, hanging from a tree... Just the birds, the orchards, and me..

I don't want you to read this and walk away sad...

Just keep in mind, life as an apple isn't always this bad.

Hi ryan,
As sayeth billy, so sayeth I. Don't dump it because there are so many lessons you can learn in this and "tightening" it up is going to be useful.
First of all, the concept is not new...anthropomorphising essentially inanimate objects is commonplace...I think we have all done it....but it invariably leads to the accident of humour. "The Golfcourse" ( Oh how he beats me, I fly away but he always find me, and beats me again) or "The Pool Table" (All my friends are gone, and soon the hole of death will be my fate) or "The Vineyard" (All my life I have hung around, my friends and I are changing now).
So as a concept you need to keep faith with the metaphor and avoid giving your apple more emotional credibility (see, it's funny already) than is its due. One way of doing this is to stun the reader with your grip of meter....or clever rhyme...or novel conclusion. What you must NOT do is stretch the metaphor as you have done in the very first line. Because you know you are going to talk about a generic apple you immediately become uncertain about how you handle the birth, life, death (a dead apple?) cycle whilst still "being" one apple. So you begin "I grew", no birth, singular...but then "under the shade of orchardS", plural, implying an awkward awareness of being one apple among many...so first suggestion...BE ONE...life, per se, is gonna be short
Concentrate on the single thinking apple ( difficult but as a poet you can think anything you like) and try to get into its skin. See what I mean?
As this is not a piece with heavy life metaphor connotations (it could not be, so don't kid yourself) so stick with "life as an apple" and stun me with your control of meter and cute rhymes. Remember, we are talking apples here (pun)... I wish I had listened to my old Granny Smith. Why? What did she say? I dunno, I didn't listen.
Best,
tectak