The orchard

[Ryan_w_r]

The orchard

I grew up on a farm, happy as could be

in the orchards, where the sun was always shining on me.

As I've grown older, I have witnessed my friends all leave or die.

Either way they are no longer by my side...

Days pass, life is beginning to feel blurred

Cold and alone in this place I once loved... My little slice of heaven, the orchard.

Now a days the sun seems to be a burden, not quite as sweet..

Please grant me shade from this god forsaken heat.

I just want to end it, I can't do this anymore..

I may be beautiful on the outside, but this life has made me rotten to the core.

So here I am, hanging from a tree.. In my little slice of hell... Just the orchard and me...

not sure now, if I am alive, or if i am dead.. But i can feel the black birds coming... wanting to be fed

I never imagined dying this way.. being eaten by black birds, hanging from a tree... Just the birds, the orchards, and me..

I don't want you to read this and walk away sad...

Just keep in mind, life as an apple isn't always this bad.

[Zerric]

Interesting subject to write about...

Anyway...you might want to think about shortening your lines. No1 wants to read a single line, break them up where natural pauses occur (commas, hyphons, ...)
You also want to reduce some of your words. Eliminate some redundant words. I'll give a little example in the first two lines...


I grew up on a farm, happy as could be
Everyday was blessed, in the orchards, where the sun always seemed to be shining on me.

I grew up on a farm, happy as could be
Everyday was blessed, the sun would always shine on me

'seemed to' is a little vague, doesn't lend much power to a sentence. 'in the orchards' is redundant, as we already know from the title and the opening line: I grew up on a farm.

[jkaram]

I especially enjoyed the twist in this poem. While it has good potential for a sing-song kind of poem, I agree that some shortening of lines would add to the enjoyment of the read. To me, it read more like a great first draft in need of tweaking.

In L 1 "Everyday", I think you meant to write as "Every day"? That line would naturally end if it stopped at "orchard" and the second part of it became L 3.in general if you kept the syllables of each line between 5 and 10 on average, your poem's readability would improve. While I appreciate and enjoyed this concept and your creativity, I was not so crazy about the over-personification of the apple. Giving the apple thoughts and feelings (and especially suicidal tendencies) was a little top abstract for me. I enjoyed the read though, thanks for sharing and keep writing.

[Bunx]

Good stuff, fan of trees.
I see, your rough complexities.
anyways, i thought id say
take it from a paid musician, i'd
hum that jive anyday

[Catcherin]

I agree with the others. When I first started reading this I thought it was going to be a happy clappy write about the beautiful orchard, so the dark turn took me by surprise. I really liked the images you have created and the way the orchard turns from an idyllic place into a sweltering, inescapable hell-hole. The hanging and the crows make the bleakness complete. It made me very curious as to how the person's friends came to leave them, I think the poem would really benefit from a bit of background information as to why all this has happened, what has turned their life so horribly off course. Other than that I agree that the meter could use tightening and some words cut out. Very enjoyable and look forward to reading more from you

[Ryan_w_r]

I agree with the others. When I first started reading this I thought it was going to be a happy clappy write about the beautiful orchard, so the dark turn took me by surprise. I really liked the images you have created and the way the orchard turns from an idyllic place into a sweltering, inescapable hell-hole. The hanging and the crows make the bleakness complete. It made me very curious as to how the person's friends came to leave them, I think the poem would really benefit from a bit of background information as to why all this has happened, what has turned their life so horribly off course. Other than that I agree that the meter could use tightening and some words cut out. Very enjoyable and look forward to reading more from you

Thank you so much for reading and giving me a some pointers! I am new to writing and I've never shared with anyone out of being unsure if I should be proud or embarrassed of my writing... But it is exciting to get this feed back positive or negative. You will for sure be seeing more from me.

---

I especially enjoyed the twist in this poem. While it has good potential for a sing-song kind of poem, I agree that some shortening of lines would add to the enjoyment of the read. To me, it read more like a great first draft in need of tweaking.

In L 1 "Everyday", I think you meant to write as "Every day"? That line would naturally end if it stopped at "orchard" and the second part of it became L 3.in general if you kept the syllables of each line between 5 and 10 on average, your poem's readability would improve. While I appreciate and enjoyed this concept and your creativity, I was not so crazy about the over-personification of the apple. Giving the apple thoughts and feelings (and especially suicidal tendencies) was a little top abstract for me. I enjoyed the read though, thanks for sharing and keep writing.

Thank you for reading and providing some ways to improve my writing, I truly appreciate it. I understand giving an apple thought, feelings, and friends is a pretty ridiculous idea.. But I wanted this to be more of a writing exercise than anything. Take a idea and rather than going a traditional route by taking the subject, in this case an apple and writing about how red it is and how it tastes or whatever... I wanted to go a stranger approach I guess

[seth.meyers]

I loved how you referred to the orchard as "my little slice of heaven". It seemed to describe an orchard so perfectly. I'm not a poetry expert but I really enjoyed this poem!

[Ryan_w_r]

I loved how you referred to the orchard as "my little slice of heaven". It seemed to describe an orchard so perfectly. I'm not a poetry expert but I really enjoyed this poem!

From one non poetry expert to another.. I really appreciate that