The Rock Age

[Labyrinth]

This is the first lyric I ever wrote, so I found it more than appropriate it was the first lyric I get (real) feedback from.

Your eyes are swollen red
You are in relaxation
Having your limbs spread
To a trippy situation
Munchies are chasing
While your mouth is facing
Mary Jane erasing
Every saliva you had
You suddenly start laughing
Legs don't want to move
Mommy caught you barfing
and she does not approve
She calls you a cunt
But all you can think of
is having another blunt
Of sweet Mary Jane you love
You developed an aroma
Really feeling it now
Drifting towards coma
The sweet Mary Jane you love

[Volaticus]

Brilliant title! It was easy to read, though I tripped a few places, because of the lack of punctuation. I think some periods or maybe dividing it into stanzas could make it easier to read as poetry (I see you said lyric at the top). The rhymes I think work well and benefits the overall flow.
Your theme I think is described in a refreshing way, some places with a funny tone, that I think fits well with the poem. I'm sorry I don't really have any constructive criticism, I'm awfully tired and my head's not working. Maybe it's time for 'Drifting towards coma/The sweet Mary Jane you love'.
Thanks for the read.

[Magpie]

Hi Labyrinth,
This made me laugh, but that's because I know exactly what your talking about. I didn't actually notice the title till the end. I must which word came first in the rhyme of blunt and cunt that you had to think of the other word. I'm not sure how many people will get this, I might be wrong though. Actually as regards metre and tempo it flows reasonably well apart from second last line where I would put "a coma".
I can see how it would work as lyrics for a song, in fact I wouldn't mind hearing the song, I'm a guitarist myself.
I think as a poem it would benefit possibly from some punctuation, which would help control it and it would flow better.
I'm so glad that I got to read this one first, and I can't wait to see what other peoples reaction is gonna be. As I said it does feel more like a song, but I look forward to reading some more stuff at some point. Also it would be interesting if you changed the title to see what happened, because it does make it obvious what it's about. You could of posted this in the poetry for fun forum also. Is aaaalll toons about the ganj like? Jah Rastafari... I and I is happy.
Thanks

[Labyrinth]

Brilliant title! It was easy to read, though I tripped a few places, because of the lack of punctuation. I think some periods or maybe dividing it into stanzas could make it easier to read as poetry (I see you said lyric at the top). The rhymes I think work well and benefits the overall flow.
Your theme I think is described in a refreshing way, some places with a funny tone, that I think fits well with the poem. I'm sorry I don't really have any constructive criticism, I'm awfully tired and my head's not working. Maybe it's time for 'Drifting towards coma/The sweet Mary Jane you love'.
Thanks for the read.

Thank you for your feedback, your criticism was perfect, especially with a tired mind.
Due to my lack of knowledge of actual poetry I never really knew about punctuation and stanzas, but now I've learned. Glad I came here.
Thanks again for your feedback!

---

Hi Labyrinth,
This made me laugh, but that's because I know exactly what your talking about. I didn't actually notice the title till the end. I must which word came first in the rhyme of blunt and cunt that you had to think of the other word. I'm not sure how many people will get this, I might be wrong though. Actually as regards metre and tempo it flows reasonably well apart from second last line where I would put "a coma".
I can see how it would work as lyrics for a song, in fact I wouldn't mind hearing the song, I'm a guitarist myself.
I think as a poem it would benefit possibly from some punctuation, which would help control it and it would flow better.
I'm so glad that I got to read this one first, and I can't wait to see what other peoples reaction is gonna be. As I said it does feel more like a song, but I look forward to reading some more stuff at some point. Also it would be interesting if you changed the title to see what happened, because it does make it obvious what it's about. You could of posted this in the poetry for fun forum also. Is aaaalll toons about the ganj like? Jah Rastafari... I and I is happy.
Thanks

First of all, thank you for your feedback and I'm so glad you got it, I was worried about people not getting some of the words.
Chanching the the title would be a brilliant idea.
I haven't made a song to this lyric yet, but I will in a few months and I'll let you hear it.
I'd like to hear some of your music as well, I'm a bass player by the way.