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[Zerric]

Red satin chains, keep her from me,
Smooth white velvet, soft like a breeze,
Down the dark valley, Is my reason to be,
I ride through the forest, while she waits for me,

I'll climb the hills, and I'll cross the creek,
I'll follow the curves, As I swim the stream,
I'll never rest till I reach what I seek,
My Destiny, bound, by the chains that she keeps,

The mountain peaks shudder, as I make my way,
I'll get to my Lover, whatever it takes,
Past the dark valley, I break the chains,
I rush through the forest: my Flower awaits.

[Obloquy]

With a little bit more work this can easily be a sonnet

[Labyrinth]

I enjoyed the fact you've written a poem about love, doing everything for the person you love, and yet was able to keep it original and unique.
Because love is the subject that is used the most, also in music, but you've done a pretty good job in writing it in a different light.

[Volaticus]

I like your idea with the poem. It reads as a poem about love, and I enjoyed it, but I sensed some sexual undertones. Was that intentional, or am I just seeing things because I'm starving too much?

[Zerric]

I like your idea with the poem. It reads as a poem about love, and I enjoyed it, but I sensed some sexual undertones. Was that intentional, or am I just seeing things because I'm starving too much?

lol...its supposed to be sexual...there's always a double meaning

[lmh]

first paragraph is heavy on color, the next two focuses on physical imagery, which is interesting. also the last line of the first paragraph " I ride through the forest, while she waits for me," might be better(if you wanted) if it was "I ride through the forest, while she waits there for me". like princess in the tower kind of stuff.

[Zerric]

okay, lemme be explicit...this poem is sexual, and i tried to disguise it...but imagine a...lets say 'natural'...girl lying on a bed. The poem is not about her waiting in a forest for me...the poem is describing her body.

[billy]

the sex is evident

it all alludes to having sex. lots of the phrasing is common, watch out for repetition (chains)
be subtle but make sure the subtlety is understood. the mountain peaks shudder isn't subtle. good sex poetry is extremely hard to do, so many have gone before. we can still create original and meaningful images though.
i stabbed her like a pin in pomegranate.
the use and many varied meanings of flower is abundant in sexual poetry. what are red satin chains, a period? virginity?
forest is another well used word as is throbbing, as soon as i see the word throbbing i think of hard penis or headache, or both.

[Zerric]

the sex is evident

it all alludes to having sex. lots of the phrasing is common, watch out for repetition (chains)
be subtle but make sure the subtlety is understood. the mountain peaks shudder isn't subtle. good sex poetry is extremely hard to do, so many have gone before. we can still create original and meaningful images though.
i stabbed her like a pin in pomegranate.
the use and many varied meanings of flower is abundant in sexual poetry. what are red satin chains, a period? virginity?
forest is another well used word as is throbbing, as soon as i see the word throbbing i think of hard penis or headache, or both.

Well i was actually going for her thong when i said red satin chains, but i like your image of virginity too and uh...u just read my other poem, the one about the guy who's being chased...i didn't use throbbing here mostly because I try not to link sexual imagery to the male reproductive parts...i mean...i don't mind seeing mine...but i don't like imagining em generally.

i actually thought people would understand this...but then i got the 'princess in a tower' response...i was like "wow...i've failed pretty badly"

I mite retry this poem tho...


and..
I stabbed her like a pin in pomegranate?
thats like a sperm and an egg cell...

[billy]

the idea of the forum is to use it as a workshop, the pin in the pom, was a metaphor for dunking dennis in the doughnut.

[Zerric]

So do you think its better to keep the subtlety? or should i try to be a little more explicit? I mean I want to write it as a subtle poem...but I want people to understand too. and I want to stay with the whole 'I'm on a quest' feel...

do you know any poetry about this stuff i could read? I wanna see how they bring forth sexual images...Imma go back and read Shakespeare's Venus and Adonis poem...but do you have any suggestions, before i google 'sex poetry'?

i'm just saying there's a HUGE size difference tho

[billy]

use both.

be subtly obvious. the main thing is to be original. using metaphor and simile will make it as subtle as you want it to be.
not exactly what you're trying to write but see how original it is. no mention of throbbing or flowers etc.
by charles bukowski

out of the arm of one love
and into the arms of another
I have been saved from dying on the cross
by a lady who smokes pot
writes songs and stories
and is much kinder than the last,
much much kinder,
and the sex is just as good or better.
it isn't pleasant to be put on the cross and left there,
it is much more pleasant to forget a love which didn't
work
as all love
finally
doesn't work ...
it is much more pleasant to make love
along the shore in Del Mar
in room 42, and afterwards
sitting up in bed
drinking good wine, talking and touching
smoking
listening to the waves ...

I have died too many times
believing and waiting, waiting
in a room
staring at a cracked ceiling
wating for the phone, a letter, a knock, a sound ...
going wild inside
while she danced with strangers in nightclubs ...
out of the arms of one love
and into the arms of another
it's not pleasant to die on the cross,
it is much more pleasant to hear your name whispered in
the dark.

---

walt seems to want to bang all women with this poem, see some of his sexual phrasing.
Written by: Walt Whitman: A Woman Waits for Me.

A WOMAN waits for me—she contains all, nothing is lacking,
Yet all were lacking, if sex were lacking, or if the moisture of the right man were
lacking.

Sex contains all,
Bodies, Souls, meanings, proofs, purities, delicacies, results, promulgations,
Songs, commands, health, pride, the maternal mystery, the seminal milk;
All hopes, benefactions, bestowals,
All the passions, loves, beauties, delights of the earth,
All the governments, judges, gods, follow’d persons of the earth,
These are contain’d in sex, as parts of itself, and justifications of itself.

Without shame the man I like knows and avows the deliciousness of his sex,
Without shame the woman I like knows and avows hers.

Now I will dismiss myself from impassive women,
I will go stay with her who waits for me, and with those women that are warm-blooded and
sufficient for me;
I see that they understand me, and do not deny me;
I see that they are worthy of me—I will be the robust husband of those women.

They are not one jot less than I am,
They are tann’d in the face by shining suns and blowing winds,
Their flesh has the old divine suppleness and strength,
They know how to swim, row, ride, wrestle, shoot, run, strike, retreat, advance, resist,
defend themselves,
They are ultimate in their own right—they are calm, clear, well-possess’d of
themselves.

I draw you close to me, you women!
I cannot let you go, I would do you good,
I am for you, and you are for me, not only for our own sake, but for others’ sakes;
Envelop’d in you sleep greater heroes and bards,
They refuse to awake at the touch of any man but me.

It is I, you women—I make my way,
I am stern, acrid, large, undissuadable—but I love you,
I do not hurt you any more than is necessary for you,
I pour the stuff to start sons and daughters fit for These States—I press with slow
rude muscle,
I brace myself effectually—I listen to no entreaties,
I dare not withdraw till I deposit what has so long accumulated within me.

Through you I drain the pent-up rivers of myself,
In you I wrap a thousand onward years,
On you I graft the grafts of the best-beloved of me and America,
The drops I distil upon you shall grow fierce and athletic girls, new artists, musicians,
and singers,
The babes I beget upon you are to beget babes in their turn,
I shall demand perfect men and women out of my love-spendings,
I shall expect them to interpenetrate with others, as I and you interpenetrate now,
I shall count on the fruits of the gushing showers of them, as I count on the fruits of
the gushing showers I give now,
I shall look for loving crops from the birth, life, death, immortality, I plant so
lovingly now.

[billy]

With a little bit more work this can easily be a sonnet

this is not feedback. do more. /mod