"Little too Late"

[KICKBACK]

"Little too Late"

The day has come and I saw you again.
My current life left me and went off to pretend.
My eyes dragged me through memories
Memories I just couldn't let go.
I had the day and the years
The dates and some beers
The movie ticket and the drive home.
I remembered it all as I blinked back to existing.
The memories kept digging, insisting.
Persistent in teaching and showing me a lesson.
I tried to turn away but my eyes weren't working.
I had all these thoughts on how I wouldn't give up
I asked you and I chased you
You just wouldn't give up.
It became too much for the both of us
As neither of us would let each other have our own way
We split our own way and for a couple of years,
We had nothing to say to each other, we had no ears.
Our pride's pushed us apart and we never saw each other again.
Until that day came around and an ear I did lend.
I listened to you and what you said.
It wasn't much, just some important words.
It was just enough to finish this verse.
So the day has come and during the time spent
I thought of a million different things to say to you
And on this day I'm trying to forget
The nine hundred ninety-nine thousand,
Nine hundred and ninety-nine things I never meant.
And as this moment keeps on going
I look into your eyes just knowing
You're feeling sorry and you shouldn't be.
We both chose that like it was meant to be.
And so on this day and in this year
There will be no dates and there will be no beer
There will be no movie tickets and on my drive home,
I'll think about seeing you again
But I know that I won't.

[Leanne]

Hi Kickback, what a shame this got buried so quickly -- there are some really good elements to this. You have a good ear for rhythm and so for the most part your rhymes work as they're where they should be for sound. With a little more practise and grounding in meter, this will become even more natural for you. I like your little internal rhymes as well.

You do need to beware of superfluous words/phrases. In a poem, every word should add something as there's not a lot of room to get a message across. Also, in rhyme one of the great crimes is to invert syntax (Yoda-speak) -- it makes it obvious that you've mangled things just to get a rhyme in (e.g. "an ear I did lend"). This stands out especially in poems that are otherwise quite conversational, contemporary language.

Great job bookending the poem with movie tickets and beer. This sort of detail makes the poem unique, and it really was enjoyable to read.

[KICKBACK]

With a little more practise and grounding in meter,

You do need to beware of superfluous words/phrases.

There is a start for me then. I don't know anything about meter or even "rules" to writing. So finding this forum is great for me, because I saw there is a practice forum and definitions to what meter is. I looked at it before, but I wouldn't know where to begin.

An old writer friend of mine told me once that writing less is actually more. Always try to write less. Find another way to say it.

lol the yoda speak is exactly what i did. i couldn't find a rhyme there so i forced it.

Glad you liked it. I would say alot of my writings are in this kind of format. Especially now-a-days.

[dusboss]

We had nothing to say to each other, we had no ears.
Our pride's pushed us apart and we never saw each other again.
Until that day came around and an ear I did lend.
I listened to you and what you said.
It wasn't much, just some important words.

I like this part, it seems to me that you got some advice from someone that you should really listen not just to pretend and then you heard something you didn't before. I am not an expert but this is my humble opinion.