Peace of my mind

[dusboss]

Crawling at the bottom of a pit, long forgotten,
Body's crying for mercy
Solitude is eating soul from the inside
Heart is colder than ever before
It's craving for a flame
The vision is blurred and can't see nor feel it
To cry is to know that you are alive
Now it seems like all the weeping is gone
Or have we become deaf and unable to hear it
Helpless soul is slowly dying
The world has become a very quiet place

[KICKBACK]

Crawling at the bottom of a pit, long forgotten
Body's crying for mercy
Solitude is eating soul from the inside
Heart is colder than ever before
It's craving for a flame
The vision is blurred and can't see nor feel it
To cry is to know that you are alive
It seems like all the weepings are gone
Or have we become deaf and unable to hear cries
Helpless soul is slowly dying
The world has become a very quit place

I'm having trouble distinguishing Lines 1 & 2. Is the pit long forgotten, or are the body's crying for mercy long forgotten?

I'm not like that only one heart is being talked about on Line 4-5. To me, it sounds better saying, "Hearts are colder than ever before/ They are craving for their flame"

But now I read Line 6 and you wrote "it." Now I am guessing that you meant "heart." Can't see nor feel [the heart], which is what you were talking about in Line 4-5.

Maybe say something like, "Hearts are colder than ever before/ They are craving for their flame/ The vision is blurred and can't see nor feel/ But crying still, to know that you are alive"

The poem does make me think of Hell. Lost and forgotten souls trapped in a cold dark pit. They are forever in anguish as long as they are alive. So to finally stop crying means you've expired. And a whole lot of souls have quit in this pit. Pretty sickening.

All in all, nice work. The typos do not help, so proofread. In this case I was almost derailed from the poem and all you were missing were 2 letters. Maybe we can get you to touch up the poem a little bit, too.

Keep writing.

[dusboss]

About first lines, the pit is long forgotten.
Line 4-5 I mean one heart and the same heart can't see the flame.
English is not my mother tongue and I didn't do almost any editing on the original so it's raw, also I wrote it in 20 minutes or so and it could be better, I agree. I was feeling like I'm in hell at that moment and I'm glad you noticed it, that was my goal in a way. Thank you for comment and thank you for advice.

[Brownlie]

Crawling at the bottom of a pit, long forgotten,
Body's crying for mercy
Solitude is eating soul from the inside
Heart is colder than ever before
It's craving for a flame
The vision is blurred and can't see nor feel it
To cry is to know that you are alive
Now it seems like all the weeping is gone
Or have we become deaf and unable to hear it
Helpless soul is slowly dying
The world has become a very quiet place

You seem to have some anguish you wish expressing. This poem could use more concrete imagery. Grammar should also be considered, a teacher told me poetry is like prose with line breaks. I don't know if everyone agrees with that but the lady had a P.H.D.
Good Luck