06-29-2012, 06:47 AM
Hi Jacko, thanks for posting.
There is clearly a "battle" going on here but it's weakened by many cliches and overused phrases (ice kisses, urban warriors, Houston..., flames ignite)
Some of your grammar is difficult to decipher, for example "in competent every other step" -- do you mean "incompetent" or "in competence", or something else entirely? The overuse of the word "step" is distracting, as is "chemical" -- try synonyms or more concrete images.
I know many people believe that poems should be entirely personal, but when they're posted for an audience it's best to give the audience something to latch onto instead of a bunch of generalisations.
"Chaos seen only in bird's eye" is a good line, I'd like to see this idea expanded with more than just a passing reference to an eagle.
I'm sorry I can't be more positive, this poem could use a lot of work.
There is clearly a "battle" going on here but it's weakened by many cliches and overused phrases (ice kisses, urban warriors, Houston..., flames ignite)
Some of your grammar is difficult to decipher, for example "in competent every other step" -- do you mean "incompetent" or "in competence", or something else entirely? The overuse of the word "step" is distracting, as is "chemical" -- try synonyms or more concrete images.
I know many people believe that poems should be entirely personal, but when they're posted for an audience it's best to give the audience something to latch onto instead of a bunch of generalisations.
"Chaos seen only in bird's eye" is a good line, I'd like to see this idea expanded with more than just a passing reference to an eagle.
I'm sorry I can't be more positive, this poem could use a lot of work.
It could be worse