05-09-2012, 05:21 PM
Have to agree with billy with this one, I'm afraid. 
Right now it's just going through the motions and comes off as a little bit cliche, especially the Catholic schoolgirls schtick. It's not that you can't go for that, but if you're working with a trope you have to give us something more. What else are you trying to say, to portray? (Could you perhaps parallel this with themes of femininity/ paganism as alluded to in your final stanza? Something like that, just throwing ideas around.)
I think it also got too involved in the details of the act, and in effect it became too much like narrative prose. You're not really trying to write a porn scene here... (in fact this is probably pretty tame stuff). So in this case less is more; just focus on a few of the best snatches of the action (choose the most striking ones), and that will ratchet up the illicitness of the scene better.
Thanks for the read
Right now it's just going through the motions and comes off as a little bit cliche, especially the Catholic schoolgirls schtick. It's not that you can't go for that, but if you're working with a trope you have to give us something more. What else are you trying to say, to portray? (Could you perhaps parallel this with themes of femininity/ paganism as alluded to in your final stanza? Something like that, just throwing ideas around.)I think it also got too involved in the details of the act, and in effect it became too much like narrative prose. You're not really trying to write a porn scene here... (in fact this is probably pretty tame stuff). So in this case less is more; just focus on a few of the best snatches of the action (choose the most striking ones), and that will ratchet up the illicitness of the scene better.
Thanks for the read
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?